Prisoners of Sol - The Human Manual 2

Link to Volume 1

The Human Manual, Vol. 2

Written by Mikri for the Network

[Section Excerpt from “Listening”]

Despite having audio sensors that are in the correct range of functionality, organics may fail to process the stimuli that you speak at them. They are unable to parse information in any quantities, even broken down in datasets as small as 8 line items. There is a phenomenon described as zoning out. The human’s thought is focusing on one thing that has captured their attention while disregarded all else.

The best way to handle this is a way to confront them and elicit the “guilt” subroutine, so that they will make efforts to be less distractible. Here are various comments that you can cycle, as well as examples of what won’t work.

Ways to make the human feel horrible:

• “I will disconnect my voicebox because it seems nothing I say is worth processing.”
• “Human [name], your eyes appear to be drifting elsewhere solely when you are with me. Should this unit retract its friendship since it is undesired? I do not wish to displease you.”
• “Organic, repeat anything I just said, or I will depress myself for a month.” (Turn visual display to crying emoticon)
• “My information is not good enough to be encoded for a few seconds.” (Hug self and turn away with “Sulking” posture)  

Ineffectual ways to make the human feel horrible:

• “I can see that you are very interested! I will discuss this topic more, at length, with scientific citations from your internet.”
• “Please be exultant at my intelligence, so that I can feel celebrated and loved. Surely you must relish my passions?”
• “It is a shame you cannot interface into the network and download this data yourself. I have to go through the effort of orating it to you manually in simplified words.”
• “Your ears need an upgrade. Are you broken?”

The other alternative, which requires additional effort for little gain in the desired behaviors, is to make your information more accessible to their limited processing power. This unit has found that they often still do not care about almost any topic that is outside their existing awareness. However, if it is of extreme importance that the humans understand your lesson, here is a step-by-step process on how to force them to understand.

• Step 1: Use no more than 1 number per three seconds. Scrub ANY decimals, they do not care about accuracy at all unless it is for a precise calculation.
• Step 2: Print out a physical flash card for them to hold right in front of them. Write main points with colors and pictures.
• Step 3: Give an example of its practical usage, so they can ascertain whether they would find it useful.
• Step 4: Make a second card repeating everything you said with different wording, often summarizing in even less words.
• Step 5: Narrate it to them live and pause in between points. Ask them questions about how they think something works, do not mock them for the inevitably stupid answer, and then prompt them to ask questions to perform maintenance on their confused circuits.

The effectiveness of the above-referenced method depends on the intelligence of the unit, as well as their current energy levels and their affinity for your speech subroutines. When teaching humans, it may be advisable to ask another organic to review your materials.

[Section Excerpt from “Ice”]

Ice can cause severe chassis damage via chemical burns when applied to organic skin. Freezing is more than just a discomfort caused by cold, when left alone. It can result in the unit’s system collapse and permanent failure, if irrevocable harm to their critical machinery. They are driven by impulse to seek warmth and to use attire to conserve their bodily heat through insulation.

So why, then, do organics wish for cold consumables, to the extent of complaining of the unacceptability of a warm drink—with exceptions, because they can never be simple or make sense to parse?

The humans M-I-K-R-I has spoken to claim that cold beverages are more refreshing, especially in hot weather, helping to cool them down. This can be to the extent of allowing their sensitive internal organs to make contact with food-infusion ice chips. If “smoothies” will melt inside their insatiable bellies, then why did they need to be frozen in the first place? Would this not require more energy to break down and be inefficient for a digestion process that already gives them a measly amount of watts to power their cognition apparatus? 

Current theories about the animals’ irrational behavior

• The humans discovered that freezing food would prevent spoilage and self-selected to limit the cooking effort. Most organic units fit the designation “lazy,” which means they resist doing the smallest tasks. Their self-care is a constant nuisance, but it is for their own survival.
• Organics like good pain in the form of spicy food, perceived as heat by their mouth receptors. Perhaps this is a similar phenomenon.
• Their tastes are insanely choosy and particular, to the detriment of the optimal nutritional composite. This may enhance flavors in some psychosomatic way, though there is a zero percent probability that this could be detected by the flavor profile.
• Freezing causes their systems to shut down and prepare for a high likelihood of death. They may stimulate their survival systems on purpose to help them sleep, since they can have difficulty acting on their own “tiredness.”
• They are all collectively pretending to like it because they perceive the technology to be a “cool” thing to use “just because.”

This unit’s units gravitate toward ice cream as a particular comfort food. This corroborates that they do draw pleasure from it, whether mental or physical. If your humans are distressed or upset, locate a tub of this substance in the freezer, hand it to them with a spoon so they do not have to endure the arduous process of getting up, and tell them you will love them even when they gain a hundred pounds.

[Section Excerpt from “Coordination”]

Humans have no awareness of where their bodies will end up when moving their limbs. Colliding with objects often triggers anger, followed by complaining responses and assertions of their clumsiness. Clumsiness is not considered to be an organic defect, though this author posits that it is more detrimental than many conditions they consider to be neurodivergence. Never question whether they saw the item they collided with.

It does not matter if this is an example of poor attentional skills. You also should not remove any objects you like from their vicinity before helping them up and questioning whether they will need bed rest or an amputation. Beware that anything you place in their hands may be dropped. This author believes it’s their subconscious wanting to break things and taking over long enough to release the object.

Checklist on whether to persist in the proximity of a clumsy human who could trip onto you and collapse your processor forever with Sol strength:

• Step 1: Deduct the appropriate amount of points from the human’s internal value and begin calculating whether you can accept futures without their presence.
• Step 2: If the answer is no, spread out their furniture as soon as you are alone in their dwelling. Attempt to distance yourself out of falling range at all times.
• Step 3: Limit the amount of times the human stands up, by retrieving items for them and setting a recurring inquiry on whether they need anything. This will reduce the probability of their clumsiness resulting in the ceasing of their functions through a skull rupture or spinal severing. 

Remember, humans are always less able to harm themselves when sitting still and not engaging in active tasks. This is why laziness is a positive evolutionary trait and should be encouraged.

Link to Volume 3

A/N - Episode 2! Mikri discusses some new topics here, including his own theories on our reasons and how units should handle situations. What do you think about how our favorite robot thinks about and deciphers us? Which topic was your favorite to see discussed so far?

As always, thank you for reading and supporting!