Happy New Year! - A Retrospection.

Hello everyone, first of all, I'd like to wish you all a Happy New Year.
I hope that it is everything that you hope for and that all of your goals and resolutions are achieved.

Onto the Retrospection:

Production concerning the comic work hasn't exactly gone well this past year. I've suffered burnout, but also mixed in were other negative emotions compounded by the fact that earnings have been so low, detracting from my motivation. It seemed to be a cyclical issue, with components of it feeding into itself.

Burnout -> Unable to rest/recover properly due to monetary concerns, which are worse than ever at this point -> Feeling defeated at the fact that effort wasn't equalling money coming in -> imposter syndrome -> further burnout -> less money
Ad infinitum.

I know that I'm the source of some, if not a majority of these problems.

I haven't been advertising (goes into the imposter syndrome territory) so less money has been coming in, and the fact that I haven't been adhering to a consistent upload schedule has hurt my brand's image and faith in my abilities and page.
But this in itself has made me reluctant to upload publicly. I always feel on the precipice of a relapse, one that hurts my image and brand integrity. It is almost as though I see advertising as a way to garner more financial stability with a newer audience, but I also see it as an opportunity to let a new audience who joins me down. Once trust is gone it is hard/ nearly impossible to recover.
So I've been holding off on advertising, and performing poorly, draining the well of goodwill that my current supporters have.

So what is one to do in this situation?

Well, break the cycle. Or at least I tried to. I got a job which got me away from the PC and away from the engines in my mind. The ideal situation being that I'd work the weekends and have time to work through comics at my leisure. It would also give me more financial security too, a major root cause of the depressive state I have been suffering from.

HOWEVER

This job didn't last, the workplace lied about the nature of the work and gave me little to no shifts (two 12 hour shifts in a single month with me badgering them for more work). I was earning less than I was just purely on Patreon. So this left me up the proverbial shit creek minus a paddle.
I have since quit that job (as I couldn't be self employed through Patreon and work there) and have since applied to over 180 jobs in the wider area of where I live. Out of all of the applications I heard back from maybe 15-30 saying that I was ineligible for the applied roles.

I have felt utterly defeated by this, and it was this feeling that I almost acted upon this Christmas. That's why I've been taking it easy, and keeping it quiet. It's been more of a self intervention.

My mindset was that I didn't want my father to financially suffer anymore due to me being unable to source work and being a burden. I'm trapped. I really don't know what to do. I'm unhirable, there are no jobs in the field for which I studied, there's not even a single menial job that I slipped into in the past to make some money such as factory or janitorial work. The job market has dried up in the Podunk area I live in and it'll be only be getting worse, as all the Christmas hires shall be losing their jobs after the holiday rush and flooding the job market again. To put a cherry on tip of this in April the UK is having a tax increase on businesses, meaning that many shall be downsizing and closing, product costs shall rise. And oh, did I mention water and electricity bills are also increasing for everyone? it is looking bleak.

I know people reading this are probably thinking that "Oh well, pull yourself up by the bootstraps, now isn't the time to go slow, you need to get work done!" I sat at this PC for over 2400 hours this past year in Koikatsu alone (not including Photoshop) and earned a rough total of £5700...
I know my production has been slow, and maybe the time not used as efficiently as it could be with all of the composition work, re-editing and overthinking, but can you imagine putting in 46+ hour weeks for a year and getting £5700 as your yearly wage? Especially when the national minimum wage in the UK is over £20000 per annum for 38 hour weeks? You'd be pretty crestfallen too.

I'm also not e-begging or trying to guilt anyone or feel sorry for me. I've always believed in working for what you earn, but it has barely gotten me anywhere at the moment it seems. Perhaps I've been approaching things the wrong way?

So what does this mean?

BREAK THE CYCLE... In a different way. I think I need to spend less time at the PC and focus on other things. I enjoy the comics, but my mind is tearing itself in half, one half saying "GET ON WITH MORE WORK" and the other "YOU'RE KILLING YOURSELF FOR A WAGE THAT IS BEYOND POOR". I can never really rest due to it. I feel guilt for not working, with it always tugging me back to my desk. It isn't particularly rewarding either, returning to my station, not in the financial sense mind you, as I'm very money motivated.

I am trying to be more mindful to help me break my negative cycles, however. I'm beginning to foster and integrate some better habits and sort my chaotic mess of a life out. If things don't improve then I'll be royally fucked very soon, alongside my father. Stakes are high, so my endeavour to improve must match the stakes.

So, coming up is some more work I'll get it to everyone on the 10th of the month. I've been working on Icarue's Bimbo Quest (slowly) and a Christmas piece of my own, of which I shall upload a teaser.

Sorry to start 2025 on a bit of a bummer, yet this does have a hopeful note.
As supporters I want to show you the respect you deserve by keeping you privy to what transpires both on the face of, and behind the scenes of my page.

Thanks for your support and patience. Speak to you all soon, I'll reply to any personal messages here and on Discord tomorrow.