DE Vol. 1 pt. 74

Bettering relations with the Minogida might not have happened, but the disappointment I felt in that regard was overwhelmed by pride for Zira when I learned that she finally finished her game. Or rather, when I learned that she got the basics finished and was ready to actually play.

Even if her creation wasn’t my own, and even if we weren’t exactly that close of friends or anything, I still felt proud. There were few things greater in life than somebody accomplishing something that they set out to do. Seeing somebody achieve their goals was beautiful in almost every single situation. There were exceptions, of course, but those were based entirely off of personal preference. For example, I wouldn’t find anything beautiful about a serial killer reaching their goal of killing ten people. But if somebody wanted to bake a cake, create a game, pave their driveway, paint a new picture, or get themselves out of a depressive slump and make their bed for the first time in months, then I was going to be damn proud of them.

So even though I had practically zero actual interest in the game and was simply hoping that it might serve as a safer outlet for the Volcano Hounds’ energy, I still could not have been any prouder than I was.

But at the same time, I was worried. While I was proud of Zira’s achievement, the fact that she stood before me with such dead, emotionless eyes was a sign that she worked herself too hard.

And I failed by not trying to stop her sooner.

There were so few things for me to actually do in the day, and I did occasionally check up on her to make sure that everything was alright, but I never made her stop to take a break. Part of me didn’t want to interrupt her while she was in a good flow of things, but I also just… didn’t.

I saw her passion and drive to accomplish her project, and I didn’t want to interrupt that even though I knew she was sacrificing both her mental and physical health in pursuit of it.

Should I have? Making her relax would have delayed the project by a couple of days, but it also would have been forcing her into doing something that she didn’t want to do, and I was all about freedom. In the same way that I believed somebody had the right to eat nothing but burgers and pizza until they ballooned up to five hundred pounds if they wanted to, I believed that somebody had the right to work themselves into an early grave if that was truly what they wanted.

But seeing it in action was different.

Was it hypocritical? No, maybe that wasn’t the right word to use. But I felt like I wanted people to have the freedom to live however they wanted, but to still live in a way that… well, I personally found acceptable. For example, taxes. As any true American should, I always hated taxation. It was the government’s method of stealing money from the working class to waste on corruption. What I wanted instead was for everybody to willingly donate portions of their income to public services that benefitted everybody.

Being forced into paying the government money was bad. Willingly donating that same amount of money or even more to public services was good and to be praised.

Really, it was an issue of idealism. I wanted an ideal world without laws and rules… but I also wanted everybody to behave in a way that I believed was acceptable. It would be everybody’s right to commit crime if they wanted to, but nobody would ever choose to do so.

A world like that was impossible.

The question was really where I should draw the line. At what point should I step in to try and guide others toward my personal preferences on a personal level? In that way, dealing with a one-on-one relationship was more complicated than being the leader of a faction fighting for independence in a universal game of sorts. On the large scale, it was easy to tell people to be kind and respectful to one another and to live life how they wanted. On a personal level, at what point should I step in and say, “Hey, I’m worried about your health. You should take a day off?”

“Since when are you the type of man to stare at a girl’s chest like this?” Zira asked, grabbing my attention and making me realize that I tilted my head down enough to make it look like I was staring at her breasts as I got lost in my own thoughts.

“Don’t get me wrong, they’re nice enough to stare at, but I was just lost in thought,” I answered.

“I’m too tired to make any of the responses I just thought of to that.”

“Didn’t you just make one?”

“That one was fine.”

“I see. Anyways, you should take a break. You’ve more than earned it. If anything, you should have taken some breaks during it.”

“I’m not even done with it, so I’ll have to pass.”

“I thought you said you were?”

Zira sighed and placed a hand on my shoulder, looking me directly in my eyes. “Far from it. I said I have the basics done. Races, some class options, feats, weapons and armor, and the foundations for future systems. But… that’s it. I only have a few monsters added to the bestiary, only a couple of magic items, and then there’s all the expanded worlds and settings I have to work on. Not everybody is a homebrew fan who wants to create everything as they go. I need to make sure there are plenty of options available for anybody who might want to run a campaign without putting in all the effort to create their own settings, monsters, and items. Not to mention expansions. I need to create classes, sub-classes, add more options for what there already are… this is going to take me far, far longer than just a couple of weeks. Assuming I survive this game, I may even be working on it for decades after we earn our freedom.” Her blank expression broke. Instead of just looking lifeless, she smiled and started laughing… but it was the sort of laughter that somebody had when they were on the verge of going insane.

So similar to what she did, I placed my hand on her shoulder and looked into her eyes. “Zira, relax. You don’t need to think about all that. Right now, you should be proud of what you’ve already accomplished and give yourself a break. We’re not going anywhere anytime soon. You have plenty of time to work on it at a healthier pace for yourself.”

“It’s not like I have anything else to do, right? Might as well just—”

“Even if you don’t, you need a break. Everybody does. It isn’t healthy to dedicate every single second of your free time to something no matter what it is. Everybody needs balance.”

“I’m surprised to hear that from you. I would have thought you would encourage me to do whatever I want, as much as I want, so long as it is my own choice to be doing it.”

“You’re… not wrong. That was what I was thinking about before. I believe it’s within your right to do what you want, even if it’s to your own detriment, but I don’t want to see anybody suffer, either.”

I said she needed balance, but I couldn’t even balance my own beliefs.

I wanted my idealized world, or something as close as possible to it. That meant everybody had freedom to do what they want, but people would willingly choose to still be respectful, kind, and supportive of society at large. Somebody could be hateful toward another person, and it would be their right to do so, but nobody would choose to actually behave nor feel that way.

It was impossible to live in a world like that, though, without either so effectively brainwashing everybody from birth to be opposed to that, or to take away people’s free will to act in such a way.

Hypocritical. That’s what it was. I wanted everybody to act with freedom, but only so long as they behaved in a way I approved of. Sure, I talked up about something like somebody eating junk food until they gained hundreds upon hundreds of pounds, but I wouldn’t want anybody to actually do that.

“You’re doing it again,” Zira said.

Surely enough, my eyes were once more focused on her chest. “My bad. I get lost in my thoughts pretty easily.”

“I’ve noticed. You say that I should take a break, but are you sure that you’re not the one who needs one?”

“Me? No. It’s not like I’m doing anything. All I do is spend a few minutes each day checking up on the system and map, and then… I just distract myself until it’s time to sleep.”

“Yes. And you do so every single day without pause. You have not given yourself a single day where you selfishly laze about. While I understand your concern for me… I am doing this because it is what I genuinely have interest in doing. Honestly, I wish I would have thought of doing this sooner. I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that I have loved every moment of squeezing every last possible idea out from my mind for this game I am working on. Even when I sleep, my dreams are dedicated to working on creating new ideas for it. Does that sound like I need a break to you?”

“When you put it that way, I suppose not, but—”

“But you are incapable of judging me as my own person.”

I had to admit that I raised my eyebrows a little when I heard that. “What do you mean by that?”

“You are judging me as you would yourself. Is that not exactly what you are doing? You see somebody else working themselves to this degree, and you judge their behavior as if you were the one in their shoes. You are all too glad to see somebody else working themselves this hard so that you can suggest they take a break, yet you do not do the same for yourself. Either you are a hypocrite… or perhaps you are ashamed of your own subconscious desire for a break and wish somebody else would encourage you to take one.”

Admittedly, I got lost in staring at her again, but at least this time I managed to just stare her in her eyes.

I wanted to deny what she said, obviously. I didn’t want to consider that I was so unaware of my own feelings that I was going through all this inner debate just to avoid admitting that I wanted to take a break. Or maybe I was trying to justify that I wanted to take one and was trying to figure out where to draw a line for it?

At the same time, I was thinking about what a good leader should be like. If I was one of the Demons instead, and somebody else was leading our faction, then… I would want to be led by somebody who was behaving like me. I would want to be led by a person who did everything they could, always working their hardest, to increase our odds of winning as much as possible while also taking care of those working along their side. And if I wasn’t the leader, then I would be trying to encourage the leader to take a break to the best of my ability.

I would want the leader to want to lead all the time, but me, as somebody on the sideline, would also want to encourage the leader to take a break.

“I take it I scored a critical hit,” Zira teased. “Then before you have a chance to recover, allow me to make a demand. Take tomorrow off. First thing in the morning, resolve any system business you might have, and then take the rest of the day off. Don’t do a single thing you feel like you need to do or that you’re supposed to do. Instead… play a campaign with me and the others. Just take the day off, relax, and have some fun.”

Those were the exact kinds of words I would say to anybody else, yet hearing them directed at myself…

“You’re not allowed to say no,” Zira continued. “And if you must, consider it your duty. You care about all of us being happy and having as fun of a time as we possibly can, yes? Then consider taking the day off crucial to my health and enjoyment of our situation. If you do not take the day off, then my poor heart just won’t be able to handle it and I will spontaneously combust.”

“Since when did you get so dramatic?” I asked.

“Since seeing a man in desperate need of a break who fails to even realize it. Look, you even have bags under your eyes. I would have thought that Enna might say something about it to you… but apparently not. She may be even more socially inept than I assumed.”

I had to admit that while I did care about Enna, and I would never insult her… she was pretty socially awkward at times and didn’t quite… pick up on a lot of things. I almost felt like I was taking advantage of her a few times because of that. Talking to her about that was probably something that needed done.

That aside, I failed to really agree with Zira and to make sense of my own internal doubts, but I also knew that it wouldn’t hurt to just play along and take a day off. Maybe I actually did need one without realizing it. Even though I felt like I wasn’t doing anywhere near enough work to warrant wanting nor needing a day off, it might have been for the best to just go ahead and take one.

“Then it’s a plan,” I said. “You can teach me all about that game tomorrow.”

Zira, despite how tired she herself looked, laughed when she heard that. “Teach you about it? Tomorrow? Cute. No, I’ll be teaching you about it today. Tomorrow is our first proper session. Our first session will not be wasted teaching you how to play. So, whatever it is you might want to do today, finish it so that I can get started on teaching you the basics. You have… three hours. I’ll take a nap during that time.”

I never felt anxious over learning how to play a game before, yet… part of me felt nervous about whatever Zira planned on teaching me.