Hola amigos (⁠ ⁠ꈨຶ⁠ ⁠˙̫̮⁠ ⁠ꈨຶ⁠ ⁠)

Hello. Again. And again. Whew. I am currently in a neutral mood after many MANY many MANY MANY weeks. And I'm gonna hold on to this feeling and finally write an update here. Something that's obviously been on my mind all this time. It might feel like I'm running in circles, where I talk about being sad and then my inability to create because I'm sad and feeling sad about it. Aaaa. It must be so exhausting to read about it but it is also exhausting going through it. I've never been this absent in my own life. Or at least my creative and professional life. I've been such a stranger to myself the past few months. It's WEIRDDD. Everytime I would think about making comics or updating you, it would feel like I'm doing a stranger's task and I didn't know how to do it, I felt so confused.

I'm very very blown away by the way our minds and bodies work. Three nights ago, I had a full blown panic attack in the middle of the night. I was already caught up with something in my mind but it snowballed into something unrecogniseable and my thoughts manifested themselves into my physical self and my hands were literally vibrating and head spinning, uncontrollable crying, I felt like that was it. It was truly a scary and dark time. It lasted for like 2 hours. It was also literally dark outside because of the sun's absence at night time. Anyway. Sorry for the detailed description, I just feel safer talking about this stuff on here.

My father was hospitalized yesterday and he had a procedure done. Turns out he doesn't have cancer. It's been strange and complicated. But his health has deteriorated a lot. Hoping this procedure will help him eat properly again.

It feels like I'm depressed again ❤️❤️ but I found a new therapist and the sessions will be in person instead of online (which I had been doing for 2 years with another therapist) I've only been to one session so far but it seems promising and I'm feeling hopeful about coming out of my darkness 🕷️

I've definitely been feeling like a fraud/imposter/not-like-an-artist and similar things because I haven't been able to stay active anywhere online. My offline life has been chaotic. I went to Bangalore for a couple of weeks and that was nice but it had its own chaotic moments too. I think I'm just gonna accept that life will be chaotic at times but that doesn't mean I have to go into freeze mode. I can slow down around the chaos and work my way through/around it.

I'm losing hair! Haha. It's actually not funny lol. I'm scared of going bald. I have bald patches already. I don't want another thing to worry about but looks like it's too late but it's also such a tricky situation because I'm losing hair due to stress but then losing hair is also stressing me out. How to come out of this?? I should just not care. Losing hair, don't care.

I want to go back to myself and be myself again. But I'm right here. It's so weird. Haha a lot of these things are just so weird. Even though they've been happening for so long. I just can't get used it it, maybe because I don't want to get used to it.

Anyway, back to how I'm behind on a lot of things. I have to make Shampoo and Daddy #4 and #5. Print and send it off to $10+ patrons. I have to figure out $7 rewards for this year. I feel so guilty about it. It's been 5 months (that's almost half a year!!!!) And I still haven't been able to come up with anything. But I will make up for it. I promise.

I've just been faced with brand new hurdles since the year began which confused me and I fell apart. I'm slowly learning to pick myself back up again. Aaaaaa. I have this strong urge to aggresively make you understand how sorry and guilty and embarrassed and ashamed I am about not updating you or staying active. I don't want to be misunderstood.

I will draw now. Time to get my shit together. Thank you for staying here despite my absence. What did I do to deserve you?

❤️
Aditi