Chapter 81

Blackness.

…….

I am groggy.

…….

Pain. No Stiffness.

My head feels like it is full of cotton wool.

My eyes feel like they are welded shut.

I begin to become more aware. I have been through this before. I think.

Yes, I have. I know this.

Several times.

I listen to my surroundings.

Then the memories sweep back in like a flood.

I remember the whole thing. The fighting, pain and that voice.

My body tells me that I have survived. Again.

Emotions flood through me. I have to deal with what has happened to me. There is a lump in my throat and my chest starts to heave. I am feeling too much too fast and I am unable to process it all. I begin to cry as the emotions within me are overwhelming. Now I know I suffer from anger management issues, but on the whole and considered rather stoic. The emotional flood I am experiencing at the moment it’s like nothing I’ve ever known or experienced. I don’t know how to handle it.

My emotions are triggering a physical reaction to them and I have no idea how to control it. Relief, happiness, anger and frustration are just some of the things I’m feeling.

The tears from my eyes have allowed me now to open them. I look around, blinking away what few tears are still there and see that I am in a medical ward. Sadly, I recognise the ward instantly as the UK Zone Commands’ base medical facility. The room is dark but I can make out all the significant features usually found in them. I’ve spent far too long here due to my injuries.

Frustration ranges through me as part of me rebels against the fact that I’m here again and will be going through the cycle again of healing, training and then back into action. As it subsides, another feeling of immense tiredness takes hold of me. I’m so tired of this, the injuries, pain and fear.

I look around the room, becoming increasingly depressed at the sight. I realise that something has changed within me and that the voice of my conscience that drives me forward to always step up is quiet. It was always in the back of my mind pushing me forward but no more.

I realise that I am done.

I can’t do this anymore.

The door to the room suddenly opens and a nurse hurries in. I don’t know her and she seems surprised to find me looking at her. I’m squinting due to the sudden flood of artificial light. It hurts my eyes due to the brightness.

“Oh, you’re awake.”

I try to ask for water, but all I get is a croak from my throat as it is even drier than I expected. The claim takes a moment to understand what I’m trying to say, but then she realises.

“Water, of course.”

She quickly supplies me some, lifting my head and I drink greedily through the straw. I do not like the taste of water, but the cool liquid is pure heaven as it slides down my throat.

She gently places it back down and I feel as strong as a one-day-old kitten.

“I will get the doctor. Don’t worry. Back in a few minutes.”

She quickly vacates the room leaving the door open and I realise it is either late evening or early morning. No sunlight is coming through the window curtains and the corridors lights shine brightly into the room. Thankfully not into my eyes as they are a bit sensitive at the moment. My head is getting more apparent by the minute; thinking is becoming far easier and more coordinated.

I continue to look around and mentally take stock of my situation. The emotions I’m feeling are still present. Looking to my right, my eye can see several monitors which are recording/displaying my vitals. I’ve been in this medical ward enough to know what my vitals should look like. I see the ones on the monitors are clearly above what they should be. That’s properly what alerted the nurse to come and check on me in the first place.

As promised, she reappears with a doctor again whom I do not recognise. They spent several minutes fussing over me, taking my vitals and asking questions. I choose not to answer them as I am in no mood. They quickly however seem to be happy with what few responses I’ve given them and my vitals and decide to leave me alone to recover more.

“John, it is early morning and we will give you a little more time to rest.” He puts a call button into my hand. “Don’t be afraid to use it if you need us.”

I just nod. They seem happy again with this and then leave me. The doors closed and I am cast into mostly darkness in the room—a little light leaks under the doorway and even less through the window curtains.

The emotional storm within me had stayed down for the moment but was still there, threatening in the back of my head and chest. Now I’m thinking again. I take a few moments just to focus on myself. As I can’t do much more in my present condition, I just lay there breathing in and out. I know this breathing exercise that will help get my body and hopefully, mind under control.

I think I lay there for; I don’t know how long, definitely longer than 10 minutes. My heart rate slows as I calm down emotionally. I slowly stretch out my body as the stiffness in the joints tells me I’ve not moved in quite some time. As it appears my injuries have healed, I think I’ve been in a coma again. I can’t feel any bandages or significant pain anywhere across my body when I move. So, this is the only reason I can think of, as injuries have ensured that I know of their existence in the past.

As I was lying there, I noticed something…. odd.

I try to understand what I’m feeling. Is my body different?

No, it can’t be and yet.

I’ve been through this several times now in my life. Bad injury long period of healing while unconscious/coma and then waking up to a weakened body. But now I feel different……

I can’t explain it. It is like I had been asleep, but only for an extended period, like having a long lie-in after working like mad for a week. I feel I have to get up and just walk out. From what I’ve been through in the past, this is strange.

Again, frustration surges within me, this time with a heavy dose of confusion. How long have I been unconscious?

Not just looking but listening, I also notice that I can hear far more background noise than expected. These rooms are padded to allow people to rest and not be disturbed. But I can hear helicopters and planes in the distance, much louder than I was expecting at this time in the morning than the doctor indicated it was. I can also vaguely make out people moving in the corridor outside the room. This was odd because I’d never been able to do that before.

“Fuck it!”

I got up and sat on the bed edge. I reached down and pulled the blanket off me. My right arm was a wireless monitor feeding my vitals to the displays along with an IV drip. I looked over my body and found I was in a medical gown. Pulling it back slightly, I looked at my right leg and found a new scar where I had been wounded. The injury was completely healed.

I took a moment expecting a wave of dizziness and fatigue. They never came. This was getting stranger by the moment.

I had noticed the tube connecting my dick to a bag at the side of my bed. I knew from experience that this was a catheter bag. I began taking several deep breaths, psyching myself up.

“Okay, John. You can do this. You can do this.”

I removed the catheter tube.

There are things in life that should never happen to a man and having a tube inserted up his penis is one of them. Removing it was an experience I did not like at all!

Once it is out, I let out a deep sigh of relief. Then remove the drip.

I look around the room and decide on my next course of action. I stand up. Again, the wave of dizziness and fatigue I was expecting did not come. Actually, my body is stiff and sore, but that’s from more inaction than being in a medical coma. The last time I was injured this badly, I could stand without help for almost a week.

This is confusing me.

I start to walk over to the toilet door that every room has. I take slow, careful steps leaning on the bed for support. At first, I am hesitant on my feet, but with every step, I slowly get stronger and more confident.

I reached the door and opened it, stepping inside the tiny toilet. A mirror is on the wall, so I turn to face it. I looked around and switched on the light.

Light. Pain.

It was so sudden and painful that I staggered for a few seconds.

“Fuck!...Argh……….What the hell?” I cried out.

What idiot put such a powerful light bulb in the room? I blinked my eyes rapidly, clearing the tears that were in them. It took me several seconds to get used to such a bright light. I could not look up at the light as it was too painful. What was the damn wattage of that bulb?

Right back to the mirror.

I leaned in closer, putting my weight in the sink to have a good look at my face. I had stubble a few days’ worth, at least. I had been shaved while unconscious then; that was normal. I was a little gaunt, but not that much. I removed the gown I was wearing. I have a wireless monitor on my arm that I leave on as I do not want the nurse back.

I looked over my body and was even more confused. I had lost muscle mass. This was obvious, but not as much as I had last time. I had a new set of scars on the left side where that thing’s claws had ripped into me. My right arm also had new scars that matched where the claws had punched through my arm. I had to even a few faint ones in my hairline where it had cut through my helmet.

My issue with all of them was that they were completely healed. Looking closely at my other scars, I noticed that many were all slightly… faded? The more serious ones were still there, but the lesser ones were different.

I have no answers for these changes. Looking at myself in the mirror, I cannot help but wonder why I felt so different. It is not a bad difference, just not what I was. I found it hard to explain even to myself. I was in my body. How would I explain it to anyone else? This is so confusing.

I do not like being confused and it does not improve my mood one bit. I put the gown on again and switched off the light. My eyes quickly adjust again to the darkened room and seem grateful for the lack of light bombarding them.

Standing in the darkened room, I can still hear the sounds of aircraft and vehicles moving outside. I can just make out the murmur of conversation from where I think the nurse’s station would be in the corridor.

Something had been nagging at the back of my mind since I woke. It had not occurred to me at first, just been a nagging thought in the back of my mind that I could not pin down but listening to the murmurs outside, it came to me as I was walking to the bed.

I hadn’t dreamt of the voice.

Her voice.

The voice almost broke me with power. Not because it was loud but in how she said it, the vibrations caused around her as she spoke.

As I crawled back into bed, I wondered what this all meant.

A large part of me didn’t care anymore. I was done.

But the fearful part of me wondered what I would find now that I was awake again.