Murder in the House of Mystery - Episode 04

EPISODE FOUR: FOURTH CIRCLE (GREED)

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT

EDWARD: Well... tonight is shaping up to be, a bit of a downer. We’ve lost Joker to his own bombs, Digger to internal combustion, and Selena to a porterhouse steak. Four dead already…

HARLEY: That’s only three, Eddie.

EDWARD: I always add Jon to the total. He’s dead inside, so it checks out.

JON: He ain’t wrong.

INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY - NIGHT

The rogues are set up in the sitting room for Digestifs.

EDWARD: Voilà! Les digestifs sont préparés! A crème de cassis for Oswald.

OSWALD: Merci bien.

EDWARD: A Singapore Sling for Harley.

HARLEY squeals.

HARLEY: Oooh, merci Mr. Fancypants.

EDWARD: Straight rum for Waylon.

WAYLON: Much obliged.

EDWARD: A gin martini, hold the vermouth for Harvey.

HARVEY: Ohhh, this is gonna burn.

EDWARD: Jon’s getting a visit from his Aunt Roberta.

JON: She’s always welcome.

EDWARD: Fuller’s Vintage for Jervis.

JERVIS: Cheers to that.

EDWARD: And a Death in the Afternoon for the man in the green suit. (cheers) To the remaining.

OSWALD: Jonathan Crane, what are you doing?

JON: I’m sittin’ down - is that illegal?

OSWALD: Well, I don’t know what backwater whorehouse you learned etiquette from, but a gentleman does not sit until the lady has.

WAYLON: I knew that one! Where’s your southern charm, Jon Boy?

JON: Are you kiddin’ me?

EDWARD: It’s a matter of courtesy.

HARLEY: Yeah, Johnny! Be courteous, and you might get a spanking.

EDWARD: And?

HARLEY: Or! What did I say?

JON: Alright, at the risk of offending the masses.

JON stands up. A massive suit of armour crashed down on the chair, piercing the spot where JON’S chest would’ve been. GROUP shock.

OSWALD: A death averted. A man saved by my exceedingly impeccable pedigree.

JON: Well, that’d been me fucked.

CAIN and ABEL arrive in a whoosh of fire.

CAIN: Well! I trust the evening is going smoothly.

JERVIS: Smoothly? You call poison and near decapitation “smoothly”?

CAIN: No, I call it tremendous fun! And now with only six of you remaining, I wonder...

ABEL: There’s still seven of them. The armour didn’t work.

CAIN: Hmm, I seem to remember you calling that a ‘sure thing’, Abby.

ABEL: I was certain it was.

CAIN: We’ll discuss this later.

EDWARD: I don’t suppose you’d like to fill us in on any other possible impending pitfalls to our mortality?

CAIN: All in good time, my dear Mr. Nygma. Unless humans are allergic to strychnine, in which case - don’t drink the rum.

WAYLON spits his drink out.

CAIN: Haha! Only joking. Only joking...

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT

WAYLON: Only joking. Only joking. Ye hear me fuckin’ laughin’?

INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY - NIGHT

FIRE EXIT.

HARVEY: We have to admit, we’re surprised that, given who we are, no one’s tried to shoot those two.

JERVIS: Considering they come and go in a whoosh of flame, I think we’d need one hell of a gun.

JON: Maybe like one of them.

WAYLON: God damn - now that’s a set of guns.

HARVEY: You’re tellin’ us. Look at those. There’s gotta be a million dollars on this wall alone.

WAYLON: Colt Patterson, Colt Walker...

HARVEY: Those are George Washington’s saddle pistols!

JON: There’s the golden Colt... and... what the hell’s this one? AH?

HARVEY: Move - let us see. Jesus Christ... that’s HITLER’S Walther PP!

WAYLON: HITLER’s Walther PP! Ho-lee shit! They can’t be the real deal. They gotta be replicas. Let’s see... okay, if this is Roosevelt’s Double Barrel shotgun, then there should be some writin’ on it. It should say Made Expressly for Theodore Roosevelt.

HARVEY: What’re you doing? That’s a priceless gun! Don’t get your claws all over ‘em.

WAYLON: I know how... to... handle a gun, Harvey! Just... let... GO!

HARVEY pulls the trigger by accident and kills WAYLON. BOOM. WAYLON is dead.

HARVEY: Oops.

EDWARD: Well... I mean, who didn’t see that one coming.

OSWALD: Who had Waylon as the next one out?

JERVIS: Yes!

JON: Fuck.

OSWALD: Fifty dollars to the little man.

JERVIS: Frabjous Day! Callooh Callay!

JON: Hey Jervis.

JERVIS: Hmm?

JON: I bet if you give me that money, you won’t be next.

JERVIS: I... but... I just... That... sounds like a good bet.

JON: Well Callooh Callay.

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR

JON: People think that I’m some kind of a monster. That I enjoy preyin’ on the weak and unfortunate. That I, for some reason, enjoy kicking downward at every opportunity. And they would be... absolutely correct. But in all fairness, Ed does too.

EDWARD: Oh, that was never up for debate.

INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY

OSWALD: Perhaps, seeing as we seem to be the instruments of either our own demise or someone else’s, we should retire. Surely we can’t do any harm whilst asleep.

JON: I feel like sleeping in separate rooms may leave us vulnerable.

EDWARD: We should pair up.

OSWALD: I’ll sleep with Harvey.

The room falls silent.

OSWALD: Harvey and I will share a room.

JON: I can bunk with Harley.

EDWARD: Ohhh no. The goal is to sleep, slick. Not... yeagh.

HARLEY: Maybe I’ll die the same way Selena did, hm?

JON chuckles.

EDWARD: [after a pause] AUGH. Harley, you’re staying with me.

HARLEY: You got it, Eddie. I’ll try not to snore too loud.

EDWARD: Much appreciated.

JON: Wake me up, and you’ll be fifty bucks richer. Get it?

JERVIS: Got it.

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR

JERVIS: I’m having a wonderful time. Frabjous.