“I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t make the rules. I can’t let you get into the pool? Why? Do you really need me to spell it out for you? I mean, I’d prefer not to, because it’s kind of a sensitive issue, if you understand what I’m saying. Sensitive how? Um, you really don’t get it, sir? Oh shit, well . . . um, we have some, you know, safety factors to consider with a guest like yourself that . . . oh Jesus, this is making me uncomfortable. It’s to do with your . . . um, dimensions, sir. Yeah, I’m talking about your size, sir. Your weight. Your . . . immense weight. There’s no way that even someone as strong and muscular as me could assist you if you got into any difficulties in the water, is there? Your massive obesity means that even if I had two or probably three other lifeguards on duty with me that we could do anything to get you outta that pool. No, I don’t need you to tell me how much you weigh, but just hearing you say the words 798 lbs reaffirms what I’m telling you, sir. The sheer amount of fat I can see covering every inch of your gigantic body is all the evidence I need that you're way too fat for us to allow you to swim here. As I said, I don’t make the rules but they are there for a reason. And if I can say this without offending you, sir, you really need to do something about your weight. I’ve had a few family members who’ve struggled with obesity so I know how tough it is, but I also know the damage all those hundreds and hundreds of pounds of excess blubber are doing to your body. So, maybe when you get home from your vacation you should speak to your doctor or something. Hey, big man, I know you’re disappointed about not being able to use the pool, but you’re still on vacation, right? So a few more pounds gained isn’t going to make that much difference. Lemme help heave your massive body up and I’ll walk you over to the all-you-can-eat buffet. I think you’re probably pretty damn good at eating your feelings, aren’t you, big guy?”
