Chapter 87

They released me from the medical ward a few days later and sent me home. My mother was happy to see me and have me back in the house but I noticed there was an undercurrent of something bothering her. I had pressed on my suspicions but she had deflected in the conversation to other matters. I had not pushed too hard as I was dealing with my own issues at this time with the disclosure of my mutations still not resolved in my mind. I cut myself off and withdrew from the world as I try to make sense of what I now knew.

Time had passed like it always does and August soon appeared. Over the last few months, I had been training extensively not to get myself into fighting condition but to see the extent of how my body changed. The result of course was being catalogued when I was in my physical therapy session. This was in addition to the other tests I was regularly subjected to. They had declared me physically ready for operations but had not put me back on the active roster.

The results were undeniable. Across the board, my physical stats were higher than they were when last recorded last year now that I recovered from injuries. I was stronger, faster and was able to keep on going for longer. If I didn’t know the reasons why I would be over the moon with my physical improvements but knowing that was the thing.

“John, have you finished?”

I heard my mother’s voice from outside my converted gym in our house. I just finished using the rowing machine and it normally helps me focus and calm my mind but not with all the issues rolling around in it were nowhere near resolved.

“Yeah, just done.”

She opened the door slightly and put her head in to see what condition I was in. When she saw I was fair just finishing up on the rowing machine she stepped into the room fully. Looking at her, I realise we were in for a “conversation”.

I sighed but she seemed to ignore that.

“John, I had been thinking about what you said a few months back about quitting being a zone operative.”

Here we go.

“I’ve already told the people at the command that I am not going back into any zones and I am quitting.”

“Yes, you told me. The thing is I’ve been thinking and I’ve come to realise that you should stay on.”

I sat there on the machine for a few seconds stunned at this coming from my mother. But that didn’t last long.

“Are you fucking kidding me!”

“I know it’s odd but….”

“For years you’ve been hounding and nagging me! John is too dangerous! John, I don’t want you to die! John, I don’t want to be alone! Fucking years! Now suddenly out of the blue, you think it’s a good idea that I stay on being a zone operative!”

“I know it’s just ….”

“Seriously woman you telling me after all the grief you give me that you think it’s okay just to tell me to continue as I was!” I got up from the machine I was now pacing the room my temper on full display.

“The thing is…”

“Christ’s sake! What are you…..”

“I WAS WRONG!” She yelled at me.

That stopped me in my tracks, it’s not often you hear someone say that. I took my full attention to my mother as I was trying to figure out what was going on. She was up against the wall shaking with emotion.

“I know now that I was wrong. God how I wish I wasn’t but I was. The zones John I never realised they could get this bad. As your mother, I was horrified by the things we were putting you through and the injuries you are taking. I didn’t want to lose you like I did the sisters. I didn’t want to be alone. But now. Now I understand.” She wrapped her arms around herself as she spoke.

“What happened?” I asked her knowing that something like this would not come out over the blue normally.

“They’ve just announced that they’re instituting national rationing of all energy, food and consumables.”

“Ok.” Shit things had finally reached the tipping point it seems. They would only do this if the national supply chains were in crisis.

“Since injuries last year, things are just me getting worse. Day after day more and more was being lost. I realise you are right and that you hated it but you had to do it. I took your advice and pay more attention to what was not being said and I realise just how bad it is out there.”

She falls silent her eyes going distant thinking about the things she is now come to know and more of what she has seen. I stand there a bit lost just looking at her and reflecting on what she said.

I can hide the fact now for myself. Things were spiralling fast and whatever in the endgame we are facing was fast approaching. I turn from her to look out the window at the clear and sunny summer’s day. I could see children playing whatever games they were engrossed in. The simple joy in the laughter I can see on their faces even though I barely hear them. I wondered how long it would last.

God, I was so tired.

Not tired physically or even mentally but somewhere inside me was beaten and worn down. I couldn’t really explain it but I knew it.

But standing there looking out the window at the children in the sun just loving their lives and not really understanding why. I felt it in the back of my mind and in my chest. The voice that has always driven me on that been so subdued and quiet was stirring. Maybe it was my conscience talking to me. Maybe it was something else. I never really quantified what it was but it was just there pushing me on. It hides a lot behind my rage but thinking back it was always there. Every time I faced terrible wards and death it was there driving on.

It was whispering I had to go back. Back into the zones to face what was there not for glory, not for fame but for those children out there. So, they did need to I could continue just being kids in the summer sun. Now that I had acknowledged it I could feel it welling up inside me slowly clawing back the control it once had.

At that moment looking out the window I had a revelation. I hated it. I hated it not because of what it meant I had to do or what it put me through but because I knew it was right. It always drove me on because it was the right thing to do. And in this revelation, I knew that it would be the death of me.

My mother stayed quiet behind me just watching. She knew I think the internal struggle I was going through and whatever decision I took, the cost. She knew what she was asking but she clearly felt it needed to be asked.

I still looked out the window I knew I had to come to a decision. I still did not want to go back and face it all again. I thought about Henry and what had cost him. I thought that all the others I knew that had died in service or been badly wounded. Over the years it has become quite a list.

I saw their faces in my mind remembering the good and bad times. I also remembered those ends that had been seen with my own eyes. People spoke of glorious or noble deaths but those who have seen those ends know a terrible truth. You only find pain and fear in those deaths.

I didn’t want that end. I didn’t want to die like that facing whatever horror the zones have thrown at me. But. There is always a but isn’t there and with me, it was that damned part of me that kept pushing me on. I just wanted the scream in frustration and rage.

I finally release the breath I had not realised I was holding. I knew what I was going to do. God, I wish I didn’t.

In some ways, I felt lighter in others heavier. I could really explain it the conflicting emotions flowed through me but somehow it felt right. I was still tired but somehow energised as well. I turned to my mother and she understood as she began to tear up.

“You know how this is going to end.” It wasn’t a question I asked but a statement of fact.

“Yes.” She slumped even as she stood, I could see that she understood. There will be no fairy tale ending here and she on some level had now accepted that as well.

“I will make the call later.”

“Okay.”

We stood there quiet for a few moments just thinking and reflecting. Suddenly she crosses the room and wrapped her arms around me which takes me by surprise. She knows I don’t like a lot of physical contact with people I feel that she needs to do this and let it happen. I put my own arms around her and I feel her start sobbing into my chest. I knew then that she understood what she had asked me to do and had fully embraced the ultimate cost.

I could really pin down my own emotions at this moment.

I was focused and determined.

I was afraid and scared.

These and many more cycled through me. The logical part of me dislikes such rampant emotions and to be honest I was not used to feeling them in such a manner. My emotions were somehow more distant. No that was not the right description. There was always a separation between me and my emotions. Often, I would feel not actually understand what I was feeling. But now they flow through me.

“I will make sure that everything is sorted in case.” We both knew in case of what it did need to be said. She did answer but just nodded her face buried in my chest. She stood there for a few more minutes and eventually let go, leaving the room closing the door and not looking back.

I did hold that against knowing that she would have to face her own emotions and that I would be a very poor support in that. I turned back to the window looking out at the children still playing.

Looking at them I felt my determination become harder and more focused. I was living in dark days I knew that harder ones were ahead.