LNOEW: Chapter 75
Added 2025-06-25 17:02:04 +0000 UTC“Must be nice, getting to avoid an airport when
Comments
Love it, it also lines up with a lot of the move evolutions they started adding. Almost like saying a Diancie is literally just a Carbink diamondized and if they can make diamonds they can make themselves into a diamond.
Sean
2025-08-23 22:15:21 +0000 UTCFirst off, thank you so much for being so invested in my story, it means a lot to hear that and to see the time and effort you've put into analyzing this. I admit, character voices are definitely one of my weak points. I'll take this feedback and see what I can do to improve upon it both before the regular release and going forward. I really appreciate constructive criticism like this and it helps me grow as an author. One thing I will note however, is the Raifort is supposed to come off as very similar to Nemona; while they might differ in morals, in methodology, they're quite similar. I will try to work on making her distinct however while still trying to highlight that similarity in how they behave.
Skyfyre
2025-07-17 22:08:07 +0000 UTCHi, new patron, long time SB lurker. I LOVE this story, you have such inspired ideas, and your implementation is always logical enough to be believable without detracting from the fantastical elements that make them unique. Your writing itself is also really good, your planning takes this a long way, which makes payoffs that much more satisfying. I do have one complaint though, regarding character voices—in that they’re near nonexistent in the story. Not for nothing, you do a good enough job having reasons for characters to be in a scene through their motivations or specific capabilities. But when everyone sounds exactly the same and reacts the same way to everything at all times, it detracts from my immersion. As a reader I want to be so engaged that I forget that the characters are just authorial mouthpieces with plot-relevant accessories. If Percy had a unique voice, I wouldn’t mind that he exists to have an adversarial opinion of trainers, but because he blends so well with everyone else, that’s the only thing that I can notice about him. Nemona thinking about Burnet and other dimensions should’ve had a more emotional impact, but her thought process is the same as when she does journey planning, and Pokémon theorizing, and also *everything else*, and I felt no investment even as she wiped tears from her eyes. AND the Raifort interlude read exactly the same as a normal Nemona chapter, even though the two of them are supposed to be diametrically opposed in morality and methodology—it felt obligatory to push the plot rather than a chance to get inside Raifort’s head. But thing that pushed me to write was Kukui. It doesn’t feel like him in the slightest. He has such a unique voice, arguably one of the most distinct in the franchise as a whole, with how bombastic and energetic and fun he is, packaged along with his intelligence as a Professor, and his love for Pokémon and Alola— Your Kukui could’ve been anyone. Could be replaced by anyone, and nothing would change. There isn’t even a single Move Pun anywhere. (“Ten Carat Hill is just a Rock Throw away!” You can have that one for free.) I hope this doesn’t come off as harsh or hating—I really am loving this story, and your ideas do make me want to check out your other work. I just want to see a good thing become great.
Kay Zero
2025-07-17 11:46:24 +0000 UTCThanks, glad you liked it! Yeah, the little necklace thing felt like an unusual design choice, so I thought it fit here to have that work with what had been the symbol of Notch's dreams for a while.
Skyfyre
2025-06-30 03:47:19 +0000 UTCWoot, hands acquired! I like how the Diancite became Notch’s diamond necklace thing, it’s a neat touch.
Parxon
2025-06-30 02:01:14 +0000 UTC
