Murder in the House of Mystery - Episode 01

It begins...

Guest Starring Lucia Lobosvilla as Selena Kyle

EPISODE ONE: FIRST CIRCLE (LIMBO)

EDWARD: Alright everyone - we’re leaving in five minutes, so be ready or be left behind.

JERVIS: How long?

EDWARD: Ten minutes.

JERVIS: But you said five minutes.

EDWARD: Then why did you ask?

INTERVIEW

EDWARD: Hallowe’ens in Gotham City are usually... fairly boring, [sounds of past events] so when you get an invitation to an ACTUAL party, you can’t just say no.

INTRODUCTION MUSIC

EDWARD: Jon. Green tie or purple tie?

JON: Huh?

EDWARD: Green tie or purple tie?

JON: Does it matter?

EDWARD: Not to someone whose fashion peaked at the 1974 Men’s Fashion Sears catalogue, but for the rest of us, yes.

JON: Fine, green.

EDWARD: Purple it is.

JON: Dickhead.

INTERVIEW

EDWARD: I’ve been Riddling now for... oh goodness, long enough to know better, amirite?

JON: What does that even mean?

EDWARD: I don’t know, it sounded better in my head.

CAM FOLLOW

EDWARD: This is the Inner Sanctum. Where I keep my more prized possessions. This was my first Riddler uniform... oh spandex... What was I thinking? Classic bowler, three-piece, and the one that Batman Forever CLEARLY ripped off - though I will admit, I did feel safer jogging at night.

INTERVIEW

EDWARD: People tend to think that supervillains are just always on the clock. Evil evil evil, but we need to relax sometimes too. Lay back, put our feet up.

SELENA: Sometimes behind your head.

EDWARD: Augh. Thank you, Selena.

SELENA: I was talking about Yoga, but sure - banging too.

EDWARD: Good lord. Banging?

SELENA: Yeah, sex.

EDWARD: I know what banging means.

SELENA: And I know what Kuntao means, but it doesn’t mean other people let me do it to them.

JON: Boom.

EDWARD: You don’t even know what Kuntao is.

JON: Nope. I was too busy bangin’ to look it up.

SELENA: Boom.

EDWARD: AUGH. You’re both insufferable.

EDWARD leaves.

JON: So what is Kuntao? Is that like a chicken thing?

SELENA: Idiota.

CAM FOLLOW.

EDWARD: Oh, I love this. This is my award for “most people held hostage at once”. Seventy-three, baby. All me... and Query... and Echo, but STILL - seventy-three! Of course, next year Joker won when he held all of Gotham hostage on Christmas, which I thought was a bit unfair, because I was IN THERE, holding the gun, you know - keep your heads down and your hands up. You - dance around a little, but a whole city? How do you even do that? And on Christmas too, as if things don’t suck enough on Christmas, you know?

CAM FOLLOW

EDWARD: Alright, it’s time to go. Selena, Jon, and Jervis, you’re with me. Harvey and Oswald said they were taking the Bentley, and Joker and Harley will meet us there.

JERVIS: What about Waylon?

EDWARD: He said he was going to climb up the toilet pipe and bite you on the ass when we got there.

JERVIS: He didn’t... did he?

JON: Jesus Christ...

EDWARD: Thicker than Jason Todd’s helmet. Let’s go, before you hurt yourself.

SELENA slaps JERVIS in the back of the head.

JERVIS: Ooh!

SELENA: Too late. Vamos a la fiesta, cabrón.

INTERVIEW

SELENA: Do I normally hang out with these people? No. Do I enjoy it every once in a while? No. But free food is free food, so if I have to suffer with lunatics for a night, it’s a small price to pay. No offence.

JON: No, I get it.

EXT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY

EDWARD: Alright, so here we are. Looks like no one else is here... or the house. Jervis, did you read the invitation properly?

JERVIS: I did! 2721 Barada Lane.

EDWARD: It stops at 2719. It has to be a misprint.

SELENA: Maybe the house hasn’t arrived yet either.

EDWARD: Really?

A portal opens and a house appears.

SELENA: Told you.

EDWARD: There is no way you could have known that.

SELENA: Yet here we are.

EDWARD: Things don’t just... appear like that.

A portal opens up and a man crashes to earth.

JON: Or people, right?

EDWARD: I’m just not going to talk anymore.

JERVIS: If only that were true.

EDWARD: What?

JERVIS: Nothing!

The man grunts and rises to his feet.

MAN: Where am I?

EDWARD: How specific do you want me to be?

MAN: Eh?

EDWARD: Barada Lane. Gotham City. America. Earth. Andromeda Galaxy.

MAN: Alright. Alright. Thank you.

EDWARD: Anything else? Perhaps a parachute for next time?

The MAN grunts.

EDWARD: Okay then, party time.

MAN: You’re not goin’ in there, are you?

EDWARD: What gave it away?

MAN: That’s the House of Mystery.

EDWARD: Is it? I thought the invitation was lying.

MAN: Don’t go in there, Edward Nygma. It is an evil place, ill winds blow on anyone who dares set foot within.

JON: Is that John Constantine?

JERVIS: Who?

JON: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

JOHN: This is my last warning - you will find only death within.

EDWARD: Well, if it’s a choice between death and this thrilling conversation, I’ll take the less painful option.

JOHN: You’re a fool! You’ve doomed yourself and all who know you.

EDWARD: I’m sorry, I don’t have any change!

JON: Was that John Constantine?

EDWARD: Shush, if we don’t keep walking, he’ll never shut up.

JOHN: Oh, that’s fine! Don’t listen to fair warning, arsehole! I hope yer next shite is a hedgehog! I hope yeh get kissed by a bus!

A car pulls up with much squealing of brakes.

JOKER: It’s okay, party people! The fun’s arrived!

HARLEY: Hi everyone!

Another car pulls up.

OSWALD: Well you’d better pray there’s overnight parking, because I’m not going to pay for the bloody ticket.

HARVEY: Just contest the ticket. Nine out of ten times, the officer never shows anyway.

OSWALD grunts.

EDWARD: Well, that’s almost all of us.

DIGGER: Wow! Looks like this is going to be quite the party!

EDWARD: Oh god... YOU got an invite?

DIGGER: Sure did! Looks like George is moving up in the world!

INTERVIEW

DIGGER: It’s true, I’ve never been invited to a party like this before... or... you know, any actual party, but hey - it sounded like fun on the invite, and it’s not like they’d bring me along just to murder me or something, right? [laughs, stops] ...Right?

BACK TO GROUP.

EDWARD: Okay, well, whatever. Now we just need Waylon and we’re all set.

WAYLON: Did someone say KING SEXY?

Crowd cheers.

WAYLON: Was that Constantine I heard cussin’ you out?

EDWARD: Oh god, you too? Let’s just ring the bell and get inside.

JON: Here we go.

Doorbell is pressed, sparks: nothing happens.

EDWARD: Good start. Try again.

Nothing happens.

JOKER: Maybe the battery’s dead. I’ve got a joy buzzer that could add a little bounce to its bungie.

WAYLON: Nah, it’s wired, but it looks like it’s been chewed through up by the eavestrough. Reckon if I had a ladder, I could get up there.

JOKER: I’ll race you to it, Waylon old boy! Let’s MOVE THAT BUS!

HARLEY: He got addicted to home renovation shows when he was in hospital.

EDWARD: Better than crack I guess.

JON: Debatable.

JOKER: Last one there’s a rotten corpse!