Controversial Script?

I know there are both progressives and conservatives who follow me, and I’d like to keep it that way even though I lean more toward the progressive end of the spectrum. I like reaching people who disagree, because that will help bring about change. While my personal life might look more traditionally conservative, I’m far more inclined to promote progressive values, because progressivism accepts both traditional and unconventional lifestyles, whereas conservatism tends to shun other lifestyles that don’t conform (and demonize them as “degeneracy”). I don’t want people to be pressured to be like me. I don’t need my world to be demographically homogeneous. I want people to live how they see fit, no matter how weird (or old fashioned) others think it is, as long as they’re not hurting anybody. That’s actual freedom.

That’s what this script is about. It’s a very fast paced scathing satire about people making an agenda to deal with all the agendas they see everywhere, so I hope it’s abundantly clear that in no way do I agree with anything these characters say except for the monologue at the end. It still deals with religion, but it also delves into how the religious mindset affects sociopolitical issues beyond the God debate. Note that I don’t think these characters represent ALL conservatives, so the word “conservative” isn’t even in the script. Thus if you can’t relate to it, then it’s probably not about you. I’m making this script public for several reasons:

1. I’d like to know if these issues are even on your radar, if you have any idea what this is all about, or if I’m communicating effectively and you think it is relevant.

2. If you have good arguments against it, I’d like to hear them so that I can either correct it or decide not to do it.

3. If I decide to do it, and you don’t like it, I want to give you time to pull your support if you want.

4. If you’d still like to support me anyway, but just not be attached to this particular video, then I want you to have the chance to tell me to exclude you from the credits.

Thanks for your understanding, and please let me know what you think.

Tentative title: “The Agenda”

*setting: board room*

Presenter - So there’s several agendas we need to address: The LGBT Agenda, The Atheist Agenda, The Feminist Agenda, Letist, Liberal, Globalist, Marxist, Progressive, etc.

Boss - Okay, let’s get through this quickly. What are the gays up to now?

Presenter - They’re kissing. They’re holding hands. They’re doing...stuff. And they want to put it in films, television, and video games and whatnot.

Boss - Oh well that’s definitely pushing an agenda. We need to do something about this. If movies and video games can get you to kill people, then they can definitely turn you gay.

Board Member - Already on it, boss. We’re calling it “political”.

Boss - Calling what “political”?

Board Member - Gay people. Also too many black people, too many female leads, religious minorities, etc...if they exist in a movie or game or whatever, it’s called “politics”.

Boss - But don’t those people exist in real life?

Presenter - If they’re in real life it’s not politics, but if they’re in media it is politics.

Boss - Okay, but what if said media really is about politics?

Board Member - Like what?

Boss - War?

Board Member - That’s not political.

Boss - Economics?

Presenter - That’s not political.

Boss - Actual political policy?

Both - Not political.

Boss - Two black lesbians kissing?

Both - Ooooooh woooooow

Presenter - That’s political as shit, boss.

Boss - I see. And being political is...bad?

Board Member - Absolutely. It’s impolite to discuss politics. Also, we’re calling stuff like that “getting woke”.

Boss - Woke? Isn’t that like taking the red pill?

Both - No no no no no no no 

Boss - But doesn’t the red pill wake you up?

Board Member - Yes yes but it’s good awake verses bad awake...I think...something like that.

Presenter - You have to be the right kind of conscious, sir.

Board Member - Right, boss. It’s all about being a nonconformist. So, as long as you conform to the kinds of opinions we like, then you’re the right kind of nonconformist.

Boss - I see. But, couldn’t we fight back by just putting a bunch of straights in movies and video games and whatnot?

Board Member - That’s already the case.

Boss - Really? For how many of them?

Board Member - Um...all of them.

Boss - Oh wow! Who okayed that agenda?

Board Member - Um...nobody. We just never called it an agenda.

Boss - Excellent. And that’s not political?

Both - Nope.

Boss - Good. What’s next?

Presenter - The Atheist Agenda.

Boss - Okay! What are those godless heathens up to now?

Board Member - They disagree with religious people.

Boss - Outrageous!

Board Member - Right. They want to push their arguments and ideas about how our religion is incorrect, and they want to do things like not be fired for disbelieving in God or run for public office without having to pretend to be Christian or pander to us. They also don’t trust appealing to an unseen authority figure and want us to actually substantiate our claims and arguments. 

Boss - But they still believe in freedom of religion correct?

Presenter - Yes, most of them do.

Boss - Excellent, so let’s just say that discriminating against them is necessary to exercise our religious liberty; include anyone else we happen to disagree with too. If they disagree with us, we’ll say “Ah ha! Now look at who’s intolerant!” or something like that. We naturally have the right to say whatever we want, so if they criticize us, we’ll just accuse them of trying to shut down our freedom of speech. Since their speech would violate our speech, they shouldn’t be allowed to have their speech anymore, so by censoring them, we’d be protecting speech. Simple.

Presenter - If we’re not allowed to discriminate, then we’re being persecuted?

Boss - Exactly.

Board Member - Also, anytime we don’t like something, we label it a religion, even if it has nothing to do with religion, which takes the pressure off our religion.

Boss - But I thought we like religion.

Presenter - Religion is bad unless it’s our religion, which we’re currently saying isn’t actually a religion.

Boss - What about when we want to claim religious rights from the government?

Board Member - Then it definitely is a religion.

Boss - I see. Are the heathens doing anything in popular media too, like the gays?

Presenter - Sometimes, but we got that covered. Whenever they do, it sparks a national outrage and we call it “communist propaganda”.

Boss - People still fall for that?

Board Member - Yep.

Boss - Even though it’s not the 1950s anymore?

Presenter - Oh they want it to be.

Boss - Excellent. But wait a minute. Don’t we promote religious ideas in movies and literature and whatnot?

Board Member - Oh yeah. All the time. We got our own sections in the bookstores.

Presenter - Walmart...

Board Member - Target...

Presenter - We’ve got tons of movies, from the likes of such iconic and renowned celebrities as…

Board Member - Kevin Sorbo…

Presenter - Kirk Cameron…

Board Member - Dinish Dsouza, etc, all dedicated to smearing atheists as scared, angry dumb dumbs who really do believe in God.

Boss - But don’t people see that as propaganda?

Presenter - Oh not at all. That’s just normal. Hell, we even sell baby bibles at all the major retailers.

Boss - The atheists aren’t doing anything like that are they?

Board Member - Oh of course not! We would never tolerate that.

Presenter - Nope. That would be boycott city.

Boss - Anything else?

Presenter - We’re also working on using the state to indoctrinate children.

Boss - Any push-back?

Board Member - Some, yes.

Boss - Welp. More freedom of religion violations. Obviously we can’t properly practice our religion without an enormous state apparatus to enforce and impose it upon the children of people who don’t believe in our religion...just like that one guy said…*snaps fingers* What was his name again?

Presenter - Jesus?

Boss - Yeah. That guy.

Board Member - I don’t think he said that, sir.

Presenter - But, sir, don't we believe the government is incompetent, corrupt, and way too large?

Boss - Of course.

Presenter - Then why would we want them involved with our religion?

Boss - A tyrannical government is fine as long as it's tyrannical in our favor. Got it?

Presenter - Got it.

Board Member - Could that ever backfire?

Boss - Nope. Never. By the way, do the atheists still have all those thousands of large meeting halls in every neighborhood, which they use to spread their beliefs and even endorse political candidates in direct violation of their tax exempt 501(3)(c) status?

Presenter - Um...no, boss. That’s us. Those are churches.

Boss - Oh right. What’s next?

Presenter - The feminine agenda.

Boss - Great. What are the broads up to now?

Board Member - It’s a war on men. Soy, estrogen, transgenderism, women in the workplace. They’re trying to make women more like men and men more like women in order to domesticate us. They’re making more movies and games with women who act like men, you know, badasses and whatnot.

Boss - Okay we need to step up our tradwife campaign. Make sure to let everyone know how happy women are when they’re doing dishes, laundry, and changing diapers. Put pictures of pretty women next to pictures of ugly women and claim that the pretty women are on our side and the ugly women are on their side.

Presenter - Wait. People are dumb enough to fall for that?

Boss - *laughs* Oh yeah. And then there’s the egg factor.

Board Member - Eggs?

Boss - Yes. Women have a limited number of eggs and if they don’t use them they lose them. They need to be shamed for not pushing out children, as is their god-given purpose in life.

Presenter - Got it.

Boss - Slut shaming. More slut shaming.

Board Member - So if women show too much skin…

Boss - Slut shame the shit out of them.

Presenter - I’m a little worried about going too strong on this route, boss.

Boss - Really? Why?

Presenter - Well if we constantly encourage women to cover up, stay home, and push out babies, people might start to mistake us for the Islamists.

Boss - No, that’s just for brown people.

Board Member - Wait, but I thought Islam isn’t a race.

Boss - It isn’t when we criticize it, but when we draft policies against it, it totally is…*whispers* you just don’t say that part out loud, got it?

Board Member - Got it.

Boss - Next?

Presenter - This is a big one, boss, and I’m not really sure what to call it: “The Liberal Agenda, The Progressive Agenda, The Leftist Agenda”, stuff like that.

Boss - Goddamn Communists!

Board Member - Exactly, boss. We think they’re behind a lot of the other agendas. They’re trying to push minorities into political positions in order to cause change that will directly affect their lives in a positive way.

Boss - Absurd! Don’t they know what politics is for?! If their lives are improved, then that means our lives will get worse.

Presenter - Exactly. And they’ll oppress us as revenge for oppressing them.

Boss - The only way to stop that is to keep oppressing them.

Board Member - Maybe we should debate them?

Boss - Depends. Do they want to debate?

Presenter - Some of them don’t.

Boss - Then we should try to debate them. When they refuse, accuse them of being scared.

Board Member - But some of them do want to debate.

Boss - Then we should not try to debate them. Accuse them of trying to profit.

Presenter - But aren’t we capitalists? Don’t we support the profit motive?

Boss - It’s only capitalism if we profit.

Board Member - Speaking of profit, it’s usually pretty profitable if our people claim to walk away from the other side, even if they were never much of a part of it to begin with.

Boss - And then we “welcome” them with open arms which is excellent optics while the other side is so mean to them.

Presenter - So should we be nice to those who leave our side, you know, just to be consistent?

Boss - Oh hell no! Those are traitors. You smoking crack or something?

Presenter - Ha ha, yeah, just kidding, just kidding. 

Board Member - They also seem to be very concerned with things like race and gender.

Boss - Aha! So they’re bigots. Why do they care so much huh?

Presenter - So should we say we like diversity?

Boss - Heavens no! Oh I got it! Let’s just say we don’t care about such demographics. Content of character rather than color of skin, just like MLK said, and they can’t argue back because MLK said it.

Board Member - But...um...sir….99% of the politicians on our side are straight white males.

Boss - So what! What’s wrong with being a straight white male, huh?

Board Member - Nothing. But if they’re mostly straight white males, it...it… might look like, you know, we really do care about race and gender...because...you see... we constantly pick people of the same race and gender. So, our words wouldn’t really match up with our actions, you know?

Boss - I see...I see… Maybe, maybe we could appeal to genetics. You know, say straight white males are genetically…

Both - NO!

Board Member - They’re onto that.

Boss - Who is onto that?

Board Member - The one group that’s behind all the other agendas.

Boss - The group?

Presenter - Yes, boss. The…

Boss - Don’t say it out loud! They could be spying.

Presenter - Okay boss. Yes, it’s...the juice. *slams a glass of apple juice on the table with a three parentheses label*

Boss - Apple juice, right? The kind you drink and not the kind you put in an oven or gas chamber?

Board Member - Yes, boss. The juice are...is...behind all the agendas.

Boss - No...no...we can’t say that publicly. It’s not approved yet by the higher-ups. Even Trump has family and friends who belong to...the juice.

Presenter - Oh you mean...the orange juice *slams glass of orange juice on the table*

*deep music, long pause*

Boss - You ever stop and think for a moment that we might be doing more than a little projecting here? I mean, maybe we see agendas everywhere because we’re constantly actively trying to push an agenda. Maybe for others it’s not so much an agenda as people just trying to live their lives, and maybe not everyone is like us, and not everyone likes the same things we do, or believes the same things we do, so they naturally promote and consume things which we can’t relate to, and maybe that has nothing to do with trying to dominate us, or replace us, or take away the things we like and want, but maybe it’s just them trying to be a part of the world and live their lives, and relate, and connect. Maybe a publicly gay couple isn’t an attack on the straights, and maybe an effeminate man isn’t an attack on masculinity, and maybe an atheist expressing their opinions isn’t an attack on religious freedom. Maybe if they live the way they want, it doesn’t necessarily stop us from living the way we want. Maybe there’s room for all of us: traditional and progressive, as long as it’s what we want to do and we’re not trying to force others to do it too. Maybe, just maybe, if we really were so tough, rugged, thick-skinned, and as difficult to offend as we want to come off, then maybe we shouldn’t care so much about their preferences. Maybe we’re now the babies. Maybe we’re now the triggered ones. Maybe we’re the hyper-offended about everything, and we see everything as an attack against us, when really not everything needs to be about us, and maybe we can just enjoy it anyway even if it isn’t about us. And maybe, just maybe, deep down, it really is about us, because in the end we’re all human beings, so we should all be able to relate to one another after all. Right?

*long pause*

Presenter - Um...Boss? Are you ok?

Boss - Depends. Do you agree with anything I just said?

Presenter - Um...I guess.

Boss - What about you?

Board Member - No, I don’t agree. And that answer may or may not be true, but even if it weren’t true, I’d still say I don’t agree, because the ultimate objective here is not truth, but winning and gaining control at all costs.

Boss - Correct, you passed the test...

*Both Boss and Board Member walk up to Presenter and stare at him for a while*

Boss - ....But it looks like there’s a sheeple in our midst.

Board Member - Certainly doesn’t look like a nonconformist like the rest of us.

Presenter - No! No I am a nonconformist. Um...um...go MAGA and KAG and to hell with...um...cuck simp SJWs, AOC, and NPCs with TDS.

*long pause as the others just stare at him*

*Presenter commits seppuku*

(I've updated this script as of May 28, 2020, taking some suggestions into consideration, especially with concern to the end)