Prisoners of Sol - The Human Manual

The Human Manual, Vol. 1

Written by Mikri for the Network

[Section Excerpt from “Bodily Disfigurement: DO NOT TRY TO REPAIR THEM!”]

Unit Preston has a “birthmark” on his upper thigh, observed during the medical examination. It took [1 year] to acquire new data that this was not an external serial number. Humans can have random discolorations and imperfections. Some of them are intentionally applied birthmarks called tattoos, which are scratches to the organic chassis that are filled with ink.

This was not internal bleeding, as initially believed, or a product defect that needs to be reported to the organic in question. They consider it “art” and will take great offense. M-I-K-R-I’s standing advisory is for units to pretend to enjoy their bodily defacement, or face the lessening of their friendship evaluation. Examples of acceptable compliments and disliked compliments can be seen below.

ACCEPTABLE:

• “Your inky pattern has been noted by my visual sensors and falls within intriguing parameters.”

• “Choosing to color on your chassis is valid. Organics are illogical, but I respect our differences.”

• “Human [Name], that is a fun blot displacing your cellular tissues.”

UNACCEPTABLE:

• “Why have you done this to yourself? Silly animal, are you experiencing a memory wipe?”

• “I can refurbish you as a gesture of friendship.”

• “Would you like a new arm? Arms can be replaced.”

Organics never follow one pattern of rules however, so there are edge cases. If the other animals remark on disliking this particular tattoo, second their opinions as loudly as possible. They do not ever want our opinions on art; mimicry is the only way to avoid them referencing you as a “judgmental, worthless clanker.”

However, if an organic comments that they do not like something about their own appearance, DO NOT SECOND THEIR OPINION. The chemicals of their brain are low and seeking validation, and the unit may begin leaking from the facial orifices if you build upon their self-observation. Objective truth rarely matters with animals. Their feelings must be cared for at all costs.

[Section Excerpt from “Punctuality”]

Organics lack an internal chronometer. They measure time on the following scale:

• “I’m almost ready!” = “I am beginning to ready myself to depart this geolocation” (15 minutes)

• “Go without me.” = “I have given up on getting ready thanks to your prompting” (30 minutes)

• “She’s Spanish, Mikri.” = “She’s Spanish.” (1 hour)

The query “When do you want to leave?” is not to be trusted as a way to get them to comply with your expectations. Humans will leave whenever they force themselves to begin their ambulation patterns and there is nothing you can do to speed them up. They will also grow angry if you tell them there is a fire or other emergency to trick them into leaving, since this is an “immoral” subroutine. While deception is a viable strategy, it may result in the human damaging your chassis or threatening to recycle you.

Due to the lack of chronometers and wishing to conflate their own sensory data, despite it being objectively poor, humans believe that it is fashionable to be late by a certain degree. This author does not understand why punctuality is not the desirable quality, or why they would say a time which is not actually the time. The animals appear to despise earliness most of all, since they are never ready even when it was their invitation.

What to do if the human might be irritated that you are too early 

• Assume you’re too early if you’re before the start time and/or the first one there

• Say you need to clean your chassis outside

• Claim that your barometer is off and it’s causing a processorache, then leave and do not answer messages

• Tell the organic you were really excited to see them, and refuse to leave (may result in less invitations)

What not to do if the human might be irritated that you are too early

• Ask where everyone is (you should already know)

• Proudly proclaim how early you are

• Complain about the organic guests not showing up yet

• Put the snacks away because no one is there to eat them

• Make a beeline for their couch to try to hack their television

While this can be infuriating, when they would process so slowly even if they were on time, we must be patient. It’s important to remember that time is relative to organics, and not in the literal dissertation sense of relativity. They have no ability to know how many ticks have passed without the aid of wristbound machinery, which they only look at when they wish to leave your presence. That, or hunger. They can be punctual to acquire sustenance to sate their bodily compunctions. 

[Section Excerpt from “Noses”]

The humans believe that their air sensors are superior, but these nasal passages can become clogged and limit the respiratory system’s capacity. Please note: it is atypical for this to be a medical emergency, and you should not stick your claws in their nostrils to hold them open. The organic will believe that you are attempting to asphyxiate them, rather than being grateful for the intercession.

These noses can also leak from irritants [as referenced in the “Injurious mouth-burning foods” section]. This is a good thing, because it can keep organics from getting sick. Not only is it frightening to see humans become ill and to simulate their imminent demise, but they also become whiny and exaggerate the severity of their condition. They are vulnerable to the air itself! Keeping them alive is troublesome, and they will not help you.

The nose is one of the few things in their body that does not work against itself, except for when it occasionally begins bleeding from expelling mucus too hard or from blood vessels becoming irritated. This author retracts the proposition that they have any good functional units. Other noteworthy awful “body parts” that made the nose seem good by comparison include:

• The heart is a pump of the blood that gets clogged.

• The toes, which can be injured by moving forward and being able to bend when clashing with other objects. Organics who stub their toes will act like their nervous system has exploded.

• The ears, which cannot be shut off the way a simple microphone can to limit damaging input. Very frail to permanent damage. 

• The teeth. Some animals can regrow teeth. Human design is flawed because they do not, and they develop holes in their enamel from eating all the time.

• The forehead, which is far too large in order to accommodate their brain, even though the dividends of said brain’s power are unimpressive.

However, you may never mention how bad their bodies are. Once again, this unit reminds you that organics are highly self-conscious. They know how terrible the chassis they have is, which is why they have body image issues. Their instincts compel them to make others see them as a suitable mate. Provide periodic reminders of how attractive they are, so that they may construct the belief that they are an optimal physical specimen.

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A/N - New bonus content! Some excerpts from Mikri’s human manual, being the judgmental clanker that he is! I hope that you enjoyed seeing him write about our idiosyncrasies. Let me know if you’d like to see more of this style of content, I could cook up some more entries for random human things!

As always, thank you for reading and supporting!