Murder in the House of Mystery - Episode 08

EPISODE EIGHT: EIGHTH CIRCLE (FRAUD)

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR

JON: Okay, I may have been a bit of a bastard, but in case you didn’t read the sign on my door before y’all met me, I’m Jonathan Fucking Crane. MD.

INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY

EDWARD: Now, Harley… think of the good times! Remember when you shot Jervis?

HARLEY swings.

EDWARD: Or when Jon tried to get you to kill me but you saw through it and killed him instead?

HARLEY swings.

EDWARD: Or when we... oh, shit... I got nothing else.

JON: See? He’s got nothin’! But us? We got history!

HARLEY swings.

JON: Remember when you accidentally flashed me in Joker’s hideout?

HARLEY swings.

JON: Or how about Twister! We love Twister, remember? Even though you cheat?

EDWARD: How do you cheat at Twister?

JON: Not the time, Ed.

HARLEY swings.

JON: Or... hey! How about the time I railed you down in Level 4?

HARLEY swings.

HARLEY: You’re both DEAD MEAT! You’re lucky Mistah J’s not around, because I’m gonna make it so much faster than he would!

EDWARD: Harley! We both... definitely appreciate your... generosity, but you might want to stop swinging that hammer!

HARLEY swings again.

JON: Alright, Harley. Enough. I don’t know how much more this house can take, so just... finish this. I surrender.

EDWARD: Jon, I...

JON: What?

EDWARD: Nothing... carry on.

HARLEY: Say hi to my puddin’ for me. In hell!

HARLEY swings, JON dodges, the pillar is smashed.

HARLEY: Oops.

The floor above caves in on HARLEY.

EDWARD: Wow... that show really...

JON: Don’t.

EDWARD: Brought down the house!

EDWARD laughs; JON groans and gets up.

EDWARD: Oh, come on! That was great!

JON: Well now there’s two of us.

EDWARD: The two amigos, the two musketeers, the dynamic duo. All we have to do is wait until sunrise and we’re home free.

JON: I suppose so...

EDWARD: You don’t sound too sure.

JON: Those two... the uh - hosts.

EDWARD: Cain and Abel? What of them?

JON: They said we’re all gonna die by sunrise.

EDWARD: And?

JON: What if we’re... I don’t know, supposed to?

EDWARD: I don’t follow.

JON: There’s clearly some strong magic runnin’ through here. So what if... I don’t know, the only way to get out in one piece is to die?

EDWARD: It’s an interesting theory, Jon, but you’re overlooking one teensy little detail.

JON: Which is?

EDWARD: It’s the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life.

JON: Well, what if dyin’ is gonna be like... a trigger? Something that resets everything? How could you sleep, knowing that you could have saved everyone from dying tonight?

EDWARD: I’m sorry - did Harley knock out the only braincell you had left? Save people? When did you ever care about saving people?

JON: These ain’t random badges, Ed. These are the closest things we have to friends, and they’re all dead.

EDWARD: We’re Rogues, Jon - that’s what we do. Or at least everyone outside of Gotham City. Here, Batman drops you off in a wicker straightjacket outside Arkham Orphanage with a little note that says “CRAZY, PLEASE HELP, LOVE, BATSY”. You ask how I would live? Comfortably in my silk sheets, quite possibly with both eyes closed for the first time in my life. If you think it’s gonna work, then by all means, kill yourself.

JON: Yeah, you’re probably right.

EDWARD: The sun is almost up - we walk out together, or I walk out alone. Either way, I’m getting the Early Bird special at the first greasy spoon I find because I just cannot give the  slightest amount of fucks anymore.

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR

JON: I think I have to kill Ed.