Gate 38

"Alright, who the fuck are you?" Church asked pointedly.

Someone else might mistake this for just a girl, a young teen in a strange outfit. But Church was confident she was more than that. Then again, that was probably because every way his sensors looked at the axe said that it was very real and very heavy.

To be carrying it so easily, she had to have physical strength similar to Caboose.

But even beyond that, there was something else. Those red eyes were old.

He was glad he was human enough to think that.

She seemed amused by his question, or his profanity. She placed a hand over her chest in greeting. "I am Rory Mercury, an Apostle of the dark god Emroy."

Religious zealot lunatic was Church's instant thought. But given they were in a world with confirmed magic, she was probably a lot more dangerous than a fanatic with a gun. And judging by how the bunnygirls were acting around her? She was either someone important, dangerous, or both. There was a chance this was some kind of heavy hitter sent by the empire.

"Never heard of him," Church said simply. "If you're here looking for coverts, look elsewhere."

The bunny warriors looked between the two in slight terror, worried that they might be far too close to a battle between such powerful beings.

Rory narrowed her eyes, but her smile widened. "I've heard tales of Iron Men. Some even call you Iron Gods."

"Yeah, we're pretty great," Church said simply.

"Indeed," Rory agreed. "Lord Emroy very much appreciates not only the many souls you have sent to him, but your mere arrival in this world, Spear Lord."

"Is that right?" Church asked idly, but filed that away for later. "So, what do you want?"

"What an impatient one you are," Rory said with a giggle. "I was just curious. I wanted to see what kind of "gods" you really are."

"You may be disappointed," Church remarked.

Rory looked curious at that, even a bit surprised, before looking at Restia and Anilof. "They told me you were considering their plight. Have you made a decision, Lord of the Iron Men?"

Church cocked his head. "Does your god have a problem with that, tiny priestess??"

Restia and Aniof inhaled sharply while Rory kept smiling despite her slightly annoyed expression. "Quite the opposite. I'm looking forward to seeing what you can do."

The way she said it would probably sound lewd if it wasn't so alarming.

Church sighed and muttered in English. "The others are going to have a field day with this." He turned to the kneeling bunny warriors and switched back to the empire's language. "We will help you against the Empire."

Both of them gasped sharply before they threw themselves at his feet.

"Thank you, Spear Lord!"

"We are forever grateful, Iron King!"

"Stop that, and get up!" Church snapped, making them quickly leap to their feet with terrified expressions. He sighed. "We will be heading out tomorrow. We're going to need you to guide us to your village."

Restia nodded. "Of course, Spear Lord. Any use you might have for us, we will obey."

He could see the double meaning in that, but didn't comment on it. Instead, he addressed another issue. "By the way, if you're trying to trick us?"

He meaningfully glanced out to the battlefield and the burnt corpses.

Anilof swallowed nervously, the implication clear to them.

"And as for-" Church paused as he looked to see that Rory was missing. "Where did she go?"

"Hey, careful with me, ya creepy lolita reject!" Andy called out.

Church turned to see Rory casually and effortlessly holding up Andy, studying him with great interest. "Now what manner of creature is this orb? It's rude, heavy, and yet can speak our tongues." 

"That's Andy. He's our translator. He's also....a weapon," Church explained, not having a word to explain this. Romans didn't have bombs, but their Empire had magic.

"A weapon?" Rory asked curiously, holding Andy up to her face.

"The Wise Orb is also a weapon?" Restia asked in dread.

"Yay, I can burst into a fireball that could destroy all of ya!" Andy boasted proudly.

"Oh?" Rory said with a smile. "Your magic orb also explodes?"

If he had the capacity, Andy might have blinked or begun to sweat at the look Rory was giving him.

Church, meanwhile, just added the Sadarean word for "explode" to his database. "Yeah, so, don't drop him. It'd be annoying to replace him."

"Oh, fuck you too, Spear Lord!" Andy shot back. "You're just saying that because you know it won't take you out."

Restia and Anilof only looked more fearful.

Rory just laughed. "I think I will enjoy traveling with you, Spear Lord."

Church sighed, pretty sure that he didn't have a choice. "Where the fuck did Wymoning fuck off to?"

Meanwhile

"....Bunnygirls? Really?" Washington asked incredulously.

"Trust me, mate, I had the same reaction. Turns out they're bloody amazons to boot!" Wymoning retorted.

"Great. So, the Alpha is taking the idiots out to help some poor natives because they find them cute," Carolina summarized flatly. "Why do we care?"

Wymoning shrugged. "Just thought I'd keep my fellow former Freelancers in the Loop. Maybe try and tag along to vent some stress?"

"I'd rather not be any closer to the Alpha than I need to be right now," Carolina remarked coldly.

Wyoming looked from the brooding Carolina to Washington, who was giving him a subtle headshake to not press it. "Does this have anything to do with the Alpha being based on the Director?"

Silence came over the three for a moment.

"You knew...?!" Washington asked in disbelief. "How?"

"Garry told me!" Wyoming answered honestly. 

"And you believed him?" Carolina asked skeptically.

"Of course! I always know when that cheeky pickle is telling the truth!" Wymoning said proudly. "Besides, it wasn't really that surprising. The Director struck me as the kind of bloke who would want the Freelancer AI based on himself."

"Granted," Carolina remarked, choosing not to mention the other reason.

"Right, so....." Washington trailed off while looking for something to change the subject. He blinked as he found it. "Is... is that a catgirl?"

The other two followed her line of sight to see Church with a girl following behind him in a very interesting outfit.

"No, mate, I think that's just part of her....what even is that? A gothic maid outfit?" Wyoming asked uncertainly.

"You both just ignoring the giant axe on her back?" Carolina asked idly.

"I'm choosing not to think about it, love," Wyoming remarked.

"Same," Washington admitted. "Would it be creepy to make a bet on her not being a kid?"

"Only out of context, Wash," Carolina said, having a similar feeling.

Meanwhile

Church could feel the judging stares of the Reds and Blues as they looked at him and Rory.

".....Church, I'm not one to shame for taste, but....." Tucker said warily.

"Finish that sentence, and I'll make you wish Tex was here to beat you up," Church warned dangerously.

"Yeah, is anyone else realizing she's holding Andy? On her own? Like it's easy?" Grif asked as he eyed the newcomer cautiously.

Church sighed before gesturing to Rory, who was muttering and glaring at Andy. Said bomb was answering back to her in Sandarean in what sounded like his usual, unhelpful manner.

"Guys, this is Rory. She says she's an Apostle to a God named Emroy. Whatever that means," Church explained. "And she's going to be tagging along with us."

"Question? How...accepting is her religion?" Donut asked curiously, and was pointedly ignored.

"And we're letting her...why?" Simmons asked curiously.

"You want to argue with the giant battle axe?" Church offered.

"Son, I will take your word that's real," Sarge said with a head tilt. "But what is she supposed to be? Is she human? Dwarf? Vampire?"

"You know about dwarves, sir?" Simmons asked in surprise.

"I've read up on a few things since this whole gate thing started," Sarge waved off. "O'Malley and me made several fire-based plans for any giant bug problems we run into."

"Sarge, I'm stealing one of those plans if we run into giant snakes," Grif warned flatly with a shiver.

"Huh. Good question," Church said before changing languages as he looked at Rory. "I never asked. Are you human?"

Rory blinked and smiled. "I'm a demigod."

Church blinked. "...Andy, did I translate that right?"

"Yeah, this crazy head just called herself a demigod," Andy remarked with a chuckle, Rory glaring at him despite not understanding.

"Demigod? Really? Her?" Tucker asked, both skeptical and disappointed. Rory glared at him suspiciously, making him flinch back. "Can...she understand me?"

"Allegedly no," Church answered with a dubious tone. "We'll put a pin in that. Point is, the bunny girls seem very...respectful of her. Like, how they were with us."

"So they at least think she's a big deal," Grif mused.

"So, yeah, we're going to kick Empire ass, and she's coming with us so we can keep an eye on her," Church explained.

Rory cocked an eyebrow as Andy translated that for her. "Oh? You want to keep an eye on me?" she asked, finger to her chin.

Church pointedly didn't look at her.

"I don't know if I like the way she's looking at Church," Donut mused uncomfortably.

Everyone turned silent as Caboose suddenly stepped forward, unusually quiet. Then, in a more typical Caboose style, he stuck out his hand to Rory, who blinked in surprise. "Hello! My name is Caboose! It is nice to meet you!"

Rory blinked in surprise at the appendage for a moment before conversing with Andy.

"What's that about?" Simmons asked Church.

Church paused as he heard what was said between Andy and Rory. "Yeah, nobody shakes hands with any locals. Apparently, that's like proposing, I think?"

"Dully noted," Tucker said, filing that away for all the right and wrong reasons.

Caboose, however, ignored them and waited patiently.

Rory smiled in understanding. "Ahh, so this is a greeting among your people," Rory mused to herself as she adjusted to hold Andy with one hand.

"Okay, now she's just showing off," Simmons said in surprise.

Rory reached out to shake Caboose's hand. Everyone waited in baited breath, half surprised Caboose didn't accidentally crush her hand.

Rory inhaled sharply, her smile widening a bit. Her eyes landed on Caboose's hand, interlocked with her own, and slowly drifted up to his visor. "It's a pleasure, Cab Ooze."

"You too!" Caboose answered despite not knowing what she was saying.

"....I REALLY don't like the way she's looking at Caboose!" Tucker whispered in genuine concern.

Church eyed the exchange warily, but didn't have time to comment.

"Church?"

Church looked up for a moment as he heard the voice on the radio. "Zimmerman? What's up?"

The group glanced over curiously, especially Rory, who wondered who Church was talking to.

"The captain gave me a call. Said she got that meeting you wanted?" Zimmerman answered uncertainly.

"Damn. She really is a good secretary," Church said in amusement. "I'll be there in a moment."

Rory tilted her head. "Who is he talking to?"

"Look, I'll explain later, you chipmunk," Andy warned.

"I am not afraid to make you explode," Rory informed with a warning smirk.

"Trust me, tinygoddess, you don't want what I'm packing," Andy challenged.

"Enough, you two," Church said sternly. "If Andy bothers you too much, just hand him to Caboose."

Rory pouted. "I do not need scolding. I was just humoring his provocation."

"Yeah, I don't trust that yet," Church said before addressing the Blood Gulchers. "People, I've got to go to a meeting real quick. Get a pelican and everything ready. If I'm not back in five hours, take the bunnygirls and head out without me."

"Why wouldn’t you be back?" Tucker asked skeptically.

"There is a non-zero chance they're going to try to capture me, and there is a non-zero chance they will succeed," Church informed matter-of-factly.

"And you're not going to ask us to bust you out?" Grif asked curiously.

"Nah, I got this," Church waved off. "Just worry about the ...."

"Son, you okay? You buffering?" Sarge asked with a head tilt.

"Yeah, yeah. Side project? All of you decide while I'm gone what word for "group of bunnies" we want to use for them: colony, herd, nest, or warren?" Church said before he turned to leave.

Rory blinked as the so-called Iron Gods suddenly descended into a rather intense discussion of an unknown subject.

"You might want to sit down, this may be a while," Andy warned her.

Church smirked to himself as he moved some distance away. "Lopez, stretch your legs for a minute while I go talk with the bigwigs."

The robot's body jerked back and forth as Church left his systems. "Gracias por no dejarme en medio de esa locura(Thank you for not leaving me in the middle of that madness)," Lopez said, more to himself as the Church was already gone.

Meanwhile

Emersyn waited patiently in a meeting room. She was the only one physically in it, a number of screens around the room facing a hologram table in the center. All of them were blacked out in the shadows.

Suddenly, there was a ping as a light on the hologram flashed. A robotic and vaguely female voice rang out. "Alert, AI intrusion detected. Attempting capture n-"

A cyber war was fought and lost in an instant as static erupted on every screen. With that, the hologram of Church appeared on the table. "Yeah, that was cute and all, but no," Church said in mild annoyance.

Murmuring and cursing spread among the people on the screens.

"I told you all this was a bad idea," Emersyn said with a sigh.

"And seriously, what's with the Illuminati shit? You're all the fucknig heads of the military, most of you are public knowledge!" Church rambled. "Let me guess, was this Margy's idea? Had to at least try to see if you could corral the big bad AI?"

"Careful, Alpha," an older woman retorted firmly. "We are not above launching an EMP on that entire planet."

"And I am not above turning ONI's firewall into papier-mache. Or, you know, just uploading it with half the porn on the net," Church countered. 

"If I may speak?" a smooth voice spoke up as one of the screens flickered to show a bald man. "I am Malcolm Hargrove. But I imagine you already are aware of that."

"CEO of Charon Industries and Chairman of the subcommittee that was looking into Project Freelancer," Church answered. "Kind of shady but surprisingly not an evil businessman."

"I shall take that as a compliment," Hargrove said diplomatically. "I apologize for the overzealous reaction of SOME members of this group."

"It's fine, I get it. War just ended, you don't want to deal with the robot uprising," Church waved off. "And since we got that out of the way, I'll be the polite one and say thank you all for coming to this meeting."

"Quite the contrary, Alpha, we were desiring much the same," Hargrove remarked, gesturing to the other screens. "I've been asked to take point in these talks with you, given my role in investigating Freelancer."

"That and a lot of you don't want to be mentioned in this meeting," Church mused knowingly. "Right, so, I know what I want to talk about. Should I start, or do you have anything to ask first?"

"I believe we will have many of our concerns and questions answered by listening, Alpha. So please, do begin," Hargrove offered.

Church looked up at the assortment of screens. "Obviously, you want to cover up what Project Freelancer was doing. Not about me, so much as lying to soldiers, faking a civil war, and outright treason. Oh, right, and someone owes Hargrove a new building."

A few chuckles were shared at that.  Hargrove nodded. "Yes, the Director's experiments- if they can even be called that- will require several new laws and rules about handling smart AIs. We obviously don't want a repeat of this to ever occur within our ranks."

AKA, they didn't want anyone to tempt fate by driving a Smart AI into genuine insanity. "Similarly, you all want to keep the Gate on a need-to-know basis," Church continued.

"That would be correct," Hargrove answered. "We have enough to worry about with solidifying peace between us and the covenant. Adding what appears to be a mystical gate to a world of magic? We are intrigued, yes, but we would rather investigate this without it becoming public knowledge for the time being."

"And that's where my sales pitch comes in," Church said boldly. "You're considering removing the Reds and Blues from Blood Gulch to have more standard soldiers deal with it. Not surprising, but a better idea? Let us handle this."

At Church's pause, Hargrove cocked an eyebrow. "Is that your sales pitch, Alpha?"

"It's the short version," Church answered bluntly. "Think about it. You need man-power and equipment to manage this. It's a primitive world, yes, but these fuckers have magic and who knows what else. Trouble is, keeping this a secret would be pretty damn hard if anyone noticed the flow of soldiers and equipment. If only there were a project that had a large stockpile of slightly outdated equipment."

There were murmurs of interest and agreement, and Church knew he had gotten their attention.

"That is an excellent plan for how to deal with the equipment issue, but I'm not sure I'm convinced on the use of the simulation troopers," Hargrove said with interest.

"You all have read the report of how the rest of these 'simulation troopers' and I slaughtered entire armies, right?" Church asked, glancing around. "Legitimately, you all know of that shit, right? Cause I know most of us probably would have been more stuck on the magic gate thing."

"We are well aware of what your team did, Alpha."

Church paused as he looked up at the older male voice coming from one of the monitors. "Was wondering if you'd speak up, Lord Hood," Church said carefully. "Full honesty? I'm trying to throw everyone a bone with this."

When Lord Hood did not speak again, Hargrove continued. "How so?" he prompted.

Church sighed heavily. "Look, you all know the deal. I'm based on the Director. And yeah, he fucked me up in the worst ways possible. And as much as I fucking hate to say it.... I feel like I should at least try to clean up some of his mess and everyone else he fucked over."

No one said anything, but he could tell they were listening intently.

"My fragments? I don't know what to do with them yet, but that's for me to figure out. Leaving them on this planet means I can keep track of them pretty easily and manage them. Omega and Tex are the only ones that can jump around freely and, well, I can handle them," Church started flatly.

"You believe you can...salvage? Rehabilitate them?" Hargrove clarified.

"I believe I'm going to try. It's new ground, no one has seen this shit before. So, if shit like this ever happens again, people will know how to handle it better," Church said simply. "And if worst comes to worst, I'll delete them myself."

"Would you really?" Hargrove asked with a frown.

"If Agent Maine had died, trust me, Sigma wouldn't be here," Church answered before sighing. "On that note? The Freelancer Agents are a mixed bag of people who committed many crimes because they were manipulated, didn't care, or were too mentally fucked over to notice. So.....dump them on me. Call it a...punitive service. They help with this while we collectively weed through the bad apples and help patch up ones like Washington and Maine."

"And you believe a secret operation like this is the best place to help deal with the sociological wounds?" Hargrove asked skeptically.

"I think it's better than the alternatives I know some of you are thinking of," Church said pointedly. "Onto my next point. The rest of the Simulation Troopers."

"What about them?" Hargrove asked with interest.

"You have two armies worth of soldiers that believed for the longest time they were in a civil war after they signed up for the Great War," Church said flatly. "Now, even IF you managed to keep all of them silent and not reveal THAT clusterfuck to the public? There is the issue of compensating them, and if you made them disappear? You’d still have to try and explain why they’re families aren’t being covered. Because again, they've supposedly been soldiers for years, but I doubt Freelancer actually got them the full retirement package. So comes the scandal of how to compensate them for those years lost?"

Hargrove hummed. "You propose we fold them into the army formally as a task force to help you handle this mission?"

"Well, not ALL of them," Church clarified. "Give them all the option to either join up with us here or take some kind of payment, maybe some help finding employment." 

There was an amused huff from Hargrove. "Clever. Turn the problem into a solution, on multiple fronts no less."

Church tilted his head. "Thanks. So.....was there anything else? 'Cause that's all I got, and I got to go rescue some tribes from the evil empire. You know, establish ties with the locals and all that."

"You may leave, Alpha. You have given us all much to discuss," Lord Hood said evenly.

"Right. For the record? Despite what that sonuva bitch did, I prefer going by Church," he said simply. "But yeah, thanks for the meeting. Hopefully, no one tries to capture and/or kill me next time." 

With that, he began to flicker out.

And then he reappeared. "Also, if you can? Give Emersyn here a raise, she deserves it."

Emersyn sighed as Church vanished with that final word.