Murder in the House of Mystery - Episode 05

EPISODE FIVE: FIFTH CIRCLE (WRATH)

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR

EDWARD: So in the hopes that we may survive this, Oswald said it was time to go night night. Maybe when we’re asleep we can’t kill each other. Obviously, he’s never shared a room with Jon after he’s had red meat.

INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY

JON and JERVIS share a room. There’s silence.

JERVIS: Jon? Psst. Jon? Are you asleep?

JON: Yes.

JERVIS: Oh, sorry.

JON: Fuck’s sake. What?

JERVIS: I can’t sleep.

JON: I don’t care.

JERVIS: Do you know any good stories?

JON: About 13,764. And you burned them all.

JERVIS: Oh god, that old chestnut. I thought I was going to die! We all did!

JON: Then you run away! You don’t burn down libraries! Temples of the enlightened! Safe havens for the mind!

JERVIS: You sound like Edward when you talk like that.

JON: Of course I do! We’re intellectuals!

JERVIS: Someone burned down the Library of Alexandria, Jonathan, are you mad about that too?

JON: The loss of quite possibly the largest and most significant library of the ancient world? I’m FURIOUS!

A dull thumping is heard.

OSWALD (THROUGH WALL): Keep it down in there, god dammit!

JON: Jervis is defending book burning!

OSWALD: Then just kill him for Christ’s sake, before I kill you both!

JON: Not knowing the importance of the library of Alexandria. It’s like...

JON pauses. He has an idea.

JON: It’s like not knowin’ Harley ain’t a natural blonde.

PAUSE.

JERVIS: I beg pardon?

JON: Harley. Did you...nah. You didn’t think she was, didja?

JERVIS: Of course she is.

JON: Ohhh, Jervis. She’s good, but I know the truth.

JERVIS: I don’t believe you.

JON: You wanna see?

JERVIS: I don’t see how we possibly could.

JON: Well, let’s just say there’s one place Harley ain’t puttin’ a highlightin’ cap, and I reckon if we’re quiet enough, we might just be able to get a look.

JERVIS: No! No, no, no, no, we couldn’t! I mean, surely she would awaken if we...

JON: Nah, she sleeps real heavy, and she don’t wear much to bed. If anything.

JERVIS: Oh good lord.

JON: Come on.

JON and JERVIS are in the hallway outside HARLEY and ED’S door.

JON: Alright, so it’s like I told ya, real quiet, lift the sheets, and bingo.

JERVIS: What if Edward wakes up?

JON: Good money says he’s wearing his sleep mask and well off to sleep by now.

JERVIS: Alright, here goes. (opens the door)

JON: Jervis?

JERVIS: Hmm?

JON: I believe in you.

JERVIS: Thank you. (closes the door)

JON: Psst. Hey. Y’all stay out here. Y’all ready to see somethin’ real funny?

HARLEY screams, a shotgun blast is heard, hitting the door JON is standing by. EDWARD wakes up yelling.

EDWARD: JESUS CHRIST! WHAT?! WHAT?!?!

EDWARD sees JERVIS with his chest blown out; EDWARD laughs hysterically.

HARLEY: The little pervert was tryin’ to sneak a peek!

JON: I knew you still slept with that thing!

HARLEY: Jonny! Why would you do that?

JON: So you’d shoot him! Figured this was the best way. Guess that means I owe him fifty bucks, huh?

EDWARD: That. Is. Hilarious.

JON and EDWARD laugh, HARLEY doesn’t.

JON: Oh, come on now, Harley. If you hadn’t killed him, I would’ve anyhow.

HARLEY: Hmph.

JON: You want me to make it up to you?

HARLEY: How?

JON whispers.

HARLEY: Edward. The room is yours.

JON and HARLEY leave.

EDWARD: (recovering) You kids go nuts. I’ll just... clean this up. … Thanks.

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR

EDWARD: In all fairness, it was more than fair. A dead Tetch AND a room to myself? (chuckles) Pretty sweet deal.

JON: Hey Ed.

EDWARD: Hmm?

JON: Harley Quim.

EDWARD: You’re absolutely vile.

JON: (laughs) Yep.