Don't Fix It, Chapter 3b

Note from Nick: I hope you had a good Memorial Day. Mine was good. Low-key, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, especially now that Cheeto Jesus is in exile.

Anyway, enough gloating. Here's today's installment.

Enjoy!

✧ ✧ ✧

Chapter 3 (cont'd)

“Thank you for not saying anything,” Allie said after we left the coffee shop. “I mean, you figured it out, obviously, but…”

I waited. “But…?”

“I’m not sure I can explain. It feels like everything’s moving so fast. I mean… You and I just— Well, you know. You were there. And I’ve only been divorced a few months—”

“Six,” I countered, “and separated a year.”

“Yeah, okay. And things were going downhill long before he moved out. Still… I just feel…”

“Like I’m pushing you?”

“No, no! Not that,” she said automatically.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Sorry about that. I’ll chill.”

“Okay, maybe you are, but sometimes I need a little push. Like the ‘just friends’ thing. I’m pretty happy with how things turned out.”

“Thanks. Me too.”

“No, I mean things’re moving fast everywhere else. Like, what if I’m not the same person I was back in college? I mean, we all do crazy things, but then we grow out of it.”

Or not, the little head said, and I checked the side mirror to hide an eye-roll. Leave it to Mr. Big to make it all about him. Fortunately, Allie was too preoccupied to notice.

“I mean, that was, like, fifteen years ago. Oh, God, has it really been that long?”

“Time flies when you’re having fun?”

“When does the fun part begin?”

“A couple of days ago,” the little head said through my mouth. I wanted to strangle him, and not in a good way.

“God, no kidding!” Allie laughed.

Nyah! Told you so!

“I shouldn’t’ve waited so long. I do feel a bit greedy, though, like I’m taking advantage of the situation. Or taking something that doesn’t belong to me. Christy made it pretty clear that she’s okay with it, though, and I know you are.”

Me too, the little head added. You know, in case you were wondering.

I wasn’t.

Okay, but I thought you might’ve forgotten.

I haven’t.

I could really use some attention.

I know. You keep reminding me.

I’m just making sure.

Mmm.

Any idea…? I mean, when…?

No clue. Now, will you kindly shut the fuck up.

Allie fell silent, and I frantically wondered if I’d spoken aloud. Then she nodded in the direction we were going.

“…which is why I wanna get tested. I never thought condoms were a big deal, but I guess they weren’t my problem before. I saw one, the whole time I was in high school. I carried it around in my purse, hidden in a pill compact. Does that count?”

“Oh, that’s right,” I chuckled. “It’s hard to imagine you as a nerd.”

“Well, I was.”

“Still… you didn’t use them in college?”

“Hardly ever. We knew about AIDS, but it was still a gay thing.”

“There are lots of other STDs.”

“Oh, I know! Now. But— It sounds so naïve… But back then, things like syphilis and gonorrhea were for girls from the wrong side of the tracks. We— Well, you know. You were there in the eighties. You remember what it was like.”

“Yeah, I do. A lot’s changed since then.”

“As long as you aren’t judging me.”

“No, that wasn’t what I meant. I’m a little surprised you didn’t use them for the parties—”

“What? No, that was the whole point! Condoms are the real world… sex in missionary, lights off, guy on top… and only one! I didn’t want any of that. I wanted fantasy. Two guys at once… three… more! With the lights on! Porn sex, not condoms!” She laughed when she heard herself but didn’t demur.

“Right. Fair enough.”

“That being said,” she continued in a calmer voice, “I guess I’m older now, so I want something different. I want… intimacy, although not like you think. I’m not looking for a husband or anything—”

“I know what you meant.”

“Good.” She paused to frame her next thought. “I didn’t realize how much I missed it, just a man and a woman…”

A penis and a vagina.

You want attention. Got it.

“…seems so clinical when we have to use a condom.”

“You won’t get any argument from me.”

“Okay, now that you mention it… how’s it work with your girlfriends? Or should I say your other girlfriends?”

“Do we use condoms, you mean?”

“Well, yeah… but… let’s go back a bit. What’m I? A girlfriend? Friend-friend? With benefits? Never mind. We already know about the benefits. So, what do you call Leah?”

“Complicated.”

Allie rolled her eyes at my glib reply. “You know what I mean.”

I nodded and didn’t explain. My relationship with Leah was complicated, and some part of me didn’t want to admit how I really felt about her. I might be tempted to act on it if I did.

“You know what Christy calls her? Your other wife.”

I nodded again, acknowledgment rather than admission, but Allie wasn’t ready to let it go. She loved a good story, after all.

“I saw the way you looked at McKenna, back at drop off.”

“Yeah. She’s practically our fourth daughter.” And I could love her without thinking about the stars, or what might’ve happened if they’d aligned differently.

“Okay,” Allie said slowly. “If you won’t tell me about Leah, then what about Tiffanie? She’s your girlfriend, right? God, that sounds so… high school… like you’re going together. Is that what you and I are doing? Going together?”

“That depends,” I said neutrally. “What do you want? I mean, are we just hooking up? A couple of one-night stands? A regular thing?” Like, perhaps, if you join the group?

“I— I don’t know,” she admitted.

“Neither do I. Not yet, at least.”

“It feels like a regular thing. I mean, I wanna get tested, don’t I? But yeah… for now I guess we’re hooking up.” She snorted a laugh. “That sounds funny when I say it—like ‘no diggity’—but it’s what kids say these days. Oh, God, listen to me! I sound like an old lady now.”

“I know what you mean,” I chuckled.

“Did you pick it up from Tiffanie?”

“What?”

“The phrase, hooking up.”

“Yeah, probably.”

Allie nodded. “We still need to answer the question: What’re we doing here? And what do we call each other?”

“Well, that’s easy. We’re friends, for sure. With benefits.”

“Obviously,” she grinned. “I don’t let my other friends grope me in the Starbucks parking lot.”

“Why not? You might like it. Certain friends, at least.”

She laughed but didn’t rise to the bait.

“As far as the rest,” I continued seriously, “I suppose we can figure it out as we go. I mean, I don’t think of you as my girlfriend—”

“I’m too old.”

“Not really.”

“No, I am. Like I said, ‘girlfriend’ feels so immature. But I’m not your lover. That makes it sound like we’re cheating—”

“Which we aren’t,” I agreed.

“Right. So… what did you call Miss Li? Or the heiress? They’re closer to my age, aren’t they?”

“Well, ‘Miss Li’ is Genevieve. At least, she was. I haven’t talked to her since she moved. But that’s not what you asked. We were friends with benefits.”

Allie nodded.

“The same with ‘the heiress,’ only… she doesn’t like to be called that.”

“Oh. Okay. No problem. I’ll—” Allie blinked in surprise. “I don’t actually know her name.”

“Alexa.”

“Christy never said. She always called her ‘the heiress.’”

“I’m not surprised. She… um…” I tried to find a polite way to say what I was thinking. “I guess she’s a little jealous.”

“Jealous? Who? Christy? Of—? Sorry, of Alexa? But… I mean… Why?”

Christy had never come right out and said it, but I knew how she felt. We’d been married twenty years, after all. She also tried to downplay it, and I pretended it wasn’t an issue. Her reasons were obvious, while mine were selfish, which I didn’t like to admit.

I enjoyed spending time with Alexa, and I definitely enjoyed having sex with her, but it was more than that. We had a no-strings relationship, and I didn’t have to think about it. She was a guilty pleasure, an escape, more than any woman I’d slept with since college. I was the same for her, a vacation from her high-profile life and all the headaches that entailed.

“Forget I asked,” Allie said, a little perturbed.

“What? Oh, no! Sorry. I was woolgathering.” I thought back and picked up where I’d gone missing. “Why’s she jealous? Honestly? A dumb reason, but it’s classic Christy, if that makes sense.”

“Well, if it’s ‘classic Christy,’ then it’s probably superficial. So… is it about her looks? Alexa’s?”

“Right in one.”

“For real? But Christy’s gorgeous! I write about women half her age who’d kill for a body like hers!”

“Maybe on the outside.”

Allie thought about it and nodded. “Yeah, I see what you mean. Basic human nature. You think everyone else is perfect and you’re the one who’s messed up.”

“Mmm hmm.”

“So… what’s this Alexa like? I mean, she must be a supermodel or something.”

“Close.”

Allie’s eyebrows rose with each passing moment that I didn’t elaborate. “For real?”

“Yep.”

“A supermodel?” she repeated.

“More like a celebrity, but yeah.”

“Okay, now you have to tell me.”

I signaled to change lanes. We needed to turn, and I used it as an excuse to avoid the question.

“Oh my God! Seriously?” Allie laughed.

“I don’t like to kiss and tell.”

She rolled her eyes.

“Besides, I need to keep some things private. Otherwise you’ll lose interest and find another guy to sleep with.”

“I’m thinking about it now,” she threatened playfully. “Mark’s pretty hot. And I know he’s interested. Or Trip. His wife’s out of town too, you know. He doesn’t like blowjobs as much, but I’ve heard he eats pussy like a champ.”

“His words exactly,” I chuckled, “but good luck with that.”

The little head actually face-palmed.

“He’s in the middle of the playoffs,” I added quickly. “He doesn’t do anything that gets in the way of baseball. I mean, why d’you think Wren picked this week for swim camp? She’s like me—she needs to get laid every day, and she knew it wasn’t gonna happen while Trip’s team is in the running.”

Better. Now, get back in there! I need some attention— Ah-ah! From a lady this time. I know you…, he warned.

I chuckled and didn’t deny it. Then I returned to the task of digging myself out of a hole. That I’d dug. For myself. (Yeah, it sounded bad when I put it like that.)

“Mark is definitely interested,” I told Allie. “And I’m sure he’d love to join us. Maybe tomorrow night—?”

“What! Who said anything about tomorrow night?”

“I did.”

“Right,” she deadpanned.

“I know we haven’t talked about it, but you’re welcome to stay to the end of the week. It’s a lot more convenient, especially with dance camp.”

Allie nodded slowly.

“Leah’s still in Washington,” I hinted, “and McKenna’s in the same camp.”

“You think they should spend the night too? The rest of the week? Is that it?”

“Maybe not the rest of the week, but tomorrow night. Wait, hear me out. We’ll invite them for dinner. Mark’ll know what’s up.”

“I bet!” Allie laughed, and I realized she wasn’t as upset as she wanted me to think.

“Right. He’ll know what’s up. Besides, it’s a long drive home from our place…”

“And they usually spend the night,” she finished. “Wow. I walked into that, didn’t I?”

“Kinda, yeah.”

She grinned at me sideways. “I still think we’re moving too fast…”

“But…?”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Awesome!” We shared a grin before mine slowly disappeared. “Now’s probably a good time to warn you… my attitude is about to change. Drastically. I’m fine once we get inside, but… you’ll see.”

✧ ✧ ✧

I slowed as we approached the clinic and scanned the sidewalk for religious zealots and sign-toting protesters. Sure enough, three of them stood near the entrance to the parking lot. I even recognized one of the regulars, a diehard, self-righteous scold who gave Christians everywhere a bad name.

Part of me wanted to do the world a favor and run him over. I could get all three if I didn’t mind taking out a few shrubs. Then again, the landscaping served a useful purpose, so I settled for pointing out the useless people instead.

“Onward, Christian soldiers.”

Allie frowned. “Huh?”

“The pro-lifers.”

“Oh. What about them?”

“They’re marching as to war. This is their Crusade.”

“They’re just passionate,” Allie said.

“Maybe, but not about what you think.”

“Stopping abortion?”

“Then why don’t they support easy access to birth control? Or better sex education in schools? I mean, the best way to stop abortion is to prevent unwanted pregnancies in the first place, right? But that isn’t what they want. No, they just want to force their twisted morality on everyone. Only, it hasn’t existed since The Scarlet Letter. Heck, it didn’t exist then.”

“I haven’t read it since high school,” she said. “But… what’s it have to do with these people?”

“Pro-lifers aren’t ‘passionate Christians.’ They’re misogynists hiding behind religion. They only want to terrorize women and control their bodies.”

“Okay, I give!” Allie laughed. “I’m on your side anyway.”

“Yeah, sorry. I told you… I get riled up every time I come here.”

Fortunately, the clinic was private property, and the Puritan Inquisition couldn’t approach the entrance without being arrested. Besides, Allie and I were a middle-aged couple, and I was spoiling for a confrontation. The zealots only harassed single women who were desperate and vulnerable.

The security guard at the entrance recognized me and nodded. He was an older Black man, an Air Force vet and former police sergeant with the ironic name of Arthur Dimsdale. I chatted with him sometimes, especially when I visited by myself.

He and his wife had raised two sons and put them through college. These days they spoiled their grandkids. On Saturday he smoked a brisket and made dinner so his wife could play Spades with her friends. On Sunday he sang in the church choir. Monday through Friday he guarded a women’s health clinic.

I liked him. He was a good Christian, a real one. He didn’t wear his beliefs on his sleeve, didn’t carry a sign, and definitely didn’t accost people for having different ones. He was too polite to come right out and say it, but his presence at the clinic was a silent rebuke to the protestors.

I greeted him as we approached, “Hey, Art. Sorry if I put you on high alert.”

“Every time,” he chuckled in his Johnny Cash bass. “You get out of the car like you’re lookin’ for a fight.”

“That’s because I am.”

“They aren’t worth it. You know that.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t change how I feel.”

“Can’t argue with that. You doin’ all right?”

“I am, thanks. You?”

“Can’t complain.” He nodded politely to Allie, “Ma’am.”

“Good to see you again,” I said to him. “Say hi to your wife.”

“You do the same.” His eyes crinkled with amusement. He’d seen me with at least four different women over the years, and Mother Dimsdale hadn’t raised no dummy. He didn’t know exactly what my lifestyle was, but he didn’t have a problem with it. This Arthur Dimsdale was the exact opposite of his Puritan namesake.

I opened the door for Allie and felt better already.

“I know I should’ve said something before now,” she said quietly, “but… do I need an appointment?”

“Not for a walk-in test.”

“Okay, thanks. And thanks for coming with me.”

“No problem. I need to get tested again anyway.”

She smiled nervously and looked around the waiting area. It looked like any other doctor’s office.

“I thought it would look like a fortress or something.”

“Nope. It’s a regular clinic. They have more bomb threats than most, and the crazies sometimes pose as patients, but it’s business as usual once you get inside.” I added our names to the testing list and passed the clipboard to the woman behind the counter.

“Go ahead and have a seat,” she said. “Someone will call your name when they’re ready for you.”

“Now we wait,” I said to Allie.

“How long will it take?”

“You don’t have another appointment, do you?”

She rolled her eyes. “No, the test itself.”

“I know. Sorry. I was trying to lighten the mood. Anyway, it’s fairly quick. Start with a questionnaire and routine physical exam. Then draw blood, pee in a cup, and swab your cheek. After that you’re all done. Wait for the results. Easy peasy.”

“When will we find out? I mean, do they have to send it off to the lab? Never mind, stupid question. Of course they do. But… I mean…?”

“The HIV test is the one we really care about, and it’s fairly quick. We’ll have those results in twenty-four hours. The others might take longer, but most of us are willing to fudge a bit, especially if we know the person. Besides, antibiotics will kill most normal things.”

“Are you speaking from experience?”

“Me? God, no! I’ve been lucky. Well, lucky and careful.”

“What about the others?”

“The same,” I said. “Zero infections.”

“That’s good to know.”

“We’re careful.”

“Obviously,” she agreed.

“We’ve had some scares over the years, but none amounted to anything.”

“What happened?”

“Oh, the usual things.” She scoffed politely, and I conceded the point, “Yeah, fair enough. We have different ideas of ‘usual.’”

The door opened before Allie could ask any more questions, and my friend stuck her head out. She smiled when she saw me, although she had to double-check her clipboard for Allie’s name.

“Paul and… Allison?”

“That’s us,” I said.

“I know. C’mon back.”

I waited until the door closed to make introductions.

“Lori, this is Allison—”

“Allie to my friends,” she said automatically.

“Allie, this is Lori, our friend at the clinic.”

Lori looked like a thirty-something Britney Spears, with the same blonde hair and brown eyes. Her figure was the MILF version of the pop star’s, and I didn’t feel like a dirty old man for ogling her. She even managed to make blue scrubs look sexy.

She caught me looking and rolled her eyes, but it was a friendly gesture, a game we played. She knew my taste in women and fit it perfectly, but she was happy with her husband.

“Are you here for the usual?” she asked.

“Yes, please. And it’s Allie’s first time, so—”

“Be gentle?” She leaned close to her and confided, “He says the same thing every time. I hope he’s more original in bed.”

Allie blinked in surprise.

“You’re welcome to find out,” I said.

“What would you do if I said yes?” Lori taunted.

“Take you up on it, duh!”

“Now he’s going to say that my husband’s a lucky man.”

“He is.”

“Tell him that!” Lori laughed.

“He’s crazy if he doesn’t know it already.”

“Oh, he does.”

“And if you ever get sick of monogamy, you know who to call.”

“BR-549?”

“You got it!”

✧ ✧ ✧

To be continued…

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Acknowledgements

Special thanks to Big Ed Magusson.

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