Gate 37

Restia swallowed thickly as she approached the unfinished fortress of the so-called Iron Gods. It was one thing to hear the rumors of the Empire's armies being destroyed so effortlessly by so few enemies; it was another to cross a field of craters with dried blood and burnt corpses that paid credence to their might.

"Anilof, have you heard of them?" Restia whispered to her companion.

Anilof nodded. "Some of them. The orange one is the Rider of their armored beasts. Up there is the Sea-Blade," she said before focusing ahead at the frontmost one. "But everyone hears of their leader, The Spear Lord."

Restia nodded. "But who is that whispering in his ear? I have not heard of a yellow one?"

Standing very close to the cobalt Spear Lord was a shorter, yellow Iron God who was whispering something to the Spear Lord.

"An advisor? Or consort perhaps?" Anilof asked, glancing around. "I don't think their Death Goddess is here."

"Perhaps she is. I heard she is invisible until she strikes," Restia said, eyes glancing around. "I wish I knew what they were saying."

Meanwhile, Church was trying not to groan in annoyance. "What do you want, Sister?"

"Come on, just hear me out!" Sister insisted pleadingly

"Fine, what do you want?" Church asked in resignation.

"Bad idea," Grif said, Wyoming nodding in agreement.

"Look, you're an AI, right?" Sister asked eagerly.

"Yes, why?" Church asked levelly.

"So, can you make me some sexy pictures?" Sister requested.

"......The fuck?"  Church asked blankly.

"You know, those AI things online that you put a few words into and it makes something based on what you typed?" Sister specified.

"Please don't, we don't need visual AIDS," Simmons requested.

"I'm clean, dammit!" Sister insisted before turning to Church. "Can you do Wonder Woman riding a centaur?!

"Okay, that can be taken two very different ways!" Tucker called down, concerned but interested.

"Can you make it a Centauress? Centaurix? What's a female centaur called?" Bell asked from behind Tucker.

"Were those ever even a thing in myths?" Tucker asked.

"Shut up, all of you! I'm not even that kind of AI, so even if I wanted to, I......" Church suddenly trailed off.

"Church? Are you okay? Do we need to reboop him?" Caboose asked curiously. "Because I always wanted to-"

"Why The Fuck Do I Have AI-Art Functions!?" Church suddenly snapped to himself, making the bunny women flinch and halt their approach.

"I knew it! Now show me you digital art genie!" Sister insisted.

"No, fuck that, I'm deleting this image. Now shut up and back off, our guests have arrived," Church ordered to Sister, making whining in disappointment and moving back as the bunny women came forth until they were about six feet from him and the others. "Ready, Andy?"

"Yeah, yeah, back to playing translator," Andy said dismissively.

Restia and Anilof looked to the orb strangely as it spoke to them, before they spoke to it as well.

"Well, this will get boring fast," Grif murmured.

"You even consider installing Minesweeper on your helmet or something, lad?" Wyoming suggested.

"Right, so, the brown haired one is named Restia. She was sent here by her tribe to see if the rumors about your schmucks wrecking the Empire's armies were true, since they heard about the Empire sending another to take Alnus Hill," Andy explained.

"Alnus? What, like Anus?" Grif remarked.

"It kind of makes sense," Donut said, glancing back over his shoulder. "I mean, this is where that Gate-thing is, and it's kind of like a butt-hole to another world in that sense?"

"Forget about Buttholes! These ladies came to see if we can get work done! So, what'd they think?" Sarge asked curiously.

"I think for once, Sarge and me are on the same page," Tucker muttered in surprise. "Not on my bingo card for today."

"You guys wrecked that army before she could even get here! All she's seen are the survivors fleeing and this field of corpses. Oh, and she's heard rumors from camps she spied on," Andy reminded.

Church looked to the other, crimson-haired bunny women. "What about her?" he asked, making her stiffen. "What's her story?"

Andy continued speaking with bunny women... and then started snickering.

"I caught some of that, and I'm still afraid to ask," Church said flatly.

"Oh, Tucker is going to like this one!" Andy said in amusement, "The redhead is Anilof, and she was out here looking to get pregnant!"

"I'm sorry, what?" Grif asked in shock.

"Tell her I am more than willing to help with that!" Tucker called with a grin in his voice.

"Andy, don't you dare, and you better fucking explain," Church said pointedly.

"Right, right," Andy said with a few more chuckles, speaking a bit longer with Anilof. "So, their...species are called Bunny Warriors."

"Bit on the nose, don't you think?" Donut questioned.

"But they're more like Bunny Amazons," Andy continued. "From what I get, they're all women, so they sometimes go out to find strong mates to fuck and breed with before heading back to their tribe."

"Again, my services are available!" Tucker called down.

"Son, you already have one kid to worry about," Sarge reminded firmly.

"Yeah, and Junior could use some siblings," Tucker countered.

"I'm just going to ignore his horny ass," Andy said bluntly. "Restia found her, and they kind of just joined up to come take a look at this place."

"And that's all they want? Just to see if we're the real deal?" Church questioned, glancing at Anilof under his helm. "And make a kid?"

Andy conversed with the pair for a moment, and then he grew silent.

Without warning, both of the bunny warriors fell to their knees and pressed their heads to the dirt before the Blood Gulchers.

".....Okay, that is either really good, or really bad," Tucker said with a frown.

"I'm betting bad for them," Bell said solemnly.

"I hope they're just worshipping us," Wyoming said, speaking up at last.

"Didn't think you were the type to say that?" Doc said to the Freelancer.

"Mate, if they're not worshipping, they're probably begging," Wyoming pointed out with a frown. "And if you come all this way to beg from strangers, you're mighty desperate."

"Andy," Church prompted.

The bomb sighed heavily. "Okay, so, they're begging us to help save their people. They're being conquered by the Empire."

"Seriously?" Grif asked in surprise. "How many armies do these assholes have?"

"What, didn't look that up too?" Sarge questioned jokingly.

"Maybe they're going after them as a morale boost or something?" Simons suggested.

As they murmured among themselves, Church was silent for the longest time as he stared down at the two prostrated natives.

"Church?"

He looked over and saw that Caboose had moved up and was looking at him intently.

"We can help the bunny ladies, right?" Caboose asked hopefully.

".....Andy, tell them to get up and to wait here while we go talk. Wyoming, you stay here with Andy and keep an eye on them, "Church ordered evenly.

Andy did so, and the two stood up with uncertain expressions as Church turned and headed back into the base. The Blood Gulchers shared mixed looks with each other and glances at the bunny women before they headed in as well.

"What's the plan, varment?" Sarge called out.

"What makes you think there is a plan?" Church called back evenly.

"Really?" Donut asked in alarm. "We're just going to turn them away?

"I mean, he technically has a point....," Simmons said uneasily. "We don't HAVE to get involved."

"The fuck we don't!" Tucker yelled as he raced to catch up with them. "Church, don't fucknig tell me we're just going to leave them out to get fucked? Cause, you know, the empire's entire thing is supposed to be pillage, enslave, rape?"

"First fucking off," Church turned around to face his friend. "We know shit all if they're not as bad as the empire. For all we know, these rabbit amazons are a bunch of shit heads that castrate the guys after using them up. Just because they look cute doesn't mean they're not as shitty."

"And yeah, and? They MIGHT be fucked up too, but we know the empire definitely is," Tucker argued. "If helping these chicks takes a dump on the Empire, then all the better, right?"

"And if they turn out to be evil bitches, well, we'll just give them the same treatment as the empire!" Donut recommended.

"Yeah, you have a point there," Church agreed easily. "Which brings us to problem number two; we've got to see if Emersyn and her crew won't try to stop us."

"Why would they?" Grif asked curiously.

"They might not want us getting involved in local conflicts," Simmons remarked. 

"Then fuck'em. How often have we really cared about what Command thinks or wants?" Tucker retorted, looking to Church. "Seriously, Church? Do you NOT want to help them at all?"

"Of course I fucking do!" Church exploded as he marched up to Tucker, who leaned back in surprise. "But in case you're one-track, dick-led mind has forgotten, God has been shitting in my breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a while now! I have to juggle the shitshow that are the situations with Maine, the agents, the rest of the mess that is project freelancers, this base, and oh, least I forget: ME JUST FINDING OUT THAT I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING ALPHA AI!"

Everyone fell silent as Church finished his ranting.

"So excuse me if I'm not sure I can deal with another load of bull when I have enough shit on my plate as is," Church said flatly.

With that, he walked away.

"....Son, you kind of stepped in that," Sarge remarked to Tucker.

The teal soldier sighed. "Yeah, guess Church is still dealing with all of that."

"Church is fine," Caboose assured with an upbeat tone. "He just needs to relax and recompress."

Simmons looked at Caboose. "Don't you mean decompress?"

"What? No. He's not a zombie," Caboose denied, his tone questioning Simmon's intelligence.

"I...you know what, never mind," Simmons said, shaking his head.

"So....what are you guys going to do?" Doc asked curiously.

"We give Church a little bit to sort himself out, I guess," Tucker said with a shrug. "Worst comes to worst, we can take some jeeps and ride there ourselves."

"I'm reckoning it might be better if we take a ship. Like a gunship or one of those pellet gun ships," Sarge remarked.

"Do....do you mean the Pelican ships?" Doc questioned in confusion.

"Son, don't be stupid. Have you ever seen a pelican that looks like one of those ships?" Sarge challenged.

"Wait, pelicans are birds?" Grif asked in surprise.

"You dumbass," Simmons said with a sigh. "What did you think they were?"

"An eel, duh!" Grif countered, getting strange looks. "You know, Pelican Eels?"

"Grif, stop making up animals again," Sarge instructed gruffly.

The orange soldier gave a long-suffering sigh.

Meanwhile, Church decided that he had to talk to a certain captain. "Hey, Bits? You there?" Church called over the radio.

"What the fuck do you want? Actually, one second," Emersyn answered before her voice was further away. "It’s him. You know, the Alpha AI we are talking about? You want me to keep him waiting? I didn't think so. Alright, I'm back."

"I take it the higher-ups are still calling in after that shit I pulled, huh?" Church asked expectantly.

"Yeah, about that? A lot of them want a meeting with you," Emersyn informed flatly.

"Tell them to figure out a time they all can meet at the same time, I'm only doing this bullshit as little as I have to," Church said flatly.

"First off, I'm not your FUCKING secretary!" Emersyn said pointedly.

"But you kind of are?" Church shot back.

"Second, you do remember these are the heads of, like, most of the military, right?" Emersyn asked warily

"Yeah, I don't care. I already did two favors by delivering the Director on a silver platter AND not going full Skynet on their ass," Church reminded.

"Church, you're trying to sell that it was a favor that you did NOT become humanity's AI-nightmare enemy," Emersyn reminded flatly.

"Yes, that's what I just said," Church agreed. "And if they want to argue that, they can watch the recordings of me getting split apart. Oh, and what they did to Jimmy. Which reminds me, I need to borrow that alien later."

"Anything else, you royal asshole?" Emersyn asked flatly.

"Now that you mentioned it, there is going to be a ship heading here, don't shoot it down, please," Church requested.

"What did you do? What is on that ship?" Emersyn asked warily.

"Nothing, I just sent some spare robot bodies from one of the freelancer bases here. I mean, I could have Sarge make me another, but I like to have spares at the ready, you know?" Church explained casually.

"Right, I know all about wanting to have spare bodies to hop into if my current one gets wrecked," Emersyn retorted.

"Phrasing much?" Church asked jovially.

"Fuck you," Emersyn spat back.

"Couldn't even if I wanted to," Church answered. "Look, the real reason I called? We got some natives that showed up here, some people getting conquered by the empire. Is there going to be a hissy fit from you or the higher-ups if we go try to make some local allies while punking on the Roman wannabes some more?"

"When have I ever thrown a hissy fit?" Emersyn asked in annoyance. "And to answer? You all can do whatever you want for now."

"For now?" Church questioned.

"Church, my crew and I are stationed here to safeguard the Gate and man the prison while learning what we can about this world.  Your teams are authorized to secure and keep a foothold over there, but with all the freelancer stuff wrapping up, I don't know if that'll last."

"Right," Church said in thought. "Bits? Get me that damn meeting."

".....Please don't do anything stupid," Emersyn said with a sigh.

Church shook his head as he looked up at the gate. This magical piece of shit was what started everything. After that first army, all the secrets started coming undone. The War, the Reds and Blues, Freelancer,... himself.

He had no plan on leaving things in this world as they were. Maybe it was stupid or pointless, but that made him feel human despite being data and coding.

His radio went off again. "Church, this is Wyoming. Chap, you might want to get back here."

Church frowned. "What is it? Those bunnies try something?"

"No. You're tank just came back, and she brought a surprise," Wyoming explained vaguely.

Church resisted the urge to curse. "I'll be right there."

The cobalt trooper made his way to the gap in the wall again.

Right before the gap, he found a certain soldier standing against the wall, head in her hands ."Oh, right, you're still here," Church realized.

"Church. Er, Captain CurcH? Captain Alpha?" Bell tried uncertainly.

"Stick with Church," he answered simply. "What are you doing down here?"

"Oh, just trying to avoid the tank," Bell said with a nervous laugh. "For some reason, I didn't really believe the stories about your talking tank."

"Really, THAT was where you drew the line?" Church asked in amusement.

"It seemed like a really good line at the time!" Bell said with a sigh. "You should...probably go see her."

"Right. Just don't mention her weight, and she'll probably avoid pointing her barrel at you. Maybe," Church advised, patting Bell on the shoulders.

"....It's a fucking mad house with these people," Bell whispered to herself.

True to Wyoming's word, Church saw that Sheila had returned to the base.

"Church! It is good to see you, but I hear there was a bit of excitement while I was returning to base?" Sheila questioned.

"Hey, Sheila. Long story, and I'll get you caught up in a bit. I heard you had a surprise?" Church asked, glancing at Wyoming and Andy. "And where the hell did the bunny women go?"

"They're still here, mate," Wyoming promised.

"They're on the other side of Miss Seventy Tons here," Andy answered.

"Sixty-six tons, buster," Sheila said, pointing her barrel at the bomb.

"Sheila, don't bother, you'll just be giving him what he wants," Church said as he walked by her barrel and headed to the other side of the tank.

Indeed, Restia and Anilof were both still there and now kneeling on one knee each.

And in front of them was the surprise.

"Church, I seem to have picked up a hitchhiker," Sheila informed apologetically. "I apologize, but I was unable to tell her she could not come with me."

Church said nothing as he stared at the figure before him.

It was a young girl with long black hair wearing a black and red gothic lolita outfit.

Her red eyes shone with mischief and interest, and something more.

Her lips were quirked into a coy smile.

On her back was a giant purple axe.

And those crimson orbs seemed to shine with an unchildlike delight when her gaze fell on Church.

"Greetings, Spear Lord, Leader of the Iron Men."