The Women's Job - I Don't Have a Choice - Chapter 7

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How could she come up with another month's rent, buy food, and pay the bills that she knew would pile up?  

Were menial jobs the only ones left?  She couldn't go back to her parent's home, especially not looking like this. Besides, there was no room, nor could she ask her brother to take her in.

And if she stayed like this as Ashley, how could she even face her family?

Wondering what she was going to do next, after getting on the elevator which hadn't come yet, she decided that getting downstairs and finding a way back to her place was the best thing to do, for now anyway.  

Get back to her place, get these clothes off, throw them in a pile and get those others out of hiding and get rid of them all. Just do that word she had heard and read about a long time ago, and follow through, once again. Yes. Purge.  

It sounded disgusting, but she had long worried that these thoughts of hers as well as acting on them, would eventually get her into trouble, trouble which was now happening. She would have to do that and force herself never to think this way again, except she knew deep down, that was most likely impossible.  

The elevator buzzed indicating that a car was coming, and the door opened.  Without paying attention as she was deep in her thoughts, she walked toward the open door not at all looking up.  

Some man was coming out of the car at that moment and they walked into one another, colliding, not enough to knock each other down, but enough that Ashley had to reach out to the edge where the door was to steady herself. 

 Her shoulder bag dropped to the floor and the man in his attempt to steady himself, accidently kicked it about 4 or 5 feet back into the hallway.  

They both let out an 'oof' when they collided, as the man then quickly said, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Miss, please excuse me.  I wasn't paying attention."  

"No, no, it was my fault, I was looking down," said Ashley as she started looking around for her shoulder bag.  

The man reached over and picked it up handing it back to her and said, "No, it was my fault. I'm so very sorry. Are you okay? Here's your bag, please accept my apology."  

"Yes, I'm fine, thank you. And please, you don't have to be sorry, nothing to apologize for. It was totally my fault, really.  I was worrying about something, just not paying attention.  

But thank you for picking up my bag."  At that moment, the elevator door closed and the car left, before Ashley could reach over and push the button again, as she said, "Oh, no!" 

This afternoon was not going well at all, she thought.  

The man, probably in his 30's, decent looking, but not particularly handsome to Ashley's opinion, just average, then said, "Well, I do apologize if I caused you to miss your ride, Miss. I was only trying to help.  I hope you're okay?"  

"Thank you, but it's all right, I just need to calm down a little.  It wasn't your fault at all, although, I do thank you for your assistance. I'm fine now.  I really am."  He gave her a nice smile and slight nod before turning to start walking down the hall as Ashley stood in front of the elevator door, having pushed the button again waiting for it to return.  

If she knew where the stairs were...and where they led, she would have immediately gone to them but now she could only wait. She had to get out of there, especially before that Mr. Austin showed up.  

The man turned back and asked, "Pardon me, Miss. I don't want to intrude, but do you work here?  Or are you just visiting?  I know most everyone who works here.  You do look a little familiar."  She turned to him with a smile as she understood he was only trying to help and it was really her fault for trying to rush into the elevator and she replied, "No, I don't work here.  

I was here for a job, um, interview.  I'm now leaving." 

 "Oh, uh, I don't mean to pry but are you, uh, Ash Miller, by chance? Did you send in...a resume about two weeks or so ago?"  

"Um, yes...I am?"  

"My goodness, who may I ask were you interviewing with? Mr. Austin perhaps?"  

"Yes, but I...um, I turned him down."  She didn't want to cause problems and give the real reason, not to a stranger anyway. 

 "Oh, yes, I, um...hmmm, never mind.  Look, I'm terribly sorry I wasn't here for the interview.  I wasn't expecting to interview you until early next week, probably Monday. 

I just returned from a business trip and I wanted to come in here and give you a call to schedule a time." 

 "Ar.are you Mr. Relsly?"  

"Yes," he said and put out his hand, "Pleased to meet you...uh, Ms. Miller."

 She extended hers and said, "Pleased to meet you, and it's...Ashley." She considered why she said that, but realized that to anyone looking at her, and that she had given that name to several people here she might as well keep it...for now anyway.  

"Ashley, that's nice.  Mine is Paul, but for business, it has to be Mr. Relsly.  I hope you understand."  

Ashley nodded but was thinking that she couldn't believe what was happening. She considered, 'Here I am talking to Mr. Relsly and he must fully know about me.  He had to have seen my picture and read my resume but he's still treating me as I appear.  

And even out here in the hall, he sounds far more professional than that Mr. Austin ever did.'  "I'm sorry to hear that you declined the job.  I thought from your resume that it would work out quite well."

  "Actually, he, Mr. Austin, sort of said, too, that I, um, wasn't a good fit."  He looked at her for a few seconds and nodding slightly, said, "Oh, hmm, I think I understand now.  

By chance, was he offering you a job as his assistant?"  

"Uh, yes?"  

"Of course, that explains it.  That's not the job I had in mind for you, not at all. I told him to wait for me before he interviewed anyone for that position.  I'll have to talk to him about this."  The elevator opened at the moment and Ashley glanced at it.  Quickly Mr. Relsly said, "Look, I've got an idea.  They don't know I'm back here, yet.  There's a coffee shop next door. How about I buy you a cup of coffee and we talk about the job position I wanted to interview you for.  

Would that be all right with you, Ms. Miller?  Can you give us another chance?  

If you're still interested? Which I hope you are."  

Ashley thought, 'As much as I was so disappointed a few moments ago, I can't believe how lucky I am now, he's offering me another chance, and it seems for the right position. But, it better not be near that Mr. Austin. 

 After what Mr. Austin tried to do with me, I should leave, but I really, really do need a job.  

Oh, I don't know, I suppose I should at least listen to it, and at least we'll be in another place.'  She replied, "Um, yes, I guess I am. 

So, yes, I'd be...happy to take you up on the cup of coffee."  Well, Ashley now reflected, he did seem like a decent person, very professional, not like Mr. Austin.  Maybe she was too hasty in wanting to leave this whole company.  Maybe she happened to meet the worst person here.  

Deirdre seemed happy, so did the receptionist, even Lauren. None of them probably worked for Mr. Austin.  

And again, she fully understood she needed a job, really needed one.  Maybe this other position he was talking about would work out.  

At least she had to give it a chance considering there was nothing else on the horizon.  

And a coffee shop would be far more open so nothing awkward could happen and if things didn't go right, she could easily excuse herself and leave. 

It would be quite simple.  He stepped up to the elevator door and moved his arm in front of it to keep it from closing and said, "Thank you, I think the job I'm considering you for, you might like better than the one Mr. Austin was offering.  So, let's be off."  Ashley now thought, 'Oh, okay, I think I understand.  

If Mr. Relsly had been here, I would have come in as Ash, no clothing store, well, maybe not, I'm not sure. But, especially no Mr. Austin making those....well, I don't even want to think about it.  

But maybe I wouldn't be Ashley right now, I'd still be Ash.  But, does it matter? 

I'm going to interview now as Ashley.  

I guess I'm going have to make sure he knows, although it does look like he already does.  I guess I'll have to find out what the job is actually about before I decide too much more.  The real question is, should I stay as Ashley, the person five people at Johnston Industries have now met, or should I go back to being Ash.  

And why am I even considering any of this?  

Mr. Relsly held the elevator door for her and he entered behind her  without even coming close to touching her, which she realized and was a little relieved about and they were off to the coffee shop.  

They only made small talk on the way, mentioning the weather, the summer season quickly approaching, some local current events, but nothing at all serious. 

All this helped Ashley as she tried to compose herself, trying to forget what had happened in Mr. Austin's office.  It seemed to be working.  

Once they were seated and each had a cup, he started, "So, let me explain first what we do here and then the position I'm considering you for."  

"I'd like that a lot!" she said. 

 "I may be repeating some of what Mr. Austin told you, but if you don't mind, I'd like to fully explain it."  

"I don't mind at all.  He was rather brief in his explanation."  

"Yes. So, we're a rather new section.  It seems that Johnston Industries has gotten into so many different areas rather quickly, dealing with many different suppliers, vendors, that sort of thing.  

As the growth came fast, so did the number of contracts that were signed, and not as much attention was being paid as needed to for some of the more obscure sections.  

Our job is to go through all the contracts, as meticulously and thoroughly as possible.  

We want to make sure we understand exactly what our and our vendors' obligations are.  It takes some experience to learn how to read a contract but once you're up to speed, you can begin to look for things that might be misunderstood, or perhaps even detrimental to the company, for example.  

It turns out that in the recent past, the company has been caught in some disputes because we didn't fully understand parts of the signed contract.  

"Besides the small group of workers in my section who are going over the contracts, we have two lawyers on our staff.  

They have their degrees and are applying to the state bar, but until they pass, they're here to review any findings we come across that could be a problem and, after reviewing them, pass them along if warranted to our legal department. When they do pass the bar, they'll move on and we'll replace them. 

The people on my team are quickly getting up to speed.  We're looking for those who have a decent work record and especially attention to detail. Because these are unique documents, we'll be training you on what to look for. 

One employee got married recently and moved away so that's why we have an opening.  

You'll be replacing her, but of course, you'll be starting out, as there's a lot to learn."  "Oh, my. Should I have taken some law courses in school?"  

"No, no. Not at all.  Actually, since we have a fairly thorough training process, it's better that you don't come in with any previous training or knowledge.  We'll start you on the less involved documents that have been reviewed and you'll learn what to look for.  So, do you think you'd be interested? 

 Or do you have any questions? I do think from your resume and now this meeting that you will fit in rather well."  "I...I think I am interested. 

 How long does it take to train someone?"  "It can depend on a lot of variables. Several weeks to several months, although I would guess that even our more experienced workers are still learning."  "I am a little curious, why do you think I'd be a fit?"  "Well, if I remember correctly you do have some college credits, and your work history seems to be good, as you've worked summer jobs for several years and part-time during your college year.  

And I've found over the years that certain people seem to have a better attention to the detail, they seem to pick it up more quickly. I'm hoping it applies to you."  

Ashley decided it was now time as she said, "Um, I have to tell you something about me. I believe I would really like to accept the job, but there's something you need to know about me."  

He looked at her with a rather tender look and smile and said, "I think I know what you're going to say, and it does not matter.  

As a company, we cannot ask about any personal issues that are not public records.  We, of course, can do a background check on prospective employees and we do require that you take an employment drug test, but all that is standard in the country today."  

"I understand, but I still think you should know.  I have male...."  

"I apologize for cutting you off, but any personal information that should not affect how you're able to do the assignments that we ask of our employees is not something that we need to discuss and it is against company policy to ask for certain personal information.  

I do have a question or two for you, though. How did you find us? Were you referred by a current employee, perhaps?"  

"No, I simply applied for a job, and you asked for a photo and Mr. Austin called me for an interview."  "Oh, hmmm, I see. That's interesting. You know, I think there's somebody who you may want to talk to, let me give her a call and see if she's available."  

"Oh, um, okay."  He pulled out his phone and punched some buttons, and in a moment she heard him as he said, "Hello, Deirdre? This is Mr. Relsly."...

"Yes, hello.  I just got back from my trip and haven't had time to come up to the office, but I'm in the area.  

Do you have a few minutes available?"..."Yes, I'm interviewing a prospective employee. We're down in the coffee shop next door."..."Yes, that's right, Ashley Miller."..

."Oh, good, you've met her. Can you join us?"..."Great.  See in a bit.  Bye."  He turned back to Ashley and said, "I understand you've met Deirdre. She's our office manager.  I think it would be a good idea if you two had a talk.  She can explain some things probably better than I can, and when she gets here, I'll leave you two alone, and that way, you two can discuss whatever you both feel necessary in an informal basis.  How's that sound?"  

"Um, okay, I guess."  

"Good, good.  So, I should give you some details about the salary and benefits.  We'll start you at twenty-two thousand a year, with a raise at a year, assuming you're working to expectations.  

We have standard medical, dental, insurance, 401k, and health savings plans.  

We do reimburse for continuing education.  The medical plan does have some additional benefits most other companies don't have yet."  Ashley thought, 'That's a little less salary than what Mr. Austin offered, but this sounds like a much better job, and it's still more than I was expecting or hoping.  

If Deirdre is as nice and decent as Mr. Relsly here, I will have to seriously consider accepting his offer.  I just don't know why he won't let me explain myself.  And I really don't know if I should stay as Ashley, but would he want me as Ash?  

Maybe being Ashley isn't that bad...but I'm still not sure I can keep making it work.  

Why can't I just decide?'  They talked for a little longer until Deirdre arrived.  Almost as soon as she got there, and Mr. Relsly introduced them, he left.  Deirdre started if off, "I thought Mr. Austin hired you."  

"He did, in a way, I guess, yesterday afternoon, but when I came back this morning, well things got a little difficult and I sort of walked out, about the same time he told me I was being let go."  She pondered that for a moment, keeping eye contact and replied, "I wondered what happened.  I had thought he would bring you around to introduce you to everyone.  

But, to tell the truth, I'm glad however it happened, that you're not working for him.  He can be quite difficult at times.  

I'm sure you had a good reason, and maybe sometime over drinks we can talk about it, but I'm happy you and Mr. Relsly got together. He's been a very good boss, and we all like him a lot."  

Ashley gave a brief explanation to Deirdre about how she met Mr. Relsly and that he offered her a job.  "So are you going to accept it?  From what little I've seen of you, I think you will fit in here."  

Ashley took a breath and said, "There's something I tried to tell Mr. Relsly about myself but he wouldn't let me, and then suggested that you and I might want to talk about it."  

She smiled at Ashley and said, "Okay, I'd be happy to talk about whatever you feel important."  

Ashley took a deep breath, worried that she will be outing herself with unknown consequences but at the same time feeling a little more comfortable with Deirdre, and said, becoming much quieter at the end, "Well, um, you see, I, um, have, uh...male parts."  

She dropped her eyes in a little embarrassment and hoped that Deirdre would stay as nice as she had been so far.  She glanced back to see Deirdre still just smiling.  Not appearing at all surprised, which surprised Ashley, Deirdre replied, "Oh! I wondered about that for a moment. It doesn't really matter if that helps you any.  So, do you happen to know anyone here? 

 Did someone here refer you?"  Ashley was a little surprised by this line of question, sounding like what Mr. Relsly asked, but replied, "No, I just applied here like I did a lot of places around town.  I really need a job.  You see, although my application form and resume didn't ask for my gender, I was asked for a photo, which I thought showed I was, um, well...male.  

So far, everyone has been treating me like how l now look, like I'm a natural female. Most all very decently by the way.  But I initially applied everywhere as a...well, um, male, at least ...I thought."  

"Okay! Well, that's interesting.  Right now we have five young women in the section and several of them are transgendered.  Can I ask if you're transitioning?"  "Um, yes, you can, and, if I understand that word, I'm not...or I wasn't, um, thinking about it."  

"Oh! You do pass quite well, I should say.  I only wondered if you were transitioning because Marilou, the young woman you'd be replacing has completed her surgeries. She found this place a little over a year ago, and has been referring young tg girls since. I was her first referral. 

I thought maybe you were also referred." 

 She paused for a brief moment, seemingly collecting her thoughts, then asked, "I don't exactly know how to ask this, are you transgendered?"  "Well, um...I...I'm not sure," she replied.  

"Hmm, maybe I didn't use the right word. I don't want to offend you in any way, and I hope I'm not.  You're presenting as a female, but you say that underneath you're a male.  Are you a cross-dresser?"  

"I'm sorry, I really don't...I mean, it's just...," she hesitantly replied as it was obvious to Deirdre that she was blushing.  Deirdre softly put her hand over Ashley's for a moment and said, "Ashley, that's all right, really. It can be confusing.  

And I will admit, I was that way once, so maybe I understand a little of what you're going through.  

So, can I ask you a few questions about it? Only if you're comfortable with me asking? If not, that's all right."  

Deirdre's demeanor was so open and friendly, so non-judgmental that Ashley felt she could open up, maybe just a little, and she replied, "No, you can ask.  I've just never...well, I'm just not sure." 

 As Ashley said that she thought, 'Is Deirdre transgendered? She sort of admitted to it, I think.  She looks like any young woman I've ever met. I'm not sure of anything now.'  

"So, okay, let me ask, do you have feelings every so often that you might be female, while you're dressed as a male?"  

Ashley again became a little embarrassed, but answered quietly but truthfully, "Um, yes."  

"Let me guess here, you've had them as long as you can remember, like back to childhood?"  "Yes."  

"And there are times you want to try to get them out of your head, make them just go away, but they always come back?"  

"Um, yes?" Ashley replied, now seriously wondering how Deirdre knew these things about her.  

"And there have been times when you've wanted to give in to those feelings and desires, maybe see what it's like, and maybe even experimented a little? Possibly like you're doing now?"  

Ashley was now shaking a little and her breathing was increasing as she acknowledged these questions, and almost whispered, as she also was feeling embarrassed, "Y.yes."  

"And sometimes afterward you've felt really, oh, exhilarated, truly alive, and sometimes, ashamed?"  Ashley could barely speak as she barely could get an 'Uh huh," out.  "But now that you're appearing as a young woman and, it would seem, being accepted, you're somewhat confused, but, and this is the big question, you feel...like maybe it sort of feels....right? 

Like maybe you've found yourself, but you don't know how to accept it?"  Ashley's breathing had become quite rapid as all this was just going too fast for her.  Here was someone talking to her and saying all the things that she had been experiencing for years.  

How, how did she know this?  

"Yes...it.it does. I don't... But, how. how do you know this? How are you able to tell me about...my secrets?"  "Ashley, this is something most all us transgendered girls have gone through, t-girls for short.  

Yes, even me.  And for a lot of years, like you, I'm guessing, I thought I was all alone with these thoughts and feelings, and desires.  

There was nobody I could talk to, not even my family.