Clara in emerg: some not-great stuff happened

Firstly I'm home now, mostly stable & recovering, so don't worry 🖤

So yea that 4 day constant migraine just blew up sometime around Thursday (everything's very fuzzy) and I ended up in emerg over the weekend. I had wanted to record a vlog to tell you guys about the weekend cause it's been fucking nuts, nucking futs too, but apparently I'm even worse off than yesterday at the moment so I think this is gonna be a slow recovery... Or at least more than 2 days haha.

Take a peek at some clips I took for Snapfam (the first one I don't even remember doing, and also forgot to post till a day later lol) as an example of brain being mush repeatedly... (And also for dewen being an adorable butt face)
Urgh My body has never gone through that much from an already weakened state, so I keep trying to remind myself not to expect my normal recovery pattern and to just be as kind as I can to myself.

I actually just had a small breakdown today Bcs it really just sunk in how awful it was, and how far I still have to recover. Like mates, objectively I've been through some shit, and this was definitely the most awful. I thought I wouldn't be able to take one more second of it for all the seconds in the whole fucking two days, I honestly don't know how the fuck I did. Like, for context, I think we all know my pain tolerance is stupid high, like I've almost broken a toe and not flinched bcs I've had to be used to staying sane/working through insane amounts of pain, so when I say the pain was bad... guys it was bad. Like if someone had offered to shoot me in the head right then I wouldn't have even hesitated just been like fuck yes just end it 👌.

So at this point I hadn't slept in about 50 hours, I'd been puking my guts out on repeat, couldn't keep any fluids in me (I got so dehydrated I dropped to 99lbs, I was four pounds heavier after the hospital just from IV fluids), it was awful. My knee is purple bcs apparently I was just biting it trying not to sob (a sob during a migraine makes the pain way worse, immediate ice pick to the eyeball) and just silent cry my way through it. Every time I'd get sick I'd soak through my shirt with sweat in a few seconds and then flip and violently shake from being cold. All of this whilst my poor floppy joints were destablized and in unsafe positions for like 3 days straight + missing all of my medication for a couple days has def taken its toll.

I think by the end of it I hadn't slept in 70 hours hadn't had solid food in like 4 days and I mathed I had 40 layers of dried sweat on me, and that's not counting tears and snot Lolol truly the grossest I've ever felt, but fuck that level of exhaustion is hard to describe urgh

Sooo yes then my heart started doing weird shit bcs of the strain on top of how long I hadn't had any of my regular medication and then Raigen ended up having to call 911 to get me to the hospital in an ambulance bcs he couldn't even move me. I was just this convulsing sobbing sad heap on the bathroom floor. But I'm so glad he did bcs they got an IV in me right in my apt, and also turned the lights out during the ambulance ride. I lucked out bcs one of the paramedics also got bad migraines and recommended her neurologist to me!
She was saying how she gets them really badly but Botox helped a lot and then she like glanced down at my poor sad shaking body with my head wrapped in ice packs and a black hoodie and she's like "uhhh but seems like you get them even worse than me" 😂
We were at the hospital for 8 hours or something it was brutal but they got the pain down eventually and we got me home (raigen had been up 24 hours at this point as well so we were both in rough shape (plus he's an old man so the hospital chairs killed his poor back lol I felt very guilty))

I had some bad reactions to some of the meds in the middle though and it was some of the worst shit I've been through. I couldn't even explain what was wrong I just Remeber being in so much pain and discomfort all I could do was just sobbing, saying "I can't" over and over, and almost thrashing and having issues breathing (I had missed my heart meds for like 36 hours at this point so it just hurt with every beat, even just laying there it was 130bpm (my normal resting is now in the 70s)).

Anyway several hours later and we were finally cleared to leave. I had two pairs of heart eye sunglasses and a hoodie over me as Raigen rolled me out of the hospital in a wheelchair still in a hospital gown bcs I had no pants and it straight up looked like a weekend at Bernie's situation for sure. That reminds me I guess apparently I stole a hospital gown... Whelp

We lucked out and even tho it was like 4 am sun morning we got a lovely uber driver (Raigen wanted to drive to follow the ambulance so he could drive us home and I was like don't you dare leave me bitch, they almost didn't let him ride along but I guess I looked pathetic enough it was like fulfilling a sick kids wish or something 👌) he drove soososo gently and slowly the whole way it didn't mess with my nausea much yaaaay.

Story ends here right Clara? You went home to bed and fell asleep RIGHT CLARA? Lol if only. Apparently now bcs I'm so thin and my body had gone without any fuel for so long, it lost all ability to regulate my body temp. Every twenty minutes I'd flip from freezing cold violent shaking, to over heated drenched in sweat. Yeah that kept up for ten more super fucking fun hours 😭 I'm just like pleading w my body that we both for the love of fuck need sleep😂 plus on top of all that I was still nauseated as all get out so was still having trouble rehdryating fast enough

At this point I was so exhausted coildnt handle anything. It's hard to explain, but I would just get confused and panic and start sobbing. As someone who prides herlsef on creative problem solving and determination.... I've never felt so helpless and incapable of anything. It sucks

Stuff even I took for granted as requiring no spoons (for the gal that can't even open a water bottle you know it's gonna be negligible), suddenly took five and I was just... I just couldn't. Here's an example of brain just nope:
So yesterday my blood pressure dropped and my heart rate spiked and made my chest hurt so I do what I always do and I stop drop and turtled on the floor (head level or below heart) to wait it out. Except this is where it went weird. The a/c turned on and the noise plus cold air amped up my confusion but I remembered my hair was damp and that +a/c could trigger migraine and needed to call raigen to turn the a/c off bcs I was stuck in the floor. Then I had problems even propping myself up (to reach my phone on the counter) bcs of muscle weakness. I kinda maneuvered weirdly and managed to fling myself to knock my phone off the counter and on the floor next to me. At this point tho I'm in a lot of pain and the confusion is getting worse so I'm also starting to just get panicky - I unlock the phone and Netflix pops up full screen resuming apparently where I'd left off and screen rotation seemed to be on and you think duh no problem I'm sure this chick WITH A COMPUTER SCIENCE DEGREE CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO MINIMIZE NETFLIX ON HER PHONE right? Yea lol no full panic attack sob fest. So glad I remembered I had a panic button set up on my phone to text raigen like sos save me but gosh darn did I feel like an idiot sobbing in a ball over all that

Speaking of which, so fucking glad I had a year of cbt dbt and self care shit under my belt bcs fuck has it ever been hard not to be judgemental to myself, and I can't imagine how much accidentally meaner I'd have been to myself had this even happened a year ago. It's insideous normally but a lot more obvious with something takes my capacities down this dramatically bcs I so often catch myself thinking where I'm at vs where I should be (aka why do I still keep falling down I've rested two days my legs should work by now, or I shouldn't be freaking out about this it's not a big deal etc). Like NO FUCK THAT NOISE I went through some physically and mentally traumatic shit (medical c-ptsd aside, but I'm sure that's adding a fun layer too), and my body is recovering at the best pace that it can and I need to support it as best I can 💪

I think another thing that contributed, in no small way, was bcs it was all so severe I couldn't even use any of my last ditch pain numbing/distraction techniques like audio books, talking to friends, or even just reading twitter. For probably three days straight by the end of it. and man I am not gonna take for granted how much seemingly insignificant things, like a reality tv show on Netflix, can metigate the effects of insanity inducing levels of pain. Def not gonna feel guilty on a bad flare day for only having been able to watch Netflix or something, it truly makes a massive difference in the perception of pain. And bcs I've been learning a fuck tonne about pain/neuro science I know that in itself helps break cycles of chronic pain bcs the brain is a weird ass place (literally being scared about getting more pain can actually just increase your pain in its own. Lol fml)

Also Tim was supposed to be here yesterday to shoot, and also today for medical appts, but obviously I'm not in any condition to even leave my apartment right now so have been doing my best to reschedule things (side note my body was still so stressed and depleted I drenched myself in sweat again in under a minute just trying to move an appt and then had a complete sob breakdown from exhaustion) but probably ending up needing this week to rest and doing shoots and appts next week. And this part of his text made me chuckle

Seemingly common sense but I still need to hear it 😂

Anyway kinda jumbled I'm sure but like. Urgh it was awful and scary and I hope to high hell I never have to go through it again. I'm trying to get back on my feet but obviously I've been forced to take it a bit slowly right now - and even after all that word vomit I feel like I still barely scratched the surface of explaining how ridiculous this week has been hah

PS thank you for all the sweet messages and love it's brought much needed smiles these last couple days 🖤 I really appreciate everyone's patience and understanding Esp with the weirdly large boardering-on-comical amount of adventures the universe has seen fit to chuck in my direction!