Here I go again🐟

Hello.

It is day 356 of 2022.

I am sitting at my desk in hopes of delivering my thoughts and emotions to you through this post.

I am feeling emotionally and creatively stunted. 

2022 has been a strange year for me. Nothing much happened and yet so much happened. I lost touch with my creative side this year in a way that I never have. I gained new experiences in different areas of my life. But I couldn't enjoy them fully because of being out of touch with my creative side which added fear of not being able to make money. My life seems so jumbled and twisted and tangled right now. I keep thinking if only I had enough money, I wouldn't be this stressed, and I would be able to be more present when new amazing life experiences are happening. But I don't want to wait for money to be more present. I feel like I am complaining about money too much but I can't keep it in for too long. 

I haven't been drawing much. It's been 3 months since I've "properly" drawn. I don't know who I am, what I'm doing or why I'm doing or why I am. It is all very painful and I don't know what to do besides just draw but I've been struggling so much to feel inspired. I don't want to feel inspired and motivated only because of money. I'm rethinking my life and chosen path. I'm scared of being depressed again and I find myself slipping into the darkness as I enter the new year.

But I do feel a glimmer of hope. But I'm scared so much for the most part. I think about my future selves and get super stressed. Will I have a place to stay? Money for food? Money to go to places? Money to buy medicines? AAAAAAA. So many thoughts. It makes me cry. I want to have a stable income but I have been so slow, so slothful. I am scared of missing out on life. I am scared I have missed out on life by hyper-worrying about everything. 

I feel like I need to take a big nature break but because I already haven't been doing much, I can't allow myself to go off the grid and miss out on making potential money. Ugh, I'm so mad at money.

Instagram is moot. I feel so icky at the thought of sharing my work on Instagram. But what am I without it? I want to see what I can do outside of Instagram. I want to grow my Patreon. My goal is to reach 100 patrons in 2023. I hope I can make that happen. My ideal income is to make thrice as much as I am making right now. 

Although I've managed to tick off some things from my 2022 goals list, I feel like I haven't achieved much and I feel like a failure. I want to feel like myself again. I feel terrible. I want to show up for myself and show my potential and I want to make the money I think I deserve.

Oddly enough, in spite of all the terrible feelings I'm feeling, I do believe in myself. I know I am capable of making fun things. I just need to reach out to myself and help myself out. Also need to ask for help without feeling embarrassed. I've felt so weak in asking for help. But asking for help is a brave thing to do. And I will not feel shame for doing it.

I don't want any one of you to think that I take your support for granted. I am eternally grateful for it. I want to make you proud and make myself proud. I want to give you your money's worth. Everything that you see in the image above has been bought because of your support. The chair, the desk, the plant, the mirror, the other chair. I am able to make my space into my space because of you. It blows my mind. 

I feel like I want to tell you more about my life. You have been here for so long helping me live my creative life. Let me tell you a little bit about my personal life.

I live with my parents and I am an only child. Both my parents go to work. My mother's a clerk at a college and my father is a technical lab assistant at another college. My father doesn't get paid on time because his employer is in debt. My mother takes care of some expenses and I take care of some. I want my parents to chill out on the money front by making enough for the three of us. Four, including maau. I've also been wanting to move out but I can't really afford to do that right now. I've been home alone all day since third grade so I've had ample time to work on my art in solitude but a change of space would be nice now hehe. I have also recently fallen in love. And it's been scary and exciting. But I haven't been able to enjoy it fully because of money stress haha. Ok I think that's enough information for now.

Now about professional stuff. I want to change the goodbadmail rewards for next year. I have a thing in mind. I will have a chat with myself and get back to you next week. I want to change the $7 rewards as well. But I don't know what to do. I want it to be digital. If you have any ideas, please feel free to reach out on @gbcpatrons or here.

I want to draw every day even if I don't feel like it. I have to be a bit strict and remember that this is my profession and not just a fun thing I do to make money. Ok, that sounded weirder than I imagined. But I hope you get it. I need to work on improving my skill set and draw like a true drawer that draws on command while also being kind to myself somehow. I will allow myself to make bad, ugly drawings and I will not give up on drawing because something I drew came out ugly. 

What else do I need to do?

Hmmm.

I'll let you know. My mind is a bit scattered and blank and foggy. I should breathe.

For the most part, I don't want to feel sorry for myself lol Stupid money issues. I'll figure it out. I don't want to stop making art. I am on Earth to make art and make money through art and meet people through art and more.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for being here. I hope to have you in my life in 2023.

Special thanks to Sara, Sridhar, and Susan. My 3 important S's.

I love you,

Aditi