The Women's Job - I Don't Have a Choice - Chapter 11

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And then one of the girls in the office needed a roommate for a two-bedroom up on the north side in Greenbrier, so I moved up there a little while ago with her.  It's so much nicer than the place I had, and my roommate, Lauren, is really nice, too." 

"That is a nice section of town. So, is she, um,..." 

"Is she, what?" Ashley asked in a very open and friendly way.  

"Well, um, is this the right word? A trans, um, something? Like you?"  

"It's really not for me to say, she's one of the girls who I work with, and when I was hired, she came to me and asked if I would share an apartment with my own bedroom.  

We have become good friends, and we like each other a lot and we've shared things about each other. It's just not for me to tell others who or what she is. She deserves her privacy, like I do like you do. I hope you understand.  And we respect each other's privacy. 

I'm telling you now about me because I want to." 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry." 

"That's all right, I understand. 

Lots of wrong attitudes of what trans people like me are really like.  

We're no different than any others, except having one gender showing on the outside and the other gender clawing to get out on the inside.  Just like others, we like some privacy; it'd be like whether one should tell others if they have some non-transmittable ailment like cancer or even a toothache.  

Of course, just like the rest of the world, for instance, many are hetero like I am, although some could be lesbians."  

"Does that mean you'll date a guy eventually?"  

"I can't tell the future at all, but yes, I would like to have a relationship with some guy, if there's one out there that may decide he likes me enough to overcome my limitations." 

"If you decide to and would like some pointers or thoughts, I'd be happy to help you."  

"Thanks, Bailey, that's so nice of you.  I should mention that before I moved to Greenbrier, I had coffee with a guy, Erik...with a k."  

She smiled at that with a small chuckle and then continued, "I met him at the drugstore. He works behind the counter.  He's really a nice guy, but had started dating some girl after I first met him. 

We still sometimes talk on the phone and have stayed friends. I've also double-dated my roommate and her boyfriend, several times with different guys each time, although nothing at all happened.  

They were nice times, but we didn't see each other again."  

"That's wonderful, Ashley!  

That's how you do it, starting like that. 

You know, I think you're really cute, and if and when you decide to jump in all the way, I don't think you'll have any trouble having guys ask you out like that Erik, or those other dates. I assume you didn't tell any of them.  

Will you tell whoever you do date?"  

"Not for just coffee or a single date, I didn't tell any of them. That's a decision we girls all have to face at one time or another.  Some girls do go stealthily, change their names, give up their past lives, move somewhere else, and basically start new as a female.  

I'd want to feel the relationship is going somewhere and feel really good about the guy, so yes, I would tell him.  

It would just be a decision as to how soon in the relationship.  I do expect some rejections.  It goes with territory, they say." 

"That's brave of you, I would hope it works."  

"So do I. This has been really nice, Bailey. Thank you so much for coming listening, and accepting. But, looking at the time, I do have to get back to work. Thank you again for meeting me and being my sister. It means so much to me that you accept me."

  "Yes, it has been really nice, and looking at you, and talking to you, you appear so confident, so sure of yourself.  I think you should have a little problem going forward.  

And I'll be expecting your call about talking to Logan.  

I'll disown him if he says anything bad about or to you."  Ashley said, "Thank you," as they got up to go with Ashley paying for both of them which Bailey appreciated. 

After walking out together, they each had to go in a different direction, and as they were saying their goodbyes, Bailey gave Ashley a little hug which Ashley returned, and they both smiled at each other knowing they would remain close for a long time to come. 

Now that Ashley did feel that confidence that Bailey saw and that at least one of her siblings was supportive, she felt a little better about talking to Logan, especially with Bailey next to her.  

It took some doing, but something unexpected happened that helped.  Like with Bailey, she had called Logan using her Ash voice, which he seemed to accept, and set up a time to meet with him. 

He agreed but seemed even more interested when she told him Bailey would also be there, happy that he'd see his two siblings whom he hadn't seen in several months.  Bailey also called him the day before to remind him.  

A few days later at a different restaurant than where Ashley and Bailey met, both young women were at a table waiting for Logan when Bailey said, "I can't really tell how Logan may make the changes you're going through, but I have an idea on how I can help." 

"What's that?" Ashley asked.  "When he comes in, let me do the initial talking.  I want to get him into a position where he'll have to listen, and can't just run away if he doesn't like it."  

"Please don't do anything rash, Bailey, I would hope that he'll be nice enough to listen and consider everything.  If he doesn't, I don't want to have it cause a scene or have him leave having bad feelings towards you."  

"Don't worry, I won't go that far, just support me when he first comes in." 

"Okay, I can do that.  I hope it works."  

When Logan finally arrived and came up to the table, it was obvious he didn't recognize Ashley at all as he smiled at both young women who were sitting across from one another, and then said to his sister, "Hi Bailey, been some time, you're looking good, and who's your gorgeous friend?" He then glanced at Ashley with a smile which made her blush a little.  

Bailey slid out from the booth and said, "We'll do introductions in a moment.  Here, I'd like to sit next to my brother, so please slide in there if you would." 

"Um, okay, but I will need to get out in a bit." 

"That's okay," Bailey replied after Logan slid in, she then sat next to Logan, which was her plan.  Ashley understood right away what Bailey was doing to ensure that Logan would listen for a little while.  

Once seated, Bailey started it, "Logan, this is Ashley and she's more than a friend." 

"Hi, Ashley," he said with a big grin, reaching out to shake hands, which Ashley returned.  He glanced back at Bailey.

 "Are you two, um..."  

Before he could finish, Ashley took a huge breath and said, "Hi, Logan, I was Ash, your brother...now I hope you'll accept me as your sister."

 "Uh...what? Um, you're my...brother?  You've got to be kidding."  He turned to Bailey, "She's my brother?"  

"Yes, and you'd better be nice to her because she is no longer your brother, she is now your sister. And you can ask her anything you like."  "I...I'm sorry, this is so sudden, I mean, well, ..."  

"Yes," said Ashley, "I don't doubt you're shocked.  

But this is who I am and have been since I can remember."  

She then told her story to Logan, who she could see was having a hard time accepting what he was seeing and hearing.  

And then, that something happened. Another young woman showed up at the table and said, "Hi, Logan.  Here I am. 

So, which one is your sister? And you said your brother was also coming?"  Logan started to ask Bailey to move, but she continued as she slid in next to Ashley, "No, no, you can stay there, there's an open seat right here. I'll be fine here." 

"Hi," she said taking both Bailey and Ashley in with her smile, "I'm Annie."  Before Ashley or Bailey could say anything, Annie then looked at Logan with a smile, "I'm his fiancée."  

And she reached out her left hand and showed them her engagement ring.  Ashley was the first to respond as Annie directed her hand more towards Ashley at first, and said, "Oh, my, that's really beautiful. Congratulations.  

Oh, and I'm Ashley, Logan's sister."  "Nice meeting you, Ashley," she said as they shook hands, "but, I'm sorry, I thought your name was Bailey?"

  Bailey now piped up, "Hi Annie, I'm Bailey, also Logan's sister, let me say that it's really nice to finally meet Logan's girlfriend and see a ring on your finger. Congratulations." 

Turning to Logan she said, "It's about time, Logan."  Annie looked at both women and then at Logan, "Didn't you tell me you had one sister?"  

He rolled his eyes as he said, "Well... I guess I have two."  Ashley then said to Annie who appeared really perplexed, "Let me explain."  

Which she did.  Partway through the explanation, Annie interjected, "I want you to know that I do understand what you're going through, Ashley, at least a little.  

I have a cousin, a second cousin, I think, who is now into transitioning and I had a long talk with her, and I want to say that I find it so positive that you're willing to do what you can to get your mind and body to match.  Good for you."  

With his fiancée fully accepting Ashley, with a little hesitation, Logan now also accepted Ashley as his sister. 

The four then had a very enjoyable lunch sharing their stories as well as their joy in meeting Annie as they would soon be related.  In talking about the wedding which was planned for about seven months later, Annie mentioned that she and Logan were planning a fairly big wedding.  

She finished by asking, "I know I would and I think Logan, too, would like you both to be a part of our wedding as bridesmaids.  Would you two?" 

Bailey quickly replied, "I would love to, and I'm sure you would too, Ashley."  Caught up in the moment and more than a little surprised, Ashley replied, "Oh, my, yes! I'd love to, thank you so much!"  

They parted with Ashley feeling really good about herself and her family.  Both Bailey and Logan and now Logan's fiancée accepted her, which she hoped would continue with the rest of her family.  

She thanked Bailey immensely for being so supportive and helpful. And she was absolutely thrilled that she had been asked to take part in a wedding, as a woman, as a bridesmaid.  

She could barely contain her joy.  Getting together with Harper was more difficult because of the distances, but when he came back to town to visit, Ashley got Bailey and Logan, as well as Annie, to be with her when she told Harper.  It took a little more convincing by the four of them for Harper to come around, although he still expressed strong reservations. 

"Look, I understand a little what you're doing, but I'll have to think about it, maybe read up on it some.  

I'm certainly not going to reject anyone in our family for choosing a different lifestyle since it's not like drugs or booze or other anti-social or possibly destructive behaviors.  I'll just have to think on it, and if you don't mind, I may have some questions."  

"Harper, you can call me, text me, or we visit anytime you want, I'll do my best to give any honest answer I can."  It did take him some time to come around, with their distance apart being part of it, but when he finally did, it was for one of the biggest moments in Ashley's life. 

But that was still some time away.  Feeling a lot better about how she was being accepted by her family, Ashley finally decided it was time to come out to her mother, and this time it would be just the two of them.  

She planned to meet her mother at her mother's house when Frank was at work.  This way, she felt her mother would feel more at ease and relaxed, and Ashley could respond, and perhaps be considered, more as her now adult child.  

Calling her mother on a Tuesday morning, she said (trying to pull up her Ash voice), "Hi, Mom. If it's all right, I'd love to come over to your home and visit a little this afternoon.  

I've got the time off because I'm ahead on my work, so I asked and my boss is letting me take off this afternoon."  "That would be wonderful, Ash.  It's been too long since I've seen you and we've had some time together.  I want to know all that you're doing and everything." 

 "Oh, I plan on telling you as much as you want to hear, maybe even more."  

"Yes, that would really be nice."  

"Good, I'll be there about 1 if that's all right? I do have to get back to work right now, so I stay ahead, see you then. I love you, Mom." 

 "That would be fine. 1 PM. I love you, too, Ash. See you then. Bye."  At 1PM, Ashley was on the front porch of her parent's house, as nervous as anything, but knowing she had to do this.  

She rang the bell and waited, trying to keep her nerves in check.  Her mother opened the door, gave the sort of a blank look to this young woman standing and smiling in front of her, and said, "Yes? May I help you?"  

Ashley took a deep breath and hoped for the best, and said, "Hi...Mom. I'm Ash, your son, would it be all right if I came in and we talked about it?"  Her mother looked at Ashley with that blank expression and said, "You...you're Ash? My son? I...no, wait, are you in costume? In the theater or something?"  

"I'd love to tell you everything, Mom, but it would be so much easier if I could come in and we could sit down. But, if you don't want to, we can sit on the porch here, or...I guess I don't have to stay if you don't want me to."  Mrs. Walters looked at Ashley for a long moment, then sort of exhaled a little and relaxed and said, "No, please don't go.  

Come in, I would like to know more."  

Ashley was already missing the usual hug she was hoping for, as her mother opened the door and motioned her in.  She said, "Thanks, Mom.  It's been really hard not telling you, I've wanted to for a long time, but I had to do some things first.  I hope you'll understand." 

 "I'll try. We can sit here in the living room." 

"Mom, how about at the kitchen table like we've done so many times in the past, here and in our last home on Central."  

Her mother looked at Ashley with a small smile that was slowly growing, "I'd like that a lot.  Yes, we did have some nice conversations here. Can I get you anything?" 

"Um, if you have a Diet Coke, I'd love that, but if you don't, coffee or water even would be nice." 

"I was hoping you'd come by, as I've been saving a few bottles for you." She pulled one out of the refrigerator and poured Ashley a glass.  

"Thanks, Mom, I knew I could count on you for this." 

"I'm always ready to see my children, even if you do look so different. So, I guess before I start with all the questions I have, maybe you should tell me what all has happened to you, to get you to this." 

 Ashley then explained to her mother most of her story, getting the job at Johnston Industries, meeting other girls like herself, and learning to understand herself and what she was.  She talked about the feelings she had growing up, and how she kept them hidden.  

She explained that she had been seeing a therapist and a doctor for several months and was in the process of scheduling her surgery.  

After Ashley answered most of the questions her mother had about surgery and seeing a therapist, her mother said, "You were mostly a happy child, Ash, but I could tell there were moments where I did wonder what you were thinking, what was bothering you, but you usually got happy again, and you hardly ever got into trouble or anything, so I just let it go, thinking, well, maybe that's just how you are."  

"Yes, I remember. I tried to hide it for years, that's why I didn't go out with girls that much. I always liked them and all, like I do now, as friends, good and close friends, but I just didn't see myself as their boyfriend. 

It just didn't feel right. But now, how I am, how I feel, and everything. I'm just about as happy as I could possibly be.  

I have a wonderful job, a great boss, I have lots of girlfriends, and we all go shopping together, and go out after work together, and I feel, well, I feel so right now."  

"You know, after having Harper and Logan, I was sort of hoping for a little girl, and then..."  

"No, Mom, I don't mean to interrupt you but I see where you're going. That's not at all how it works.  

Mothers can hope all they want, but it's how the genes come together, how certain things happen during pregnancy, right at the beginning when you're not even sure you're pregnant.  

Your body, your and my dad's genes, they mostly come together normally, but sometimes, things happen inside, at the basic level, that you or anyone can't control, almost immediately. 

Nobody's sure exactly how it all happens yet, and most babies come out normal, a few come out with certain issues, some come out gay, and a few come out like me. The mind of one and the body of another.  

Nowadays, if the person wants, things can be straightened out. Not perfectly, but enough so the person, me, for instance, can feel right.  And I so do. I absolutely do."  

"Oh, I didn't know."  

"Mom, don't feel you did anything wrong. In fact, you did everything I could imagine, right for what you and I and anyone else knew.  

You taught me right from wrong, to be responsible for my own actions, to respect people and their things for those who deserve it, and mostly you gave your love to me.  I have always loved you, Mom.  

I've always thought you were the greatest Mom in the world. And I still do."  

Ashley could see that her mother appreciated those compliments.  

Mary then said, "Can I ask you this? Are you truly happy with what you've done?" 

 "Yes, Mom, as I said, this is just about the best thing I've ever done. I am not just happy, but I'm more comfortable with who I am than I have ever been. It didn't quite start that way, but once I started, well, with each day, I more and more realized this is truly what I am and I want to be for the rest of my life."  

"Oh, Ash....ley.  It will take me a little to get used to that, but I think I understand now.  So I now have two daughters and two sons.  

I guess that you're all healthy and seemingly happy, successful in your own way, that's what I would hope for any of my children. And that you all four are, that's as much as I could possibly hope."  

"Thank you, Mom, I'm so happy you feel that way."  

"Well, you all are my children. I wouldn't have had any of you if I didn't want you. I wanted all of you, and you all are making me feel so proud.  Do your sister and brothers know?"  

"Yes, I've already told them and they're mostly supportive.  

"That's good. Oh, are you going to tell Frank? Should I?"  

"I'll have to tell him.  I don't know exactly when yet.  I know he can be difficult at times, it will just depend on how things go."  

"Yes, I understand.  I can't tell you how he'll react.  He is a little opinionated, but I do love him."  

"Good, Mom, please keep doing so, regardless of how he may feel about me.  It's something he and I will just have to work out.  I'm hoping we can. Like I have already done with Bailey and Logan, and I'm doing with Harper.  

He's taking a little longer, but I'm sure he'll come around."  

"I can talk to Harper if you'd like me to.  I might be able to help him accept you." 

 "Thank you for the offer.  You can try, just don't push him too hard.  I want you all to accept me because you believe in me and support me because you can see how happy I am now."  

"Yes, I can see that, Ashley. Oh, you know Logan is getting married. Annie is her name. Late February I believe."  

"Yes, I've already met her, and she asked both me and Bailey to be attendants at her wedding."  Mary smiled, "Oh, that is so nice of her and Logan, to include you both. I think Harper will be an usher too."  

"Yes, it is."  

"I am such a lucky woman to have two handsome sons and now two beautiful daughters.  And I love you all dearly.  I'm such a lucky mother."  

She stood up and opened up her arms to Ashley who then with tears coming, embraced her mother back saying, "Like I'm a lucky daughter to have such a loving mom. 

Thank you, Mom. Thank you so much."  And they held that embrace for a few moments, moments that Ashley absolutely loved, now knowing that her mother fully accepted her.  

When they broke apart, Ashley asked, "Mom, if you'd like, whatever weekday is convenient, I'd love to have you come into town and have lunch with me.  We can also go shopping, too, if you'd like?"  

Ashley's mother looked at her with a slight smile and replied, "You'd like to go shopping with me? I'd love to.  I do remember a little boy who absolutely hated it."  Ashley giggled a little and said, "Mom, that was pretty much just an act.  

There were a few times when I badly wanted to go with you, but to look at clothes for girls.  

I just don't think you would have understood then and I didn't want to be reminded of my dreams and yearnings, thoughts that I was sure would never come to pass.  I was so much trying to be the boy everyone expected of me, you know, a boy who would spit and swear, hang out with other boys and get into fights, pull girls' pigtails.  

But I could never do that, it just didn't seem right. Now, with how I feel and am, I can't wait to have you help me shop in the young women's section, or help you pick out whatever suits your fancy."  

"Then, let's plan on it."  Ashley and her mother talked for a while more before she finally had to leave.  She now felt really at peace with herself knowing that her family, except for her father whom she knew she would eventually have to tell, accepted her.  

Sure, Harper was taking a little longer, but she just knew he would eventually come around.  With all that weight off her shoulders, she now focused fully on her work.