Scraps - Petty Thoughts

I pursed my lips and steepled my fingers, eyes narrowing at the screen in front of me. Something had led me to the forum, a tug at my ego, I’m sure. Even if I wasn’t the most involved, I still cared enough about what people thought of my work. Well, to some degree at least.

“What’s with the face?” Alex, who had just entered the living room, asked me before walking over and pressing a kiss to my head.

“A disappointment,” I spoke sourly, as if each word left a dirty taste in my mouth, a scowl etched deep into my brow. “That’s what they called it: a disappointment.”

“What were we talking about again?” Alex asked and sat on the floor so she could lean against my legs and look up at me. “And who’s they?”

I closed my laptop in order to meet her innocent stare. It did a little to douse the flames of irritation licking away at my brain but not much. That word kept ringing in my head, regardless of Alex and her warm, soft hazel eyes.

“Just this stupid forum,” I muttered and tapped my fingers across the top of my closed laptop. “People talking about my last book.”

Alex’s brows furrowed before letting out a low hum. “Hmm. You know that’s just gonna piss you off. You’re bound to disagree and get mad eventually.” She gestured to me with a hand, as she were trying to tell me that I was already on the cusp of pissed off.

“I can disagree with people just fine but...this?” 

I gritted my teeth hard as I thought of the comment again. “A bit of a disappointment but I’m sure another gold winner is right around the corner.” It just felt snarky, like there was a backhanded compliment laced in faux encouragement. What a prick.

“A disappointment, Alex! What a fucking word! You know, my parents disappointment in me held more merit than this. Jackass… Complaining about stupid shit…”

Alex knew me well enough to let me vent and just get it off my chest, however, she was also keen enough to throw in a well timed, “What an asshole,” in a show of solidarity.

After I huffed and puffed about how much I hated the community sometimes. Their constant neediness and demands, always making me feel like a piece of meat up for sale, along with the pressures of living up to the unrealistic demands that success forces you to live in. It really was suffocating when I allowed myself to think about it too hard; and that was without all of my own self-loathing thrown in.

“You know what I’m gonna do?” I finally said, sounding breathless by the way I had just growled out my frustration for the past five minutes. “I’m gonna tell him what’s what.”

“Marley,” Alex said in a warning voice, her eyes meeting mine cautiously. “You can’t just lash out when people say things you don’t like.”

Dammit. She was right. However… 

“No,” I said slowly as my brain processed through my thoughts, my fingers already dancing along the edge of my computer, “but I can leave an anonymous comment!”

My laptop was open before my wife could stop me. I wasn’t really thinking about what I was going to say and so there was no place for witty one liners or clever trappings. The only thing I cared about was putting my frustration out for the world to see -- one asshole in question specifically.

“And you know what I gotta say about that?” I muttered as I typed out my words, a self-satisfying smile on my lips. “Fuck. You. Hmm… there.”

“Feel better?” Alex asked. 

Her face told me that I was crazy and a little off the deep end but her eyes held love in them more than anything else. Thank God for that, not sure anyone else could put up with my occasional psychotic streak like Alex did. Wonderful, special girl.

I nodded and smiled. “Quite a bit, actually.”

“Awesome,” Alex said and slapped her knees before hopping up with the spry youthfulness that made me hate her sometimes. “Wanna grab a bite?”

One more glance was spared at my laptop before I shrugged and let go of it all. At the end of the day I wouldn’t have everyone agree with or even like my work. That was just a hard truth. My eyes went from my laptop to Alex’s grinning face. The one that mattered most cared, and that was the greatest gift I was ever gonna get. Ignorant assholes be damned.

“I would love to.”

***

AN: So, uh, I was on Lit the other day, you know cause I like abuse, and I encountered something like what you’re about to read. Then the day after that, Lit basically gave me a reason to never post anything there again, which gave me even more reason to write this. The reason I’m telling you this is so no one thinks that I’m trying to use Marley here as a way to self-project my cattiness; she’s merely venting for me. Let’s just say that I’m not this petty but I’ve had my moments where I definitely wanted to be.