Control

"So I've Finally Played… Control" was one of the hardest videos I've ever written which seems bizarre as it is by all means rather basic in its structure. While other video games are mentioned as per usual, the bulk is about Control alone, so I'm not jumping through a dozen games like I am for this current video I'm working on. I'm not building an hour long analysis about its development and 100% of its content ever released like a Years Later video. It wasn't written in an all new pacing method I've got no experience in.

For some reason during that period of time, I just felt like a couldn't write anymore. I'd gone through writers block before, but not like this. I straight up couldn't type a sentence I appreciated upon reading, every word felt like one step towards public humiliation leading to unemployment.

It wasn't because some videos I made previously got "only 200k" like some family members I mentioned previously come to me about. Putting expectation on the algorithm is begging for disaster and I personally would've committed cold blooded murder to get 50k back in the days when I was deliberately trying to prod Youtube for success instead of doing my own thing.

What it likely stemmed from were the last few projects not being enjoyable to make. In the case of my video on Mobile Game, it stemmed from technical issues. I found that feeding the phone through an HDMI converter to the Capture Card was best for quality, and it worked…

For a day.

Then the rest of the week was spent trouble shooting unbearable stuttering that ruined the video's quality and made all the games virtually unplayable without a single post online identifying the problem. It lead to me purchasing new cables and an entirely new capture card in a desperate attempt to diagnose the problem. I thought I found the solution, that my capture card was dying, because cables wouldn't change the results, but I've since then put back in my old capture card and it not only runs flawlessly but runs better than the brand new one I replaced it with.

Anybody want a brand new Elgato 4K Capture Pro Mark II?

Then there was Need for Speed: Carbon where I had to render blender files for the first time, play a game that'd disable my controller at random intervals, and Adobe Premiere would slow down the further and further the project went along…

These circumstances created a scenario where finishing a script would mean the torture of troubleshooting not the process of creation. Signing yourself up for sleepless nights, not even having the energy to appreciate any positive feedback that is sent your way.

I was really down, external circumstances adding on-top of work I'm supposed to love drowned me like a tsunami wave. I was legitimately lead up against a wall on the floor, taking my therapist's advice in letting the tears come out rather than bottling up those very real emotions, but decided to add a new twist to this latest episode of depression and sadness.

I wrote.

Just a little 500 word snippet I'll perhaps use in a personal project years from now, but it was the first thing I ever wrote in tears. First time I ever let mind at its lowest point steer me creatively, not so much writing but documenting what was rushing through my head, and reading the result, it fucked up…

It fucked me up because it was good.

Sending it to a trusted friend, they told me it fucked them up too, and it was 30 minutes after that, I wrote half of the Control video in little over an hour.

There was lots of editing and especially restricting. Lines I'm not very pleased with, but overall, I look back at the Control video now and came away so much higher than I expected upon starting it, especially as even the editing went rather smoothly, taking all the precautions to make sure Adobe doesn't update, move, or modify things in the midst of working.

It's quite ironic that such a low point is what saved my ability, but irony can be attached to anything; valuable lessons, very much included.