No kill, no problem

Plot: Batman won't kill, no matter what. Fortunately, he doesn't need to kill to solve a problem.

A large cackle filled the air as Joker stared at the water plant he wanted to use for his latest plan. This time, he would poison the Gotham City water supply with his patented Joker gas! And for added giggles, he made sure to include a little added dose of a small chemical that would give everyone minor diarrhoea and possibly hiccups. He couldn't wait to put this plan into action, especially since it had been a while since he last saw Batman.

He didn't normally take days off or vacations; chaos doesn't wait for anyone, after all, but he had taken a couple of weeks off to relax and enjoy a job well done after his latest game ended with the death of Batman's pet sidekick, Robin. It was rather unfortunate that he hadn't been able to get the first and original Robin, but the second one was an okay replacement as far as he was concerned. His death would certainly break the Bat; at the very least, it would hurt him greatly.

Batman (for reasons that Joker couldn't quite understand) insisted on never, ever, ever killing his enemies. He had once admitted to Joker that it was his one rule. That was the rule that made Joker determined to have Batman break. He knew that it would be the final nail, the final crack that would have Batman see the world exactly as the Joker himself saw it. A chaotic mess that made no sense.

"Poor little Batsy," Joker chuckled to himself. "He'll never beat me when he keeps insisting on that stupid rule."

"Is that a bet?" A deep voice growled behind him. Joker didn't even get the chance to turn around when he suddenly felt a strong hand grab his shoulder before another hand grabbed his leg. He was quickly pulled up into the air, Joker blinked once before being pulled straight back down to the ground. His lower back was smashed onto an armoured knee and he let out a deep cry before being tossed onto the floor.

"Oh god!" Joker gasped, his body filled with unimaginable pain. "Oh my god! My back's become as useful as the GCPD! You just walk up behind someone and break their back?!" He shouted incredulously, with plenty of pain in his voice. "BOO! BOO! ON YOU, SIR!"

'Bane had the right idea,' Batman thought to himself, feeling quite pleased as he stared down at the Joker's broken body. He wouldn't kill Joker, but since Joker wasn't going to change at all then Batman was going to make sure the man would stay busy in hospital or prison.

(.)

"Damn Bats, sneak attacking like a bitch," Joker groaned as he made it back into his hideout.

After Batman had broken Joker's back, he had been forced to wait an agonising amount of time before medical attention arrived. Unfortunatly for him, those people decided to take their time as well, they even made sure to destroy his very expensive suit and stick him in some hospital gown before very roughly shoving him into the back of an ambulance and spent a long time handcuffing him (which he felt was really stupid since he couldn't move at all) which also didn't appear to be moving with the usual rush that a medical emergency required.

He wasn't sure what their problem was; sure, he had blown up a hospital one time and killed the last paramedic who tried to help him. But last he checked, the Hippocratic oath didn't have any exceptions listed.

If that wasn't bad enough, after he had been treated in hospital and billed an amount large enough that he had to immediately plan a bank robbery, he had barely made it ten feet out of the hospital before the Gotham City Police Department descended upon him and chucked him in a police car. Apparently, they had only just received evidence of all of the crimes he had committed and planned to commit, so he had been sentenced to so many lifetime sentences that he would need a fountain of youth if he ever hoped to complete half of them. It had taken a great deal of effort to get himself transferred to Arkham Asylum instead of Blackgate Prison.

One year into his imprisonment, he had managed to escape from Arkham thanks to an inexperienced guard, twelve toilet paper rolls and a slightly expired piece of lettuce. He almost hadn't made it when the hairclips broke, but his magnificently overcomplicated plan had worked, and he had gotten out of Arkham, safe and relatively sound. After that, it had taken him nearly two days to finally reach one of his undiscovered hideouts without getting caught by the police.

Once inside, he made his way over to his favourite red chair and sat in it, letting out a deep moan. A stirring sound rang in his ears, and a hot cup of tea was held in front of him.

"Oh, thank you," Joker said absently, taking the cup and taking an experimental sip of the hot tea. As the fairly delicious tea made love to his taste buds, he paused and blinked as he remembered that he was supposed to be alone here. "Batman!" Screamed Joker when he realised exactly who was next to him, the tea accidentily dropping onto his pants, causing him to leap off the chair as he felt like his groin was being burnt.

"He wasted the tea, Sir," Alfred's voice spoke quietly through Batman's earpiece, sounding slightly disbelieving and a little bit hurt. "If you don't hurt him then I will," Growled Alfred. Batman grabbed Joker and lifted him up into the air.

"Oh God, no!" Joker screamed before once more getting his back slammed down onto Batman's knee. "AAAARGGHHH! LIKE A FUCKING SLINKY! I SWEAR MY FEET JUST TOUCHED THE BACK OF MY HEAD! I CAN'T MOVE ANYTHING!" Batman lifted Joker up once more and slammed him on his knee again. "AAARGGGHHHH-Oh, wait, actually I think you somehow fixed my back with that." Batman picked Joker up a third time and slammed him down once more. "AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGHHHHHH! THERE IT FUCKING IS! I FEEL LIKE KILLER CROC JUST SAT ON MY SPINE! I CAN NO LONGER RIDE MY HARLEY!"

(.)

"Alright, listen up," Joker said, walking very slowly into the room using a pair of crutches. He took in a deep breath as he looked at all of the villains sitting at the table in front of him. Here, he had the best of the best of villains. There was Deathstroke, Lex Luthor, Cheetah, Black Adam, Ra's AL Ghul and many more, including Bane. "The Batman is becoming a problem, but I'm pretty sure that together we can beat him together. Who is with me?"

"No," They all said at once.

"No?!" Joker gaped, opening his mouth to protest when suddenly all of the villains started transforming in front of Joker's eyes. "No," He said in a horrified voice as he saw the Justice League standing in front of him.

"Batman paid us all a hundred bucks to do this," Green Lantern shrugged.

"But I-wait a sec!" Joker's eyes turned onto Bane, who hadn't transformed. "You're the real, aren't you?"

"Yes, I just wanted to witness his technique." Bane confirmed.

"Technique?" The word had only just left Joker's mouth when he found himself picked up and in the air again. "Oh crap baskets," A resigned Joker sighed before his back was once more slammed onto an armoured knee.

"Technique is good." Bane gave Batman a thumbs up.

"Okay," Joker said weakly as he walked into his hideout with his pair of crutches. "The Bat is gone on a mission in space! In space! There is no possible way that he'll show up behind me and break my spine!"

"That's true," A voice said just before Nightwing dropped in front of Joker, taking one escrima stick in hand. "That's why he asked me to take over,"

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" Groaned Joker. "Well, whatever boy blunder, there's no way that you'll be any worse than Batman. He keeps breaking my back!"

"I'm not going to aim for your back." Nightwing grinned just as the top of the stick became covered in electricity. He stepped forward and swung it straight between Joker's legs, Joker managed to have one last thought before the stick connected.

'I miss Batman.'

(.)

A.N: Just an idea I had. I just always wondered why Batman doesn't just keep the Joker near-permanently hospitalised if he won't kill him. Based off a video I found on youtube, just search 'Bane Robotchicken' or 'that's Bane' if you want to watch it. As for this story, is it funny? Is it not? Let me know in the reviews.

Also the poll has ended and as predicted, Hp son of Batman has won. So the only poll remaining is the pairing poll. Currently Wonder Woman, Supergirl and Starfire are top three. If anyone wants to change that then now's your time, the pairing will end around this time tomorrow or the day after.