Changeling part 3
Added 2023-05-13 19:23:21 +0000 UTCAN: This is the last part of Changeling
Comments
Nestra too could have forgot the difference. After living your whole life as an human it is hard to interiorize that you aren't exactly human.
Diego Rossi
2023-07-30 17:40:58 +0000 UTCOk that's actually really good to know I completely forgot about that word.
Mecanimus
2023-07-30 14:42:08 +0000 UTCPlease don’t let it be cannibalism. - maybe it should be "Please don’t let it be anthropophagy." Apparently she isn't human, and cannibalism is eating a member of your specie. Anthropophagy is eating humans.
Diego Rossi
2023-07-30 13:04:00 +0000 UTCIt just occurred to me that at some point when her true self is advanced enough her mask will undoubtedly show her as a low grade gleam. She can already use mana with it on, and I'm not even sure she is D grade.
kyle
2023-07-20 07:40:32 +0000 UTCCould Shinran be her secret backer??? Hmmmm
RonGAR
2023-06-08 04:56:10 +0000 UTCgood chappie
Isley
2023-06-04 00:20:14 +0000 UTC+1 for this. I read the first two chapters and loved them. They were also significant time investments, so reading ch.3 only to go back to review substantial revisions is daunting.
Anton Shomshor
2023-05-26 10:20:21 +0000 UTCI like the story... I usually reread the previous chapter before reading the new one. This one was 'MEATY' lolol so it was a lot of reading. Loved it. But I get nervous when I see that you mention plans to change and rewrite most of it if not all of it. Don't want to get attached to something that may not ever be finished or be so changed, that it might as well be a different story. How much change are we talking about?
RonGAR
2023-05-24 22:06:42 +0000 UTCThis is dark lol
Mecanimus
2023-05-24 09:23:54 +0000 UTCIt would be quite funny if Nestra worried about what her family would think of her new form, only for them to be like "Oh we've always known, we were wondering when the changes would manifest". Maybe there was a human Nestra at one stage but she died shortly after birth - which absolutely does not happen to gleam families. So to save face, her parents made a deal with some entity from a portal for a "replacement" daughter.
Cormac
2023-05-17 15:11:44 +0000 UTCYaaaaasss... Gib moar!!!!! Really liking this one lol
Knight Axel
2023-05-15 18:28:26 +0000 UTCWill it take the place of journeys tier? Or will it take its place on the give me both tier?
TheBotler
2023-05-15 03:07:29 +0000 UTCThank you for the chapter! I know your still working on the voice bit but as someone who has read your stuff for a couple years the only criticism I have is your dialogue seems sometimes forced or inconsistent… I loved the first George and Nestra one, but the second had multiple super short sentences that to the reader felt more bullet point like and I don’t think that’s what you were going for… I would say incorporate more of your characters thoughts between dialogue when it is applicable. That really helps the reader keep up and feel the character
Morrison
2023-05-14 07:03:44 +0000 UTCI love this, great work!
Yshua
2023-05-14 04:43:32 +0000 UTC"The gun buckled in her hands," => 'bucked' (jumped violently). "Buckled" (distorted under pressure) means the gun has become damaged and bent "Nestra slammed the book close." => 'closed' "Golems strung in wide, powerful swings that raiders could not easily block" => 'swung'? 'struck'? But not 'strung'. "a data chit she slotted in her visor with some apprehension. Slotting data sheets" => sheet should be chit.
Nicholas Grey
2023-05-13 23:02:38 +0000 UTCThanks for the chapter! I like the family angle, that was only a minor part for Bob and Journey. Nestra does seem a blend of Ari and Viv. Giving her hobbies/qwerks that neither have helped to differentiate her. I see Bob's mouth with Ari's code, leaning into the bordello phase. I think neither have really done extended spy thriller plot points, especially while still so weak and vulnerable. Could up the strange playfulness of her fey nature more or add in strange obsessions. I think both had helpful trustworthy mentors near the start so could make her helper like the notorious alien fey elders, kinda well meaning but fickle and not really trustworthy?
Jonathan
2023-05-13 22:25:02 +0000 UTC
