BLOG: Anxiety

I know it's been a week or two since I wrote a blog and I apologise for that. In truth, I've struggled with writing ANYTHING in the last couple of weeks. I apologise, this post isn't going to contain much about diapers.

So... I suffer from Generalised Anxiety Disorder. What is that you ask? Basically, I have a really, really, REALLY hard time controlling my anxiety. I don't get those little butterflies in tummy moments before something, I spiral out of control. The anxiety overtakes everything and I basically can't do anything but worry. I actually had a Patreon before this one and a massive attack of anxiety was what killed it. I stopped writing for a year or so afterwards.

What "triggers" my anxiety? Everything. Seriously, no matter how small anything can set of my anxiety. For example, a couple of weeks ago I felt a small tummy ache. I started fixating on it. Before you know it I'm feeling tummy pains all over, I'm worried I'm losing weight, I'm worried about changes in my poop. These worries become all consuming. I'm Googling symptoms, I'm buying at home tests and I'm assuming the worst. My rational brain simply cannot compete with my irrational side.

This recent bout is only the latest in a long line of health scares. In the last two years I've experienced dizziness, heart palpitations (happening every 30 seconds or so), concerns about urine, concerns about my digestive system and a dozen things besides. I have hypochondria and it's a nightmare. Each one takes up all the real estate in my brain and I obsessively think about them. If it sounds exhausting to you, I assure you it's even more tiring than you can imagine.

Maybe the worst part is that the anxiety CAUSES a lot of physical symptoms which causes more anxiety which makes the symptoms worse. When I went on vacation with my polycule I was stressed out completely about 70% of the time. As nice as it was it was also immensely difficult. My stress was so bad it reactivated the chickenpox virus dormant within me and gave me shingles.

It isn't always health stuff. If my health is fine I will worry about money, my work, something at home. At any point my brain is looking for something to hold on to and obsess over.

It's a burden on everyone around me too. My friends and family must get sick of my worrying and no matter how supportive they are I know I test their patience sometimes.

With all that said... I think I'm coming out the other side of my most recent anxiety slump. I'm trying to get the creative juices going again and I'm able to concentrate on other things which is always a good sign.

Anyway, I just wanted to write something down. I'm grateful to all of you for being here and I've got lots to come.

To finish with a little bit of diaper content... It turns out if you buy an at home test kit for blood in your poop a diaper is very useful. I tried using the pper they say to drape over the toilet to act a a little shelf and it's useless. They should just package everything with a big diaper... It's a lot easier to get a sample that way!

(The tests were all clear btw)