Blood Gulchers 35

"To Bits. BRB. From Bop. PS You can unclench your assholes," Emersyn read off dryly. "That asshole."

"Captain, are you....sure we shouldn't contact somebody about the Alpha escaping?" one of the bridge crew asked nervously.

"What part of "BRB" is unclear to you?" Emersyn asked with a shake. "He's a damn AI, and a damn powerful one. He'll probably be back any second now."

"Incoming transmission, location and sender unknown!"

"Speak of the digital devil," Emersyn said in annoyance. "Let him in."

The lights on the bridge flickered for a second before Church's hologram appeared on the holo-table, his form slowly spinning. "Fucking finally! For a nanosecond, I got lost somewhere between the life support systems and the coolant systems," Church said before looking toward Emersyn. "Hey Bits, get the message?"

"Fuck you! You nearly gave my crew a heart attack!" Emersyn retorted in accusation.

"Yeah, sorry about that, I had to work through some stuff," Church said, turning to face Emersyn to compensate for his rotating form. "Dammit, how do I turn the spinning off on this? Ahh, there we go."

Emersyn sighed. "Is there a reason I shouldn't have you detained and contained with the rest of the AIs?"

"I mean, you can't," Church pointed out factually. "But also your bosses will tell you not to."

".....Why?" Emersyn asked suspiciously.

"Oh, I may have sent some information their way. They'll be contacting you in.....huh. How long was I gone again?" Church asked curiously.

"About fifteen minutes," one of the crew members answered casually.

"Think you random stranger whose file I will not look up like some fucking AI creep," Church said.

"Thanks?" the crewmate answered uncertainly.

"You're welcome Jerald," Church said smugly.

"....Hey, wait a minute," Jerald said slowly.

"Enough," Emersyn said with a sigh. "Church, where the hell did you go and what the hell did you do?"

"To quote a guy in a mask, I went to meet my maker and repay him in kind for all he has done," Church answered.

"...You went after the Director," Emersyn summarized. "No one knows where he is."

"Yeah, now the entire navy knows where he is," Church answered in a cold tone. "I thought about killing him. Ran about a hundred different ideas through my head before I realized how fucked up I was being, so I decided to capture him so we can all deal with the fucker later."

"And what makes you think he won't escape?" Emersyn questioned skeptically.

"Oh trust me, I made sure he won't," Church said with a malicious smile to himself.

"You did all that in fifteen minutes?" Emersyn asked with a head tilt.

"Bitch, please, I did it in two! Church bragged. "I just....kind of stopped at an abandoned Freelancer facility Yeah, there isn't much of anything there anymore."

"....Did you make a pit stop to destroy an entire compound to vent some rage" Emersyn realized.

"Yes, yes I fucking did," Church admitted shamelessly. "So.....anything else before I head down to see how everyone is doing?"

"It's not like I could stop you if I wanted to, "Emersyn said with a head shake. "Just kindly don't fuck with my ship any more than you have to."

"Message received," Church said as he vanished.

"He's transmitting t the surface," Jerald said beofr eturing to Emersyn. "You didn't tell him what happened down there?"

"Nope. The bastard can find out on his own," Emersyn said with a sigh. "Tell me the moment we get a message from anyone on the higher-ups about-"

Several alerts went off from the bridge.

“And that’s probably every boss I have, sending us messages about this,” Emersyn said with a long, suffering sigh.

Meanwhile

"Ughh, somehow it feels less awesome to be an AI rather than a spirit that just refused to move on," Church said as he appeared in the canyon, looking around to find himself near the gate.

"Ummm....."

He turned around to see Zimmerman standing there. "Oh, hey, Zim. Sorry if I scared you all shitless."

"I thought we were about to be mentally cooked when red lights started going off everywhere," Zimmerman remarked.

"Yeah, had a bit of a rage episode. I got that shit out of my system. Oh, and I tracked down the director, so, yay me?" Church said with a shrug.

"Oh. That is...actually good news," Zimmerman said in surprise. "So is he dead?"

"Not yet, still debating that," Church muttered darkly before looking behind Zimmerman. "Speaking of dead...."

Zimmerman glanced back at the number of soldiers on the ground, all immobile and still, but some of them snoring.

"Everyone survive?" Church asked curiously. "Do we need to get that alien guy down here to revive some folks?"

"No, just some broken bones and many heavy doses of knock-out gas. Also, somehow your people all managed to avoid breathing it in," Zimmerman explained.

"Yeah, we've had some....stinky situations in the past I'd rather not talk about," Church remarked.

"Good, because I'm sure I'm better off not knowing," Zimmerman said as an awkward silence settled over them. "So....do I call you Alpha? Church?"

"Church works for now," Church waved off. "So, where are the idiots?"

"Still through the gate," Zimmerman answered, jabbing a thumb toward the structure. "Do you want me to tell you the rest of what happened?"

"Nah. I'll probably end up hearing an insane, cartoon version of what happened from Caboose and hear the others to clarify. Might as well as hear it as few times as I need to, "Church answered as he headed to the gate and vanished.

"....Yeah, I can see that," Zimmerman said with a head shake before activating his communicator. "Captain, just so you know-"

"I know that digitized asshole is back, Zimmerman! Get in line!" Emersyn yelled in response before cutting off the line.

"Wow. She only yells like that when things have gone pear-shaped or when the higher-ups are hounding her about something," Zimmerman remarked, having a good idea what that "something" was about.

Meanwhile, Church quickly found the Blood Gulchers after crossing into the Gate Base.

"Hey guys," Church greeted casually as he appeared in the circle as if he hadn't seemingly gone rogue-AI on everyone.

"Son, what in Sam Hill did you do?" Sarge asked gruffly.

"Yeah, what the fuck? One minute the Freelancers are trying to hold down the Meta, and the next there is tampon-lightning going everywhere," Grif said in exasperation.

"Tampon-lightning. Really?" Simmons asked dryly.

"I don't know! I think that could be a cool name for a band or album," Donut defended.

"It better be a band of chicks, or at least have a hot lead singer," Tucker remarked. "But yeah, what was that light show about? Zimmerman and the rest all started freaking out."

"If you would all shut up for a quectosecond, I'd get to that," Church said with a groan. "You remember the Alpha? That AI-God thing that the Freelancers hid somewhere around her Bloodgulch?"

"It's you," everyone answered in sync.

"Wait, what the FUCK?! You all knew!?" Church asked with an enraged voice, his see-through form glowing red.

"Relax, Zimmy and the others read us in while you were trying to blue-screen the Meta," Tucker explained before waving to the red leader. "Though, Sarge kind of figured it out on his own, somehow."

Church's glow faded in surprise. "Wait, seriously? Sarge? How the hell did you figure it out?"

"Son, do you think there is any force in this universe that would prevent me from removing anything out of a robot that I made if it had even the smallest chance it would stop said robot from attacking Grif on command?" Sarge asked dully. "I knew something stunk in the swamp when they said something about a friendly fire thing keeping you from shooting anyone in our armor."

"That is the stupidest, most-sarge line of Logic, but I can't find a single fault in it," Church said in annoyance.

"How do you think I feel?" Grif asked in the same tone.

Church sighed as he continued. "Right, so, I found out I'm the Alpha. Kind of had a mental breakdown. But I had a chit-chat with myself, and that helped- don't ask, it got weird even before the tentacles got involved."

"I'm sorry, what were involved and where was I?" Donut asked in both alarm and interest.

"Gross," Simmons and Tucker both commented at once.

"So, you know, I was really pissed off and decided to go find the asshole responsible for all this; the Director of Freelancer," Church explained.

"Did you kill him?" Grif asked with a head tilt.

"Nah. Thought about it, a lot, but I thought it might be a good idea to let the higher-ups drag him through whatever legal bullshit they want. That and if I kill him? I want to be able to remember it without being in a haze of rage."

"Going on a bloodbath can be fun, but you're never sure how much of the memories are real and how much is your blood-tinted nostalgia," Sarge agreed.

"Okay, Sarge's insanity aside, what I'm getting from this is that you got pissed off, left to vent, and now you're good. That's about right?" Tucker asked curiously.

"Yeah, that about sums up my reaction to finding out I was tortured into insanity," Church admitted casually. "So, what happened here? Also, where is Caboose?"

"Hello!"

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!" Church screamed as he snapped around to see a familiar blue trooper. "Caboose!? How long have you been standing there!?"

"Hahaha! Dude, AI or Ghost, Caboose just scared you shitless!" Tucker said as they all laughed and chuckled.

"I have been here the whole time!" Caboose answered proudly.

"...." Church looked back to the others. "Has he really?"

"Yeah, he was walking here when you popped in. Not sure why he didn't say anything though," Donut answered.

"I just thought he was broken or something," Grif said with a shrug.

"I was waiting for my turn, in line, very quietly," Caboose said, as if he was expecting praise or a prize for doing so.

"In line? For what?" Church asked with bewilderment

"To join the friendship circle! You got here first, so I was waiting for my chance to join!" Caboose explained as if it was obvious.

"Dammit, I'm literally a supercomputer here! How is it I can calculate the number of marshmallows Grif has eaten today just by looking at him, but I can't make shit for bricks when I try to predict you?" Church asked in annoyance.

"Yeah, I do that," Caboose said casually as if he understood. "....Can I join now?"

Church stared for a moment before stepping to the side, making room for the team idiot.

"Thank you. Hello everyone! It is so good to be here with you all again!" Caboose said eagerly.

Church sighed. "You know, despite what I just said, this is refreshing after everything else I've been dealing with today."

"So....can you really tell how many marshmallows I ate?" Grif asked with a head tilt.

"Is it more than one bag?" Simmons asked pointedly

"Oh yeah, a lot more," Church answered with a snort.

"Grif! We agreed that we each got one!" Simmons complained.

"Do you expect me to notice how many I ate? I go on full autopilot with things like marshmallows. The bag is empty? I don't even notice opening the next unless there's none to open," Grif countered.

"That explains a few things," Caboose said, slowly looking at Grif. "You stole my fruit snacks."

".....You guys have fruit snacks?" Grif asked in surprise.

"Caboose, for the last time, Junior ate them all," Tucker reminded with a headshake.

"But you told me he only ate blood!" Caboose complained.

"He's a baby! He thought the juicy insides were strange-looking blood! Lay off my kid!" Tucker yelled defensively.

"Calm the Mama Bear mode, Tucker," Church said in amusement. "We're getting a bit off topic."

"We have a topic?" Donut asked dubiously.

"Right, anyway? I got to ask, if you're this Alpha AI, what does that make Tex?" Simmons asked curiously.

"The Alpha-Alpha AI!" Caboose suggested enthusiastically

"Your feminine side?" Donut suggested.

"A lying bitch, what else is new," Church answered stoically.

"Wow! Damn, man, I can feel that," Tucker said in surprise.

"Sounds like someone needs some couples therapy!" Donut suggested.

"Don't you dare volunteer," Church warned pointedly to the pink trooper.

"Ummm, no, I don't have that kind of training. Buuuuut, I think Doc does?" Donut suggested, a bit nervous.

"Look, I don't want to talk about Texas, Beta, or whatever the fuck names she's going by right now," Church said pointedly. "Long story short, she knew everything this entire time and never said shit. The end."

The Blood Gulchers shared looks at that. Tactless though most of them might be, they knew a bomb waiting to go off after extended time with Andy.

"So, speaking of AIs," Church said, changing the subject. "Where is everyone? Did they get Maine?"

"Who?" Grif asked.

"The guy the Meta was controlling," Church specified.

"That was a person? I thought it was just some kind of hulked-out robot," Grif remarked.

"Yeah, we're not sure if it was you or him or what, but he threw off all the Freelancers before you left. Then he just...froze up?" Simmons explained.

"I set the armor system to lock down and sedate him. That man needs a lot of help after all the bullshit Sigma put him through," Church said. "Speaking of whom...?"

"They managed to get all the AIs in a containment unit just before that," Tucker explained.

"Good. You know, at this point, I would love to wrap up this Freelancer bullshit and just focus on the literal fantasy world we're in," Church said with a head shake.

"Agreed. I've been wanting to hunt a unicorn!" Sarge said, getting odd looks. "What? Horse makes for good eating."

"Sarge, you can't eat a horse!" Donut countered.

"Nonsense! Why would a horse be made of meat if it wasn't meant to be eaten?" Sarge retorted.

"I'm with Sarge on this one," Grif agreed.

"But...doesn't Horse meat make you sick or something?" Tucker asked curiously.

"That's just an urban myth," Sarge dissuaded.

"It is. Horse meat is just a taboo in many places," Simmons informed.

"....Caboose, you got anything to say about all this?" Church asked in concern.

"Is it a horse or a pony? I have eaten horse, but I will not eat a pony," Caboose said bluntly.

"I.....you've eaten a horse before?" Donut asked curiously.

"Yes! Well....a Zebra is a horse, right?" Caboose asked curiously.

"How did you even....!? You know what, never mind," Grif said with a head shake.

"Not to distract from everyone else's non-digital stomach? I'm almost afraid to ask, but where are Doc and Sister?" Church questioned with some unease.

"Doc is testing the limit of an injured Freelancer's patience," Tucker answered with a chuckle.

Church tilted his head at them all.

"That very mean Carol woman got hurt before our new friend-enemy decided to play sleeping statue. Now Doc is trying to be a doctor for her," Caboose answered.

"....Huh, that was almost entirely correct," Simmons decided.

"Carolina....." Church paused as he suddenly remembered something very, very important. "Fucking shitcakes."

"What is it now? Do you need to update and restart?" Grif asked expectantly.

"Nothing, just...." Church gave a suffering sigh. "I just remembered something that is going to make my life even more awkward now."

"More awkward than you being pissed with Tex and finding out you're kind of a digital dad?" Tucker asked skeptically.

"Yeah, well, let's just say that's not the weirdest relation I apparently have," Church said, dreading that conversation. "And Sister?"

Grif gave a groan. "Trying to seduce Wyoming."

"....It's the accent, isn't it?" Church based levelly. "I'm surprised you left them alone."

"I wasn’t going to, but I can tell he is physically repulsed by her," Grif said flatly.

"Like you are by any kind of hard working," Sarge insulted.

"Hey, that's not true!" Grif countered. "I'm repulsed by any kind of work at all, thank you very much."

"Unless it's scraping the last of the ice cream out of the bottom of the bucket," Simmons insulted.

"That might have been me sometimes, "Donut confessed.

"It might have been Church," Tucker said in amusement.

"Hey! The bottom of the bucket tastes the best, alright?" Church retorted.

"Yeah, if you've been an AI this whole time, why have you been able to eat?" Simmons asked curiously.

"I'm pretty sure we saw his blood-covered corpse on the rocks once," Grif reminded.

Church sighed heavily. "Yeah, that's where it gets more fucked up."

"More? Genuinely, how the hell?" Tucker asked curiously.

"Oh, they forcibly implanted me in the body of a private and I unknowingly cannibalized his mind and memory," Church answered bluntly.

Silence greeted him.

"....The fuck?" Simmons asked in shock. "I'm almost afraid to ask how THAT worked."

"Painfully and unethically. You should ask Flowers if you want the gory details," Church remarked. "Anything else to catch me up to speed on?"

The Blood Gulchers shared a look now.

"What now?" Church demanded flatly.

"Well, Velimier and the others were keeping watch around the base walls," Simmons started. "And they said they've been seeing people in the forest."

"What, are the elves back?" Church asked curiously.

"Ha! No, different kind of weird ears, son," Sarge answered in amusement.

"The very good kind in my opinion," Tucker said with an audible grin.

Church wasn't sure if he even wanted to know.