A different holiday

I arrived at a friend's place 2 days ago. I decided that I didn't want to spend the holidays by myself at home, so I travelled 6 hours by train to get here. It's cold and windy, but it's where my friends live, and that's the most important part of it all. There is so much social pressure, especially during the holidays, to be with your family or with your significant other. But what if I don't have that? What then? Does that make me a loser? I don't believe in these social constructs that serve little to no purpose for anyone who wants to bloom in their own way. I choose not to care about it anymore. I would by lying if I said that it doesn't bother me to be single and now, more or less, alone in this big world. But even if it bothers me, that's how things are. It's my reality. If I want my situation to improve, then the only way is to actually do something about it.

With that in mind, armed with the knowledge that I am my own worst enemy, I have devised a plan to sabotage my failures and propel myself into more victorious times. First on the list: I need to finish the current novel. I did manage to complete the entire outline, so that's definitely progress. The hard part now is sitting down and doing the actual writing. I'll get to it soon enough, I hope. I keep saying that, but I also have a ton of things still left to do in real life.

One of the biggest issues I am facing right now is closing up the entire paperwork for my mom. There are a lot of legalities that I have no idea about, and I need to push through this last part. The entire process is slow, and once I get one certificate, I am told I need another. But as the old saying goes, "This too shall pass." I'm convinced that I will get over this period even though on some days things become overwhelming fast and I don't have the speed to react to my shifting moods. Or the energy for that matter. The path forward is shrouded in darkness, but if I can see in front of me, the only way out is to take one step at a time until I can see clearer.

The entire issue with my mom's passing is also a financial mess. I have to front some bills that are in the thousands. Funerals are not cheap. I might be forced to pay three months of rent for my mom as well because I am her son, and I am legally responsible for whatever comes next. I do have a brother, two years older than me, but calling him unreliable is a massive overstatement of how utterly useless he is. Not only did he not come to the funeral or to visit my mom in the hospital when she was sick, he is now making things more difficult for me with the paperwork and refuses to pay for anything. I have no choice but to pay up. Otherwise, I would get in trouble here. It's a big hit for my funds, but I'll bounce back sooner or later. Things always work out somehow as long as I don't give up. They just do.

Second on my list: I want to make more merch for the Etsy shop. I got really excited that I had two orders on the same day last week! One from China and one from Australia. That was really unexpected, and it gave me the necessary strength to go through what was an incredibly awful day of arguing with the waste of space my older brother is. It was such a terrible day, but then I saw the two orders, and my heart jumped. The amount I made is irrelevant to me. I was overjoyed that I finally sold merch from Light My Way. In fact, I was much too hyped, and I hope the packaging was enough. I stuck a complimentary sticker in there, but I also felt I wasn't professional enough. So I will now take more care about this side of Light My Way. I plan on splitting my days going forward into three: writing, managing the Etsy shop, and managing my real life. I need to regain the discipline that I know I am capable of having. These horrendous times I've been through, however scarring and unforgettable as they are, should also remind me that life is just one bad decision away from ending. Or even worse when it's not even a decision one can make. The point is that I choose life. I choose happiness. I choose to spend the rest of my life enjoying it. And all of this starts with me accepting the things that need to be done right now, actually doing them, and finally moving on.

Chapter 4 will be out by New Year's I hope. I did want to get it out by Christmas, but things don't always work out as planned. We are only three people working on this project. I would have liked to have additional members added to the team, but I can't afford that right now. There is more support coming in slowly but surely, so in time you'll all see what I will be able to offer in return if I haven't already shown you at least a glimpse of what's to come.

This time of year can be a sore spot for some people, but don't let this ruin your mood if you can help it. If you think you're alone, remember that there are people in your life who want you next to them. There are many friends you haven't met yet, strangers that will perhaps become your family so keep looking towards a better future. Don't give in to the pressures of society that tell you that you have to have things figured out by some arbitrarily chosen age of "success". I'm 37, I'm single, I'm ok. Life is good, because I am alive and can live it.

Let's hope for a fruitful 2024 for all of us. Take care and happy holidays.

See you in Stradia!
- Hadrian Maximus