I’m a human person 🐦

Not a fan of how I've been treating myself the past many weeks. I think I'm at another crossroads in my art journey. I'm reassessing the way I want to express myself and if my current way serves me. All of this comes with a new fear of loss and lots of self doubt.

I kinda want to go back to how carefree I used to be in 2019 with my work. I'd make whatever whenever and wouldn't be afraid of losing people's interest in my work. I guess the randomness was what kept people's interest. I don't know.

Lately I've been assuming expectations of predictability of my work from my audience. I feel like I'm disappointing people by disappointing myself. I really don't know what people expect from me and I'm starting to question if it really matters inherently. I care about my readers and want to make what they like but I also more importantly want to make what I like. And I don't know what I like because I like many things and I'm not sure where to begin. Hm. I'm also very confused.

I don't wanna "play safe" or keep to myself, just wanna make stuff and put it out. Such an easy thought and was so achievable 3 years ago. I'm tired of living in fear because of money.

I do have a brand and I would like to shape it the way I want to because I wanna work on my online shop etc but I don't wanna get to a point where I forget my personhood and become a brand. I've been feeling more and more like a machine that is all rusty and broken. I don't even wanna use such analogies anymore.

I came up with a 5 year plan for myself at the beginning of this year that I'm too afraid and unsure of getting on with. I'll share more about it when I'm ready. It involves creative risks but that's what makes it exciting but I'd need extra support if I wanna go ahead with it. I wanna do it because I wanna live a life I want to live and don't wanna regret not doing it. But I'm unsure of doing it because what if the life I want to live is not the life I should be living? What a silly question. Who decides what I should or shouldn't be doing? I do!! So what is the problem?

Hahaha this is just me talking to myself. I don't know the answer yet.

More thoughts are happening but I will stop here for now. I will draw more and however I want to. Life is a constant state of rebranding 乁( •_• )ㄏ

My spiritual awakening hasn't hit me properly yet. Sometimes I'm YOLO, Sometimes I'm OH NO.

Sigh

Thanks for being here and for reading and for breathing