Scraps - Light of my Life

Love.

For someone as analytical as myself, it has always been the hardest concept to accept and understand. Not that I had never felt the emotion of love before, of course. I had loved my mother for caring and nurturing me, I loved my brothers even though they were idiots – because they were my idiots – and I loved my dad because… well, mostly because I was obligated too. I’ve just never been able to understand it in the usual sense people expected; the romantic side of things.

Jules was a lot to accept in my life. Not just that she saw through me as if I were nothing more than a piece of glass, although that had a lot to do with everything, seeing how being mysterious is kind of the thing I have going for me. There was more though. So much more. Such as the acceptance that I might really love someone or something beyond the normal. Beyond myself.

There was so much I had to learn. I used to think I was so smart but I was nothing but a child emotionally. It was a whole new world out there that I never expected to see or experience. Hell, I had never even considered it in the past.

Sacrifice. Failure. Compromise. Fear. Bliss. Anger. Frustration. Elation. Sadness. Triumph. Joy.

A million and one emotions and more that I never knew existed and never dreamed of in my wildest imagination filled me on a daily basis. It became the normal to be a turbulent mess where I was once a solid stone. Distraught where I had once set out perfect plans, frantic where I once had known nothing but calculated perfection.

I was a fucking mess and I absolutely loved it.

That was the thing that I really learned about Jules and what I learned about love and life in general: it was messy. Life didn’t always let you get your ducks in a row. It rarely cared for your personal law and order. It could really give two fucks about how clean you just got all of that because all of that was about to get fucked up.

When you stopped putting a brake on every situation and emotion you’re feeling and just let yourself do and be, you find that there’s a lot of doing and being left to be done. That, in fact, you haven’t done a whole lot of doing and being to date as of yet. So it’s about time it got started.

Scary to think of, really. How it was all just a waste before that wake up call. How I was perfectly content to live life like a machine, punching my time card and going through all of the motions day in and day out like the perfect automaton that I had molded myself into.

I glanced away from the crackling fire that my eyes had been trained on – a classic move from the brooding Zoe Kaganoff, as my beloved would surely claim – to sneak a peek at Jules. I would always love looking at her from the side while she was distracted, free to let my eyes roam all over her for as long as I wanted. At least until…

Damn. Caught. I grinned wide at Jules’ curious stare meeting my own. Oh, well.

“Something on your mind?” Jules asked with a playful tinge to her voice.

“Thinking,” I muttered lowly, distracted, while I drank in her features.

“Hmm,” Jules hummed and propped her elbows up on her knees before plopping her chin in her hands. She stared up at me with innocent eyes and a curious stare. “Whatcha thinking about?”

“You,” I replied simply and smiled a bit wider.

It was funny how the two of us were sitting. Her, sitting cross legged with her back kind of hunched over in the way that she had her elbows propped up -- almost a silent submission to me, really -- all while trying to look as cute as she could, and then me, sitting straight and poised, keeping my hands clasped neatly in my lap instead of on her where I wanted them to be. We could be so damn dramatic sometimes. I loved that just as much as being a mess.

“Tell me more,” Jules purred, her own smile painting her lips.

How could I even begin to tell her more? How would I even start a sentence about it? How in the world did I explain the miracle and wonder of Jules to Jules?

“Well… Hmm…”

I started and stopped just as quick. Looked down a little and cocked my head while furrowing my brows as I attempted to unpack the question once more. In my head this time in order to keep my thoughts together.

Jules was… everything. The warmest part of a cold day. A lazy morning after a long night. Good advice in a bad situation. The rest when I was weary. All of my favorite colors swirled into one special rainbow that was all her. Jules was everything.

Everything my life never was. Everything my life is now. Everything my life could be in the future.

I looked up with a warm and endearing smile, Jules’ smile, and shrugged slightly before reaching out to brush my hand against her knee. “I was trying to figure out how to keep you with me forever.”

The returning smile that Jules gave me was blinding. It easily lit up every dark corner of the room and especially every shadowed crevice of my heart. In short, it was the most beautiful thing that my weary old eyes had ever seen.

“You know,” Jules said slyly and sat up straight so that she could take my hand in both of hers. “If that’s what you wanted, all you had to do was ask.”

“Oh, yeah?” I asked, one brow quirking up to question her further. “It’s just that easy, huh?”

“Well,” Jules drawled. “I mean, it may be a little more than just asking.”

“A little bit more?” I murmured and slid closer to her on the couch so her feet were pressed against the side of my bare leg.

“Mm, yeah,” Jules giggled and wiggled her toes, effectively pushing the hem of my sundress further up my thighs.

“I wonder,” I said slowly, teasing her into listening, all while I grabbed her hips and pulled her onto my lap as if she weighed nothing. This turned Jules into even more of a giggling mess than she already was. Silly girl. She was so infectious though. I laughed once myself before I carried on what I was saying. 

“This more you speak of, it wouldn’t happen to be something small and shiny, would it? Maybe with a couple of expensive rocks set into it? Big enough to fit right,” I lifted Jules’ left hand and tapped her ring finger to the tune of a few more giggles and to my delight, a healthy pink blush creeping into her cheeks, “here?”

“I mean, maybe,” Jules mumbled in a delighted, breathy way that got me all kinds of excited.

“You want me to just say it, don’t you?” I teased, a playful smile dancing across my face all the while. I loved playing games with her. Even in the midst of something as serious as this.

Jules met my eyes with the most honest and sincere gaze that I had ever seen in another human being; it made her amber eyes sparkle gold as well before sending shivers throughout my whole body. “It would honestly make everything easier. However, knowing you,” Jules smiled a little, “I expect another half an hour of this torture first.”

“Marry me.” I blurted it out without a second thought. It wasn’t awkward or bumbling, I was still Zoe Kaganoff after all, but the sudden intensity of my words was enough to surprise both of us into stunned silence for a few prolonged moments.

Jules blinked as though she were a newborn kitten opening her eyes for the first time before she finally focused on me again and composed her face into a look of cool composure. “I mean, yeah. Of course.”

“Yeah. Of course. Just that easy? Really?” I had no idea what I was expecting but my girlfriend’s almost anticlimactic response was not it.

“Baby, is there ever a scenario that I say no when you ask me to spend the rest of my life with you?” Jules asked. It almost made me feel stupid when she put things in such simplistic terms that were easy to understand; basically the opposite of how I looked at anything.

“I mean, no,” I said and looked up and away from Jules.

She huffed and grabbed my face so I was forced to look at her. “Then shut the fuck up and give me a kiss, dummy.”

I growled in my throat and rolled my eyes before leaning in and muttering, “Fine,” against her lips.

Jules hummed and pressed her forehead against mine before letting out a content sigh. She ran the tip of her nose along mine and kissed me one more time before finally pulling back to sit up straight. I circled my arms around her and met her expectant stare, curious to see what she would say. I hoped that whatever it was would drown out the back of my conscious, which was freaking the fuck out over the fact that I was apparently engaged now.

“You are gonna get me a pretty ring though, right?” Jules asked.

I laughed long and loud at her ridiculous question. It was exactly what I needed to distract for the second. What a silly, silly girl.

“The prettiest ring,” I said finally.

“Promise?” Jules pressed.

“Promise.” I grinned. “You always deserve the best don’t you?”

Jules smiled back sweetly and laid her head on my shoulder. “Why do you think I’m marrying you?” 

***

AN: I know, I know, it's been a minute. The holidays though. So much chaos every. fucking. year. Anyways! Hope y'all enjoyed that sweet little scrap - not so little now that I think about it but oh well. It'll play into the upcoming chapter of Blitz which I've been hard at work on and I can't wait to share with everyone. Sit tight and stay tuned, more coming soon.