How to Handle the Holidays Alone

For most of my upbringing, I hated the holidays. They were chaotic and stressful, one of my primary care providers was always having a meltdown and as a child of divorce, it meant usually I was on a plane Christmas Day to go see the other half of the family. 

As an adult, I came to hate the holidays for different reasons. I hated them because the holidays are like technology or social media—they’re impossible to ignore and ultimately, I don’t think they’re good for you. It seems like any progress you make during the year on a diet, a routine, or a savings is completely destroyed in the six weeks between Thanksgiving and New Years. 

The holidays bully you into partaking and shun you if you don’t. They force everyone to stop everything they’re doing and revel in merrymaking and money spending and gratitude and joy. 

It doesn’t matter if you lost someone in the past year, recently got divorced or experienced devastating heartbreak, are struggling under the weight of financial hardship, attempting to get sober, battling an eating disorder or are wrestling with depression--the holidays are here and like a magnifying glass they will enlarge your suffering, your emptiness, your vices, your lack of self discipline, your grief and your loneliness.

Teamed up with capitalism and nostalgia, they will hold us emotionally hostage with stupid, tearjerking commercials that sell us images picture-perfect families—or even worse for those of us who are alone—tug our heartstrings with images of a lonely people eating at diners being comforted by the kindness of a young couple or a hardworking waitress on the graveyard shift who also happens to be a single mom.

I’ve been single, broke and living in a city 3000 miles away from my family for over a decade now—so I know a thing or two about solo holidays.  In fact, reclaiming the holidays in adulthood has been a challenge that brought completely unexpected rewards. 

One of the best Christmases I ever celebrated was alone in Los Angeles. I spent it reading the Harry Potter series and taking baths and going on long beach walks and acting like it was just another week but with no one in LA. It was fucking glorious.

Holiday loneliness and grief can feel immense but if we allow it, this time of year can be transformative; converting our loneliness into solitude is a painful, beautiful alchemy facilitated by the magic of the holidays.

Here are some tips from me and other lonely holiday warriors:

Volunteer

My friend said the other day, “If I think about myself a lot, I get depressed.” It was so simple but so true. Depression needs self-pity to thrive, so do your best to get out of that mentality as quickly as it crops up. An easy way to do this is by giving your time to people in need. Homeless shelters, youth organizations, rehabs, jails and nursing homes all welcome volunteers. If you can’t get out, try to write some letters to the troops with an organization like Operation Gratitude. Do something, anything that gets you out of self-obsession and whatever creeping part of your brain is telling you nothing matters and you don’t matter. You think I don’t know that voice? Oh I fucking know that voice well.

Reach out

Another way to get out of your self—use your phone as a phone. Call your random aunts and uncles and family members and wish them happy holidays. Call other friends you know might be alone. Call someone you know who might be grieving. However lonely you feel—I promise—someone out there is lonelier, more depressed, more heartbroken. Or go out in the world and do random acts of kindness. But someone’s coffee. Over-tip your waiter and ask them how they are doing. Reach out to people you know might be struggling through social media. The trick here is once again, to stop thinking about yourself.

And this also works the other way: if you’re truly struggling and depressed—reach out. To me on Twitter. To your best friend. To your parents or siblings. Someone out there cares, whether you believe that or not.

Say “yes” to invites

If you’re prone to isolation (like I am) taking contrary action is a good idea. One woman wrote, “I’d say don’t try to avoid it, that leads to dark places. Get out mingle, socialize. Nowadays nothing is ever closed. Go treat yourself to a good meal.” Do I want to dress up and go to that holiday party? Nope. But I will because otherwise I’m going to sit around and probably feel sorry for myself or worse yet, go down an internet rabbit hole…

Stay off Facebook & Instagram.

…You know exactly what I’m talking about, the kind of rabbit hole that starts with looking at all your friends perfect families on Facebook, their perfect meals and perfect ugly sweaters on Instagram and ends with you ugly cry while you watch the Top 10 Most Heartwarming Christmas Commercials Ever Made. DON’T DO IT. And if you must use social media, I highly recommend Twitter. It can be a garbage cesspool, but for some reason, probably because it’s a competition to see who can be the biggest know-it-all self-deprecating asshole, people are the most honest about where they are at—Twitter says what the other social media platforms are thinking. And during the holidays it’s a gosh darn relief.

Books and movie are your best friends

The great thing about holiday weekends and weeks is that everyone is collectively, off. So all those books you bought from Amazon and didn’t read? Now is a great time to read them. One man wrote, “I prepped for a day of pure laziness...I slow cooked food, binged on movies, chocolate and alcohol and just tried to be thankful for what I had.” Amen, brother. (Minus the alcohol—I can’t binge on that anymore.)

Get some fresh air

Nothing shifts my mood like a brisk walk in nature or a city. Fresh air is so important to mental health; doctors are beginning to prescribe it. Seth wrote, “Find a body of water that has ducks, and feed them. Not only are ducks awesome and hilarious, you get fresh air and an excuse to go outside. It's actually how I start every Sunday morning.”

Fricking chill and be grateful

A friend in Nigeria wrote, “Spending holidays alone can be therapeutic sometimes. An opportunity to move and live at your own pace for a few days (when you don't have to go to work). Constant electricity here is a dream, so you have to plan so that your battery lasts a bit.” 

If that doesn’t make you grateful for what you take for granted, I don’t know what will. But one of the best solutions to the holiday blues is to just treat it like any other weekend day. Be lazy. Play video games. Catch up on sleep. This too shall pass and pretty soon, you’ll be back to the grind, wishing you had this time back.

Lean into the loneliness…but not too far.

One man wrote, “Regarding spending the holidays alone, on more than one Christmas Eve night, I’ve taken a book and gone to Waffle House. I celebrated with other similarly situated ragamuffins over fried eggs and hash browns when the clock passed midnight and Christmas arrived. Read my book, drank sweet tea, and left a 100% tip when I had go back to my lonesome apartment.”

I did this on New Year’s Eve 2011. I got all dressed up, made myself filet mignon, wrote out all my intentions for the year and then went up on the roof and listened to everyone celebrate when the clock stuck midnight all over the city. It was really cool. I’ve never felt so alone and so content in my skin, just a little human on a roof, spinning on a rock in space.