The War on Christmas
Added 2019-11-23 21:14:17 +0000 UTC
*Setting: supermarket*
Customer 1 - Thank you very much. Have a good day!
Cashier - You too, sir. Happy holidays!
*Customer is blown back as if hit by artillery. He lies against a wall, legs blown off. Another customer runs up to him to tend him*
Customer 1 - Go! Leave me. I’m not gonna make it. Save yourself!
Customer 2 - Don’t you talk like that!
Customer 1 - I’m done. Damn this war. Damn it all to hell.
Customer 2 - It’s...it’s not that bad.
Customer 1 - Don’t blow smoke up my ass. Tell my wife I...I love her.
Customer 2 - But there’s other holidays this time of year! Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, New Year’s...it’s easier to just consolidate them when greeting people.
Customer 1 - Traitor! Let me die in peace *starts to gag*
Customer 2 - But the etymology of holiday is holy day. It’s not even secular. Christmas is a holy day. It’s accurate!
Customer 1 - Those damn snowflakes.
Customer 2 - But you’re the one who’s offended! Just don’t be offended!
Customer 1 - I...I can’t… *dying*
Customer 2 - Don’t go into the light! Whatever you do, resist going to the place you’ve been waiting to go to all your life where your pain will finally end and you will be happy forever. Resist!
Paramedic - Get back, sir. We’ll handle it from here.
Narrator - The people finally fought back against this unspeakable tyranny. Evangelicals successfully took over the government, and replaced the First Amendment with the Freedom of Religion Doctrine, making only one form of worship acceptable, exactly as the 10 Commandments intended.
*10 years later, year 2030*
Customer 1 (with prosthetic legs) - *depressed sounding* Thanks. Have a good day.
Cashier - You too, sir. Merry Christmas!
Customer 1 - Oh? Oh. Ah...you too. Merry Christmas (very depressed).
*walks out of store*
Customer 2 - Oh hey, again. What’s...what’s wrong?
Customer 1 - We’re done. We’re not having a tree this year. No presents either. We’re skipping it all.
Customer 2 - Oh… Yeah, I hear you. Same here.
Customer 1 - Without the war on Christmas, it just doesn’t feel like Christmas anymore.
