The Final Bwa-Ha-Ha: Superbuddies Go To Hell

*Based on the I Can't Believe It's Not The Justice League arc in JLA Classified 4-9. Now told without any damn censoring.*

Rivers of lava poured and streamed, cutting through the graven landscape like varicose veins. The rock curled, climbed, sometimes rising into cliffs that were almost majestic and at others plummeting into abysses that seemed bottomless but for the fiery light climbing out of them. Smoking volcanos were an omnipresent feature of their surroundings, their dark gas stinging the eyes and offending the nostril, but the hazy miasma seemed the final suiting facet of the vision that surrounded them.

“Oh my God!” Ted cried. “We’ve been sucked into a video game! We’re in Doom!”

The tension broke, or at least cracked, as all present turned to stare at Ted: Ralph Dibny, Beatriz Da Costa, Michael Carter, and Mary Broomfield.

“This isn’t Doom, idiota! This is Hell!”

Mary emitted a small squeak and seemed on the verge of covering her ears.

“Hey, watch the mouth,” Ralph said, trying to be reasonable. “And let’s not panic. There’s no reason to assume we’re… down there. This could simply be another dimension, or some other planet. One with big caves and a lot of fire—”

“OH GOSH!” Mary cried, pointing.

There, in the distance, a massive horned beast waded through a sea of flame. It was red-skinned, humanoid, with thick muscles striating its coarse skin. Long claws protruded from its four fingers and oversized teeth distorted its maw.

“Not many people go to church in my neck of the future,” Booster said. “But I’m pretty sure that’s a demon.”

“Madre de Dios,” Bea muttered and crossed herself.

“Now, now,” Ralph said, “it could simply be an alien that looks like a… like that. Trigon. Now, if Trigon didn’t have four eyes, you could easily mistake him for a Bad Place resident…”

“Trigon, the guy who almost destroyed the world?” Ted asked. “The guy that has the Titans running to the Justice League for daddy’s help?”

“I agree with Ralph,” Booster said. “Just because Trigon is a prick—”

Mary gasped. Bea shot Booster a chiding look.

Booster coughed. “Doesn’t mean everyone in his species is like that. This guy could be friendly but just look weird. Like J’onn. Or Rami Malek.”

Ted pulled at his hair. “Do they stop making antipsychotics in the future?” he demanded. “It’s clear what’s happened! We’ve all died and gone to—”

“Hades!” Bea interrupted, sparing Mary, who was in her arms, having her head patted.

“I don’t remember dying,” Ralph said, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

“If his nose wiggles, I swear to God—” Bea began.

“Could be what got you here in the first place,” Michael pointed out. “Isn’t there something in the Fifteen Commandments about not taking the Lord’s name in vain?”

“Ten Commandments,” Ted corrected him.

“You only have ten in this time period? No wonder you’re so screwy.”

“Does anyone remember dying?” Ralph asked.

“¡Me cago en todo—“ Bea began before breaking off. “I didn’t die. I was looking for Guy so I could beat his ass!”

“Can’t go to Hell for that!” Booster and Ted said at the same time.

“I was sprucing up the old homestead,” Ralph said, gesturing, realizing he still held the paint roller with a splotch of red paint flew from it and hit Bea.

Bea scowled and flamed on a little to burn the paint off her arm.

Ted jumped away from her. “It’s happening! Hell is starting to change her! Soon she’ll be chanting creepy nursery rhymes, stalking Mia Farrow—”

“We can agree to ignore him, yeah?” Bea asked.

“I try to, but he never seems to take a hint,” Ralph said.

“Try slapping him. Works for me.”

Ted hurriedly changed the subject. “And I was at the JSA, trying to recruit Power Girl.”

“I was with him!” Booster said.

“No, you weren’t.”

“I was in the brownstone with him. We got separated, but I definitely wasn’t getting killed!”

Bea grunted. “Yeah, what were you doing, pawing through Power Girl’s underwear drawer?”

“Why would he go through Power Girl’s underwear?” Mary asked. “Doesn’t he have underwear of his own?”

“God, I hope so.”

“So no one was getting killed,” Ralph said. “Then we must’ve been teleported here. Some criminal mastermind wanted us out of the way so there’d be no one to stop him from taking over the world!”

A beat of silence passed as everyone considered the probability of that.

“Wow, talk about thorough,” Ted muttered.

“Yeah, that’s downright obsessive-compulsive,” Booster agreed.

Mary lifted her hand.

“Are you asking to be called on?” Ralph asked.

“I didn’t want to interrupt.” Mary lowered her hand. “If this was all to imprison us, get us out of the way—where’s Superman? Or Batman? Shouldn’t they be here too?”

“Yeah,” Ted agreed, his pointer finger coming up and scratching at the air as his own idea fermented. “Not even all the Superbuddies are here!”

Bea covered Mary’s ears. “Maybe we all got killed at once. Like in a nuclear blast.”

“And we went to Hell?” Ted demanded. “I know we have our shortcomings, but we really deserve to get tormented for all eternity? Even the Spectre wouldn’t be that harsh!”

“Gluttony’s a sin, isn’t it?” Booster asked, poking Ted in a not-so-solid midsection.

“Oh yeah? What’s about marrying an old lady for her money!?”

“Polly and I are in love!”

“I don’t know if I deserve Hell,” Ralph said, “but if I did, Sue would be here too. We do everything together.”

“Maybe she escaped the nuke,” Booster reasoned. “She could be all grizzled and eyepatched in a Mad Max future right now!”

“She’d have fun with that,” Ralph said.

“And it’d suit her driving.”

“Idiotas!” Bea swore. “No matter what we’ve done or haven’t done, does anyone think Mary deserves to be in Hell?”

There was a chorus of denials. Mary beamed a little.

“Okay, so we’re not dead,” Ralph summarized. “But we’re probably in Hell. Someone must’ve teleported us here, for some unknown reason, because there seems to be no rhyme or reason to it being only the five of us here and not anyone else.”

“Batman would’ve figured that out a lot faster,” Booster muttered to Ted. “That’s why he’s the World’s Greatest Detective.”

“I know, right?” Ted muttered back, and pulled his cowl back to scrub at his sweaty forehead. “We’ve been here fifteen minutes and we’re just now agreeing it’s Hell. This reminds me of playing D&D.”

“You thought we got Troned.”

“Excuse me for employing lateral thinking!”

“Booster, you’re so lateral you’re in the next town over!”

The woman’s laugh was light and airy, cutting through the oppressive red-tinged darkness as conspicuously as a sudden rain. It was not lost in the omnipresent sounds of bubbling lava, agonized shrieks, and boiling smoke released from the depths. Indeed, it caught the ears of all present, pulling their attention to a nearby shore where flowing magma polished the rock to a red-hot sheen.

Horns stabbed through the surface of the glowing liquid. A ram’s horns, curved and sharpened, leading the way for the crown of black hair that next emerged from the molten rock. And then a set of brilliant yellow eyes, alive with passion, and a face of such beauty that even her red skin could not diminish the attractiveness of her features.

“Humina humina humina,” Booster muttered under his breath.

“Maybe we’ve died and gone to Heaven,” Ted sighed.

“Talk about a she-devil,” Ralph said.

“Men!” Bea cursed, then her set jaw went slack as she watched the woman’s firm yet feminine body ascend into the light, lava draining off her to reveal that however reddened she might be, her flesh was clearly creamy and delectable. “¡Cuánto…!”

Belatedly, she thought to cover Mary’s eyes.

Wearing only the lava, and less of that with each passing moment, the demoness strutted toward them. Each step revealing more of her high, full breasts and the tight little labia lips that were a pale shade of pink, but still on the same red spectrum as all her body. And there was plenty of that. Her height was fully six feet.

“I am Lady Blaze, Queen of Hell! I bid you welcome, distant travelers. Looking for work?”

As curvaceous as any heroine, Blaze had a sturdy and voluptuous body. She had strong hips and buttocks, toned arms, a graceful back, and powerful thighs above her tapered calves. The flesh was tight on her elegant bone structure and the way she held herself made her look like a wet dream that had been miscolored.

“Work?” Mary murmured.

Blaze made a small gesture and she was suddenly clothed. Somewhat. Purple cloth ran in two bands from a neckpiece down to a skull-decorated belt, where the vee became a loincloth dangling over her pubis. There was little else covering her but jewelry: bracelets, armlets, a coronet, rings.

Booster and Ted moaned in disappointment. Ralph belatedly looked away, whistling under his breath.

Bea could see they wouldn’t be of much help. Were they ever? “Why are we here?” she demanded of Blaze.

“You tell me,” Blaze volleyed back. “Usually when you heroes come here, it’s to rescue some lost soul or pick a fight with some squatter. We do get lots of dark wizards setting up shop here. It’s annoying but, what can you do? We wouldn’t be much of a hell if we started turning away the damned, now would we?”

Mary pried Bea’s hand off her eyes. “She’s a demon! She’s not going to give us a straight answer! Let’s beat on her until she sends us home!”

“The Queen of Hell? In Hell?” Ralph asked. “Even I know that’s a bad idea.

“Yeah, even Ralph knows that’s a bad idea,” Ted put in.

“I mean I’m not a magic guy, I don’t usually—”

“I know it’s a bad idea too!” Booster said.

Mary looked to Bea for help. The Latina could only shrug. “Maybe we should try talking? It does seem to be how most of our adventures wrap up.”

“I’m not talking! She’s one devil! I’m six gods! SHAZAM!”