Scraps - Heart Check

Lil was at the dining room table when I came in the kitchen looking for a snack.

Her furrowed brows pressed into a tight line over amber colored eyes and in her hands she held two identical looking heart shaped valentines cut from red construction paper and covered in glitter. There was an intense gaze in her eyes as they went back and forth between the valentines with a concentration that was completely foreign to Lil. 

Outside of any reckless sporty activity that is. I mused with a small chuckle before I approached my daughter. 

“Whatcha up to, champ?” I asked, before pulling out a chair next to Lil and sitting down with an open, friendly smile.

Lil’s stony expression remained unchanged. There wasn’t even a hint of a grin. Not even when I called her by one of the many nicknames I had reserved just for her.

“Everything all right there, kiddo?” I asked as an air of caution crept into my voice.

“Can’t decide...” Lil muttered and held both valentines up before she dropped her hands back down to the table lamely once more.

“Need some help?” I offered before leaning over the table to ruffle up Lil’s auburn hair under my hand. “I’ve been known to be a pretty smart cookie in my time.”

“Hmm,” Lil hummed in her throat.

“Talk to me, Lil,” I said, my voice much more subdued than the joking tone I had taken with her moments earlier, before I put a hand on her arm. “What’s going on?”

Lil flicked her eyes between the paper valentines once more before she looked up at me with a desperate expression. “I’m not sure who to give my valentine to.”

“Too many cute boys in class, huh?” I chuckled and tapped her arm in jest, but Lil only screwed up her mouth and shrugged. 

“There’s one cute boy, Dennis Ackermeyer, but...” Her eyes slipped from her right hand, where she had been staring, to her left hand before she mumbled, “There’s also Susie Nellis. And she’s pretty cute too.”

“Oh,” I said solemnly and squeezed her arm unconsciously under my hand.

On the outside I retained the same easy smile I was known for, but inside I felt like I was scrambling. This wasn’t something that I expected to face as a parent quite yet. Lil was only nine, after all. It wasn’t like she could understand the deeper implications of sexuality and what that would mean in her life. 

And it’s not like my mom ever talked to me about this shit. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at my thoughts and squeezed Lil’s arm under my hand instead.

“Is there any reason why you like Dennis?” Subconsciously I think I wanted to push my daughter toward the boy she was interested in instead of the girl. It would be easier in the long run, easier for her and for me, but I wouldn’t ever take the choice away from Lil, so I followed up my question with another, “Or Susie for that matter?”

“Well,” Lil drawled and dropped both of the valentines to the table before she propped her fists under her chin with a loud, huffy sigh. “Dennis is nice. And he’s really good at sports too.  He can run just as fast as me even.”

“And you’re really fast, so that’s pretty big,” I remarked with an astonished tone to my voice.

Lil nodded sagely at my appropriate response. “I know,” she said before bringing a hand up to play with her shaggy auburn locks. “But Susie draws me cool stuff.” Lil paused before a light blush crept into her cheeks and she muttered, “And she always smells really good too.”

My grin widened as I listened to Lil talk about the kids she liked in her class. Look at her. Having crushes and getting all blushy. My eyes softened to the only daughter I had. She’s growing up right in front of my eyes.

“It sounds like you want to give both of them a valentine,” I pointed out as I rubbed a soothing hand up and down Lil’s arm.

Lil shrugged, crossed her arms on the table and sunk down so her chin rested on top. “Yeah,” she muttered in a near mute voice.

“Can I tell you a secret, champ?” I asked Lil and leaned in a little closer. She looked back at me with wide, eager eyes, just hoping for some kind of answer from me. “You can. If you want to.”

Lil cocked her head and screwed up her mouth in thought. “I can?”

“Sure,” I said and shrugged nonchalantly. “Who’s stopping you?”

Lil looked at me in surprise, mouth agape and eyes wide in revelation. “Really?” she breathed in awe.

I nodded and ruffled up her hair once more. “Really.”

The expression of shock slid from Lil’s face, quickly replaced with a deep contemplative one again. “But what if they don’t want to be my valentine?”

I breathed in a deep sigh and let it all out at once. “That’s a whole different monster, champ.”

Lil’s face pulled down in a pout for all of one second as her eyes flicked back and forth between the valentines once more. Then it disappeared and a smile blossomed in its place. “They’ll like me. I’m super cool.”

“Yeah,” I chuckled and rolled my eyes before standing up from the dining chair with a stretch. “You’re cool alright.”

Lil turned her big, toothy smile up at me before she hopped down from her chair and wrapped her arms around me. “Thanks, Mama. You’re so smart.”

I felt a lump rise in my throat at the simple praise my daughter gave me before I kissed the top of her head. “Anytime, kiddo.”

Lil pulled back from me with a megawatt grin and the next thing I knew she was running out of the room in a big rush. I scratched my head in confusion and watched the spot Lil had disappeared to. After a few moments, my daughter came back with her arms full of craft supplies and threw them on the kitchen table.

“What are you doing there, bud?” I asked cautiously.

Lil slapped some red construction paper in front of herself and grabbed the safety scissors before holding them up in the air dramatically and declaring, “I’m making more valentines!”

My brows furrowed and I cocked my head to the side before pressing further with my line of questions. “Why do you need to do that? I thought you already had your valentines made.”

“For Dennis and Susie, yeah,” Lil replied with exasperation. “But there’s also Jessie and Nathan and Matty. And I like Daisy too.” She furrowed her brows and stuck her tongue out in concentration as she cut a heart out from the paper before adding, “I’ll give them all valentines and then all of them will like me too. Just like you said.”

“Well, that’s not exactly what I said,” I explained and gestured with my hand as if I were wiping my words away. “What I said was-”

Lil cut me off with a fierce glare before I could say anymore. “You said ‘what’s stopping you?’” she pointed out with a poke to the table after each word.

I nodded and sighed in defeat. “I did say that.”

“Uh-huh,” Lil agreed with a hearty nod of her own and went back to cutting her valentines out for the various crushes she had in her class.

Sounds like half the class at this point… God I can’t even remember that far back. Is it normal for a kid to like so many other kids? I scoffed as I watched Lil before cocking my head in consideration. Maybe I shouldn’t have encouraged her like that? But I put that thought to rest just as quick. No. No it was good to encourage her, but Lil… I let out another heavy sigh. She’ll run a mile with whatever I give her. 

I cast my eyes back to Lil, surrounded by paper, glitter, markers and glue sticks, and kissed the top of her head again. “I’m gonna make a snack,” I said before ruffling her hair up with one hand. “Holler if you need any help, okay?”

“Mm-hm,” Lil hummed, her tongue back out as she focused on writing big block letters on one of the valentines.

I’m sure it’s all fine and innocent. I concluded as I turned from Lil to dig in the cupboards. She’s just a child after all. So full of love to give. 

But she’s growing up right in front of my eyes. I thought for the second time today. And someday it may not be as innocent as it is now.

This thought festered for only a moment before I gave it the boot. I’ll deal with that day when it comes. I assured myself and looked back to Lil with a soft, loving smile. For right now, she’s still just my baby.