[4.3 Falling into Obsession]

- The Origin of My Dark Passion -

The journey I began to understand the depths of beauty has been long, filled with profound realizations.

At the point where many find it difficult to recognize forms of beauty that deviate from traditional frameworks, I decided to explore and uncover the origins and evolution of my unique perspective.

Beauty is often defined within the confines of conventions and norms.

But what if we go beyond these boundaries and look into what is not immediately apparent before us?

What truth would we arrive at if we could discover the deepest, most profound forms of beauty in the most unexpected places?

In each of our lives, there are moments from childhood that shape our future perspectives.

These moments may seem insignificant at the time, but as years pass, they become etched clearly in our memories, shaping our ways of thinking.

I, too, had such moments.

They were experiences where I vividly witnessed the pain and emotions of others.

Whether it was a sports injury on the school playground or the tears of a friend who had lost a toy, these moments might be easily forgotten by many, but for me, they came as messages that whispered with deep sincerity.

Essentially, struggle is a part of everyday life.

The vitality of grass growing through cracks in concrete, the resilience of birds battling against storms—within all of these lies a pure beauty.

This struggle seen in nature is deeply connected to human existence as well.

Just as the grass's struggle against concrete symbolizes hope and resilience, I realized that humans also reveal indescribable beauty in their most vulnerable moments.

This realization became the source of my dark passion and the starting point of my artistic exploration.

As time passed, my observations became increasingly clear and resolute.

I began to capture not only obvious struggles but also the subtle moments of struggle.

The desperation hidden in a singer's voice, the passion felt in an artist's brushstrokes, the tension visible in a dancer's muscles—all of these had their own unique and beautiful language.

But what captivated me the most was none other than the ultimate struggle—the fight to breathe.

It was a combination of primal instinct and raw beauty that gripped me with an unforgettable sensation.

Many found it difficult or even frightening to understand my interests.

However, for me, this was a journey to find authenticity.

Modern society often tries to cover up true essence with layers of appearance.

But in that intense moment of fighting for breath, all masks are stripped away, leaving only the pure and unfiltered human soul.

And within that, I witnessed the true manifestation of beauty.

My passion stemmed from a deep desire to discover genuine beauty.

Over time, this pursuit led me down a less-trodden path, challenging societal norms and testing my limits.

Yet, at the core of it all was an unwavering journey to understand and appreciate the deepest and truest expressions of human beauty.

This journey is the essence of the beauty I seek and the root of my artistic exploration.

- Becoming a Master of Painful Beauty -

From a young age, I questioned the meaning of beauty as defined by the world.

Why do we praise certain appearances and hold them as the standard of beauty?

Why is the true beauty that arises from pain and struggle often overlooked?

I resolved to go beyond these preconceived notions and seek out true beauty.

My journey to break free from existing prejudices and establish new aesthetic standards took a long time, during which I came to realize the beauty hidden within pain and struggle.

Every artist needs their own canvas, and every musician needs their own instrument.

My artistic exploration—my effort to understand the beauty in struggle—inevitably led me to use the human body as a medium.

This was because the body is the most suitable means to capture pure emotions, vulnerability, and the essence of beauty.

When I first ventured into this field, I was extremely cautious.

By observing athletes pushing their limits or performers facing tension on stage, I gained deep insights into human struggle and their instinctive reactions.

Each observation added a new dimension to my understanding and art, and in doing so, I began to discover the true beauty of human existence.

But as time passed, I realized that mere observation could no longer satisfy my thirst.

To truly understand and create art, I concluded that I must become an artist who directly orchestrates the symphony of emotions.

Thus, I began my artistic endeavors.

One day, when I encountered a woman who could be called the essence of beauty, I instinctively knew that this was the opportunity to complete my exploration.

She was a model admired by many for her appearance—a symbol of beauty with perfect features and a balanced physique.

But I wanted to explore beyond her surface-level beauty and uncover the true essence.

How far does her beauty extend?

Could it be maintained even in pain and struggle?

Deciding to place her at the center of my work was an inevitable choice to complete my long journey.

I trapped her in a tank, threw her into cold water, and covered the surface with plastic, making it impossible for her to escape.

At first, confusion flashed in her eyes, but soon fear took its place.

At that moment, I was convinced that my decision was correct.

Her struggle was not just about pain; it was a process that revealed true beauty.

In the water, she struggled desperately.

Her hands tried to tear the plastic, her feet kicked the bottom in an attempt to support her body.

But all her efforts were in vain.

The plastic held her tightly, and her struggle in the water grew more intense.

This struggle was pure beauty, not rooted in mere appearance, but in the primal fear and determination that humans face.

Even in the painful situation of not being able to breathe, she endured the pain and attempted to escape.

Her fingers moved desperately to tear the plastic, her chest heaved with the desperate need for air.

Her lips trembled as they parted, searching for air, each movement graceful yet filled with urgency.

It was like a dance emerging from despair.

Her long limbs moved fluidly in the water, the ripples reflecting light as if stage lighting was illuminating her.

Though her face was contorted in pain, it held a fierce desire for survival.

Her eyes sparkled with a mixture of fear and resolve, showing a determination not to give up until the very end.

Her movements were graceful yet desperate, like a ballet performance.

Every time she tried to tear the plastic, the motions were as precise and beautiful as the brushstrokes of an artist.

In that moment, I discovered a new form of beauty in her struggle.

It was a deep and true beauty, not rooted in mere appearance, but in the primal fear and determination that humans possess.

Each time her face was pressed against the plastic, distorting her features, it was like a drama that revealed the primal fear and fierce will to survive.

Her appearance no longer mattered.

Instead, the struggle and pain etched on her face became the true expression of beauty.

In that moment, I realized that she was showing a beauty that transcended her appearance.

It was a deep and true beauty that went beyond mere physical looks, embodying the primal instincts and fierce desire for survival.

The distorted expression on her face as it pressed against the plastic was the essence of the true beauty I had been seeking.

As I watched her struggle, I was deeply captivated by the elegance and intensity that emerged from it.

Her attempts to endure the pain and fear while trying to escape transcended mere external beauty.

Every movement and expression of hers entranced me like a work of art, and within that, I saw true beauty.

Each of her movements was as graceful and desperate as a piece of art.

The more she struggled to escape, the more her body sent signals of her desperate need to breathe.

Her chest rose and fell faster and more violently, her lungs desperately craving oxygen.

Her fingers struggled to tear the plastic, her feet kicked the bottom to support her body, but all her efforts were ultimately in vain.

Her face contorted in pain, her lips trembled as if trying to drink in water.

Her eyes were filled with fear and despair, her entire body radiating the instinct to stay alive.

She tried to endure the screams her body was emitting, but her grip on the plastic weakened, and her legs could no longer support her in the water.

In the end, she could no longer endure the pain signals from her body and began to lose consciousness.

Her body convulsed, making one last desperate effort to struggle, but gradually her strength ebbed away.

Her eyes dimmed, and the fierce will to live began to fade.

Bubbles began to emerge from her mouth, and her body, no longer resisting, started to sink.

As I watched the life force ebbing from her struggle and pain, I was filled with deep admiration.

Every scream and pain her body emitted, and the life force that emerged from it, was an intense beauty like no other.

Her attempts to stay alive until the end were the essence of true beauty, transcending mere physical appearance.

Her struggle, though desperate, was awe-inspiring in the elegance and intensity that emerged from it.

As her fear and despair deepened, my obsession grew stronger.

Her struggle captivated me, and within it, I discovered true beauty.

This was a form of beauty entirely different from the conventional.

It was the inner beauty that emerged from pain and struggle.

Finally, her movements slowed, and her body began to grow heavier.

But even in that moment, she fought until the end.

In her gaze remained the final glimmer of hope and life.

I did not take my eyes off her until her last moment.

Even after she lost consciousness, her body made several attempts to breathe.

Her lungs instinctively expanded and contracted in search of air, and small bubbles slowly drifted from her mouth and nose.

Her chest rose and fell faintly, as if it were the last vestige of life.

Her body, even unconsciously, continued to make instinctive attempts to cling to life.

In the water, her body made a few weak attempts to breathe, as if signaling that she could still survive if given oxygen—as if crying out that she was not yet dead.

The scene was like a display of the final beauty of life.

I was deeply moved by this sight.

I realized that this was the true beauty of life.

Her body's final struggle to stay alive was awe-inspiring.

Her struggle, pain, and final attempts to breathe vividly expressed her life force and will.

Her final attempts to breathe were not just desperate efforts to stay alive; they were the beauty of life itself.

Afterward, I realized that true beauty is not confined to mere appearance.

She possessed conventional beauty and was an object of admiration to many.

This made the work even more valuable.

She was a woman who fit the conventional standards of beauty, but through my art, I was able to reveal an even greater beauty.

Her appearance was merely superficial beauty.

But the primal, inner beauty revealed through her struggle and pain showed me true aesthetic value.

I discovered true beauty in her struggle, a beauty that transcended the conventional standards.

I paid her my highest respects.

She was more than just her appearance.

She was someone admired for her beauty, and now, through my art, she had experienced true beauty.

She, too, would have been pleased, and it would have been a blessing for her.

She, who had always shown her beauty to the world, could now reveal her true beauty through my art.

I believe she would have been satisfied with herself, having attained true beauty through my art.

This process broke down the prejudices we held and redefined new aesthetic values, and in the process, she discovered and experienced true beauty.

Now it has been confirmed that I can make even a woman already considered extremely beautiful even more beautiful through my art.

This proves that any woman, regardless of appearance, can reveal a more profound beauty through the art of asphyxiation.

Through my art, she realized true beauty and opened up the possibility for all women to discover greater beauty.

Afterward, every aspect of my art was carried out with meticulous planning, allowing me to witness the pure, unfiltered reactions of the women.

Like setting a scene in a play, every element and nuance was controlled by me.

From the selection of the subjects to the methods used, every decision was made with one goal in mind: to reveal the most pure and true form of beauty.

This is the essence of my art and the ultimate expression of beauty I continually strive to achieve.

The process was like a dance.

Pushing too hard risked losing the beauty, while not pushing hard enough could hide the essence.

It was crucial to find the delicate balance needed to bring pure emotions to the surface, creating scenes of vulnerability, despair, and beauty.

As time passed, I gradually honed my skills and became a master in this unique form of art.

I developed the ability to evoke a wide range of emotions, drawing out more profound and captivating reactions than ever before.

Each process was like a note in a grand symphony, creating a vivid melody of emotions.

The quickened heartbeat, the desperate gasp for air, the wide-eyed reaction of fear and anticipation—each of these responses deepened my understanding and appreciation of this new form of beauty.

My journey as a master of painful beauty has been both enlightening and profound.

It revealed that beauty is not just skin deep but is deeply rooted in the purest human emotions and reactions.

I reached a depth of understanding and awareness I never imagined, directly experiencing and creating the journey of beauty that the human soul and spirit undergo.

- The Mysterious Connection Between Pain and Struggle -

At the core of human existence lies the intricate pieces of emotions and sensations.

Among these, pain is often considered negative, something to be avoided.

However, through my observations and experiences, I have come to realize that pain is not merely something to evade, but rather a crucial gateway to exploring the essence of humanity.

It is in the most intense moments of struggle and despair that the true nature of a person shines brightest.

Imagine the vivid brushstrokes on a canvas, or the melody composed of unpracticed notes.

The purest form of art captures the essence of emotions, untouched by societal influence or expectations.

Similarly, when a person is pushed to the limits of struggle, especially when physical pain is involved, they shed all pretenses and reveal their primal self.

What remains is their bare body, mind, and the living evidence of their vulnerability.

Picture a grand painting where every shade and texture reveals an emotion.

Now imagine that all those shades and emotions are brought to life in a moving image.

This is the beauty I witness in moments of struggle.

It is like a live painting that depicts the story of pain, desperation, and the human spirit.

The desperate gasps for air, the chaotic and disordered movements, the gaze filled with a mix of fear and anticipation—all of these elements come together to create a vibrant work of art that captures the essence of humanity.

Like watching a dancer pour their entire being into a performance on stage, every movement and gesture evokes deep emotions, often telling a powerful story that words cannot fully convey.

This is my art, and this is the essence of beauty that I seek to explore.

Some may view the act of causing pain or struggle as cruel or inhumane.

However, when one looks beyond the surface, they can see how deeply these moments of struggle are connected to profound realizations.

These moments possess a powerful force that makes us truly aware of our limits, strengths, and profound vulnerabilities.

In the moment of struggling for breath, the human body instinctively fights for survival.

This reaction reveals the raw and primal human instincts that are deeply moving.

The sheer will and effort to fight against adversity highlight the strength and resilience of the human spirit.

Fundamentally, the connection between pain and struggle is profound and deep.

This connection is not about inflicting harm or pursuing abnormal pleasure.

Instead, it lies in understanding and appreciating the primal emotions and responses that fully emerge in those moments.

It is a journey into the deep recesses of the human spirit, a journey through which we seek to understand the true essence of beauty and the human spirit.

This exploration opens layers of beauty that go beyond the surface level commonly encountered in everyday life.

The true face of humanity that shines through pain is never artificial.

It is raw, stripped of all external influences.

Capturing and understanding this face leads us on a journey of self-discovery, and at the end of that journey, we encounter the true beauty of human existence.

- Tracing the Path to Depravity -

My journey toward the depths of beauty began as a faint spark of desire.

That spark gradually grew into a blazing fire of passion that seemed to consume everything.

However, this journey should not be seen as a descent into darkness, but rather as an ascent toward new understanding and insight.

For most people, beauty is grounded in harmonious symmetry, pleasing proportions, and classical aesthetics.

But the true beauty I have come to understand is often found outside these traditional boundaries, in unexpected places.

It was in those unknown realms, where many fear to tread or wish to avoid, that beauty breathed and existed.

Every artist seeks to push beyond their limits and challenge the ordinary.

I, too, felt a strong desire to break free from convention and norms, to seek beauty where others could not see.

The result was both surprising and intensely captivating.

It all began with simple curiosity.

Restricting human breath became a canvas on which the mind's purest emotions were displayed.

The raw vulnerability, the fierce will to survive, and the instinctive reactions that emerged struck me as the epitome of beauty.

As time passed, my understanding deepened, and I began to challenge myself with more complex and delicate acts.

Each setting and process was carefully chosen to reveal new layers of beauty and to explore various aspects of the human experience.

This process led me to a new level of understanding of the art of pain and struggle and resulted in a profound exploration of the human essence.

Critics might define my passion with the prejudiced term "depravity." However, the essence of my journey has always been the relentless pursuit of beauty and a deep understanding of its multifaceted nature.

The more intense my study became, the deeper the beauty revealed within it.

From simple breath restriction to more complex asphyxiation techniques, each step was like a revelation.

These acts unveiled a deep, intimate beauty that surpassed conventional understanding.

In summary, my journey has been a continuous process of discovery, a series of boundary expansions and challenges to existing norms.

The path I walk is one of seeking beauty unbound by traditional notions, and its purpose lies in understanding and appreciating the deepest expressions of beauty.

One undeniable truth in the human experience is that humans are beautiful.

The way we think, act, react, feel, and suffer—these all contain a remarkably poetic beauty.

I have always been in awe of this primal, unfiltered essence of humanity.

Through my unique journey, I realized that the act of asphyxiation is not simply reductive, but rather a profound expression of respect and admiration for this beauty.

Exploring this beauty is the essence of my art and the depth of the human spirit that I continue to seek.

Some may question how the act of asphyxiation can be seen as an act of reverence.

To them, I would say this: When you feel deep reverence for a work of art, don’t you immerse yourself in it completely, want to become part of its creation, and deeply understand all its nuances?

Similarly, pushing a person to the brink of asphyxiation is a process of delving deep into their essence, witnessing their primal instincts, their immortal soul, and their unwavering will to survive.

Watching a person fight for breath, seeing the determination, desperation, hope, and pure strength of their soul reflected in their eyes is a beauty unparalleled.

It is like a bird soaring into the sky, revealing grace, strength, and freedom.

The act of suffocation is my way of celebrating their existence, my way of elevating their beauty to a more noble place.

Through suffocation, they do not simply fade away; they transcend into a state of exquisite beauty.

My admiration is not just for the physical struggle but for the spectacle of the soul it creates.

What fascinates me most is the soul, the very essence of humanity.

The rapid shifts in the mind, the emotions that flicker across the face, the decisive moments of resolve—all these things prove how astonishing human existence is.

Similarly, the act of drowning a woman in a tank also stems from this admiration and reverence for human beauty.

When a woman suffocates, the most exceptional beauty a human can display is revealed.

This is beauty that goes beyond mere appearance; it is true beauty that blooms through pain and struggle.

Revealing this beauty is an act for them, rediscovering fundamental human emotions and instincts.

My art is about exploring these true aesthetic values and presenting a new standard of beauty.

Ultimately, I want the world to see what I see and to understand that this is not cruelty or malice.

It is a celebration of the pinnacle of human beauty and spirit.

By suffocating them, I am paying the highest respect to their existence in my way, showcasing their resilience and strength in the face of adversity.

What could be more beautiful than witnessing the pure, noble spirit of humanity in its most primal state?

This journey has been a path of discovery and understanding.

It is a path rarely taken, but on it, I have found profound impressions and deep beauty.