Patreon, R&P Q&A #239
Added 2023-09-13 20:26:46 +0000 UTC
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Field Report #1 New here but I have been lurking through red pill material since about April. Since then, I have read NMMNG x2, WISNIFG x2, RM x1, Praxeology V1 x2, Book of Pook x2, The Game x1. Plus, side bars. Working on reading other recommendations as well. The Backstory summed up. I let myself go, drunken captain. Caught gf trying to branch swing in Sept. of 2022. Health and fitness: Bench press 305 1rm, Squat 340 1rm, Deadlift 425 1rm. I no longer deadlift due to a back injury I suffered last year. Working on bringing my squat up. Current workout routine is a 3-day split, full body workout 3 times a week. Current diet is at 1800 calories a day. I am meeting .08 to 1g of protein per day. Began TRT October of 2022, T was around 250, and it is currently at 700. My height is 5'6." Weight is 200lbs. I am down 60lbs since last year. Goal weight is 180lbs, at which that point in time I will reassess my goal. Age and Family: We are both 35 years old. Been together about 10 years. She has 2 boys from a previous marriage, current ages 14 and 16. I have 2 daughters from 2 previous relationships ages 15 and 12. We have a 5-year-old daughter together. Finances: I obtained my AA degree, and I am currently applying to nursing schools. Financially we are not great, but we are getting by. I am working on it. Things I want to work on: Eliminating covert contracts, seeking validation, and codependency. I want to achieve financial freedom. Make at least 150k a year is my goal. Raise good children. Work on my Frame. I have been working on dread for the past few months. I have been losing weight and putting on a considerable amount of muscle. I feel great. I have been slowly updating my wardrobe, got a new hairstyle, grew a beard, and have been working on getting over approach anxiety by making small talk when I encounter people at the store or wherever I am at. I only went through a brief period of 3 or 4 months of a dead bedroom last year. Sex only once every couple of weeks. This year I have been having sex anywhere from 3-6 times a week depending on how busy we are. Things I have been hearing from my gf the past couple of months are "you only want me as a hooker and chef." During these moments are agree and amplify or go with amuse mastery, which have been working well. The thing is she initiates about 7/10 times. She also states we don't cuddle enough and when we do it always leads to sex. She has also been calling me an asshole a lot more lately, along with jerk, selfish, inconsiderate, and rude. She states I don't prioritize her; I am mean to the boys when I enforce boundaries when they don't finish their chores. I have noticed an uptick in jealousy, and she constantly tells me how her friends talk about me and compliment me. I could be wrong, but I am thinking that she is seeking more comfort. We used to fight and argue almost on the daily before, but now it is minimal. We have both been happier. It is just lately, maybe 2 months, that I have been hearing these things from her. Usually, I have been doing well with shit tests and comfort tests. I look for cues such as "you" vs. "I" statements. She is VERY high anxiety and low self-esteem which makes things difficult. To give her credit, she just started seeing a shrink to work on anxiety. When her time of the month comes, those shit tests or comfort tests are amplified x10. In one day, she can be happy laughing and play fighting with me, to sad and crying, to angry and yelling. Right now, she in on her period. The days leading up to it can be especially difficult. This is where I am encountering trouble. I noticed I am still seeking validation and trying to "fix" the problem. I am still bothered by her being mad at me for sometimes days at a time. I am working on memory of a goldfish. On Saturday Sept 10, we had planned to go to visit my family at my parents' house, about 30min away. While everyone was getting ready, she heard me telling my 16-year-old stepson to do some extra chores, since the day before he didn't finish his chores, but had told me he did. I could tell she was upset, and she asked me why, I began to deer but caught myself and simply said I already talked to him about it. She has been telling me I need to talk to her first before disciplining the boys. In other words, check with her first for her approval. She hopped in the shower and when she came out, I was getting my 5-year-old ready when she sat on the bed and wanted to talk about what happened. I used negative inquiry, but she began to raise her voice and give attitude, so I just walked away. I sat in the living room with my other stepson and was helping him with something. At this point I figured she's probably not going to want to go and use the opportunity to try to manipulate me into fixing things if I wanted her to go. I made up my mind if this happens, I will just leave and go by myself. To my surprise, she actually began getting ready and we all went to visit my parents, and we had a good day overall. On Sunday, she woke up around 630 am to take my stepson to work. When she came back, I expected her to come into the room, but she stayed out in the living room. I text her to come into the room for some fun, but she had dozed back off on the couch. Soon after, my 5-year-old woke up, and my gf got up to make her breakfast. I went out there and began to make myself breakfast when she noticed my text message. In an apologetic tone she said, "hey I just saw your messages," to which I replied, "no biggie." we had breakfast together and talked a bit. I then continued with my day. I went outside to work out in the gym aka my garage. came back inside around 945am. I asked my 5-year-old to clear off her toddler table where she has snacks and plays, and I asked my 14-year-old stepson to begin his chores. I sat on the couch, where she was sitting scrolling though tic tok probably, when I asked if she was watching the tv. A movie was playing. So, she says, "you come in here and just start barking orders then want to change the channel?" I told her, "Yea, I'm a dictator remember." Which is an inside joke. (My 15-year-old is being alienated and her mother calls me a dictator all the time). She then said with more attitude that she is watching TV. So, I get up and go to my bedroom to watch the 49ers smack the steelers. Halfway through the game I get a text from work, they are short staffed, so I decide to go into work for the swing shift. We do not talk much the rest of the day. I'm home by midnight, shower and go to bed. Memory of a goldfish. On Monday, we woke up early, had to take our daughter to kinder. I began making my daughter's lunch and while she started helping her get dressed and do her hair. After that me and my daughter were pretending to be robots, I can tell my gf was still in a mood. I stood in my gf's way and pretended my batteries died, and my daughter began to laugh. My gf then reached around and pinched my nipples. something she has been doing a lot the past couple of months, in a playful way of course. she's been more touchy and has been wrestling me a lot more. After that we took our daughter to school, came back home and we chilled for a while. I ate breakfast and we had coffee together. About an hour later I went to the gym. I finished up and came back inside. I got cleaned up and tried to initiate. She got pissed. Told me that's all I want. and I do not prioritize her. She said I'm always busy, working out, working on the car, a car we just bought our stepson, doing yardwork, or cleaning. I tried amuse mastery and some AA, in the end, I ended up getting up and keeping busy outside for about an hour. I came inside talked some logistics about our plans for the rest of the day. She talked back more calmly. I sat next to her and I initiated again and she resisted again. She began to talk in a calmer way about how she feels like a piece of meat. I tried negative inquiry and fogging; she began to get upset again, raising her voice. That's when I just jumped on her and went in for a kiss, she did kiss me back but then turned away, She started pinching me and we began to wrestle. We wrestled for a min or two, and she tried getting up and I grabbed her by her hips and sat her on my lap. She playfully resisted, and I picked her up and threw her on the couch. I then began to take her pants off, you can hear the material stretch. She kept telling me to "stop" and "no" while laughing and trying to pinch me. I took her pants completely off and touched her and she looked at me and in a more serious tone told me to "stop!". and she said "no means no." I backed off for a second and I said "oh, I thought you were into it." I then asked if she wanted to put her pants back on. She closed her eyes, relaxed her head and body. She didn't say anything. I went in to touch her again and she was soaking wet. I started talking a little dirty and we smashed. I went to work that evening and everything was fine. She called me while I was at work, we talked for a bit. Everything was cool. Not sure if she's seeking comfort of validation from to so that she still feels like the prize. In the past I would always deer, come to her when she was mad. Basically everything blue pill you can think of I did in our relationship. Tuesday, we hung out during the morning, went out to breakfast while kids were at school, We then ran some errands. When we got home, we were in the living room when I tried initiating again and she flipped out. This is the worst I have seen her since last year. I ended up getting mad, I deerd. I fell to my emotions. When I caught myself, it was too late, I was in it. It was the worst I have reacted since last year as well. I ended up going outside and just keeping busy. I came back inside after a while, and I fell to my emotions again. I tried to "Talk" and we got into it again. I know I cannot be doing this, and this is the first time I fell to my emotions like this in a long time. I ended up just shutting up. After a little while, She then began to talk to me in just a normal tone and I did as well. I started flirting with her a bit, I asked her to come sit next to me, she said "no, you come to me." I told her if I go sit next to her I'm going to put something in her mouth, she then said "oh yea, come here then." We ended up smashing and I got up to go wash myself since she's on her period. Then she finishes me off with a blowjob. I have been trying to initiate more lately so maybe this could have something to do with it, since she does initiate more than me this past year. I have also been trying to me more dominant in the bedroom. Trying different things. Nothing too crazy but every now and then try something and see how she responds. Today is Friday the 15. Currently she is at work and has been texting me flirting. Yesterday we smashed. Today she's about halfway through her time of the month. This is when she starts getting back to baseline. My thoughts are that she kind of gets off on fighting with me. Most of the time in the past years, after big fights we smashed and it is always better than usual. I think if this is what is happening its a cycle I want to break. We smash on the regular but these last couple of months she has been feeling "like a piece of meat" and a "chef" so is Dread to high? It's confusing because she initiates a lot more than me. or do I just need to ramp up the comfort? I do not want to get taken for granted. In a midswatch, there is a guy who gets rejected for sex because the wife feels awkward. He heads downstairs. A while later she comes down naked, and he rejects her and says he's "working." That was his way of enforcing a boundary but it was also a covert contract. So my gf has been noticing I withdraw attention when she rejects me. I'm not butthurt, I just get lost for a while fixing shit or cleaning. In my case, do I just tell her up front some form of "cuddles aint free?" or is that negotiating desire. Thanks for those who read my long ass post. Any tips on field reports are welcome.
Palea
2023-09-15 20:50:42 +0000 UTCThank you @Op Sec. I will do
Cocky_funny
2023-09-15 06:51:53 +0000 UTCRead Esthar Villar's The manipulated man. Rian has a sidebar on it too. This helped me to not worry about their emotions.
Op Sec
2023-09-14 21:30:54 +0000 UTCThe past three weeks have been incredible until i said dont sit on my chair. LTR 6 years - Marriage in the cards my choice Lifting x2-3 a week MMA training x3 a week Work is going okay. I need to step on my coding skills My girlfriend rejected me for 2/3 weeks straight we were consistently arguing about chore play(trying to be a leader in the wrong say, I know this should be do it in your own time ) and her not being home on time(this I believe in my co-dependency) The last three weeks I had sex x3 to x4 times a week. This is the most sex that I have ever had in my in a long time for 3 weeks straight. It used to be x2 on average. I even got tired of having it so much that it drained my energy. 2 nights ago. I lasted 2mins in the bed room loool. Lowest Personal best time here. looI we both laughed. I use to go for 10-15mins (at age 21-28). I use to play basketball and had amazing cardio and pelvic floor exercises during training. But now i do mma and i have less cardio endurance. I will go back to doing what worked, but any other times here. I'm 30 now 1. I observed that my girlfriend likes cooking but does not washing up. I have been forcing her to wash up before going to bed for years but has not work. The times washing, she does wash up is usually the next day due to more energy I believe. So, I stopped forcing washing up to be done on the same night. 2. We didn’t go to church for the past 4 weeks also. I think this has got a massive part to play. I kind of know that my girlfriend used to say we need to pray more each time we had sex or we need to save sex for marriage. I don’t know why this is said even though we have been in a 6 year relationship. 3. I have started speaking my mind on when I am pissed off at something. I used to pretend when that things where fine but they really weren’t. 4. Each time I saw an argument happening I lean into it rather than avoiding it and when my boundaries are crossed, I walk away and go for a walk. I know walking away aint the best option. But I use to completely avoid arguments. I used to agree and amplify for everything back then, rather me saying what I think/feel. Given the fact that we hadn’t argued in 3 weeks this year to me this was a massive improvement. Last night I had a comfort test, my LTR saw on the “my chair” the one that I like to sit on for dinner and I kind of flipped for 5 mins. I said to my LTR listen I don’t want you to sit on my sit, I am man of routine, discipline and structure get that in your brain. My LTR then mentioned. “I want to be in a relationship where my partner is willing to compromise and not so rigged all the time, why is it always your way or the highway, I also want to sometimes sit where you sit for once, I also want to sleep on the outside of the bed. I have always compromised to make you happy but can’t you do the same for once”. We went back and forth for about 5mins about this. I gave in and I took the other chair and sat on the middle of the table. I didn’t say anything”. She repeated the same thing over and over regarding compromise and said that was bullshit. I then proceed and said listen I understand what you are saying, you wanted to sit in the on my chair and watch your show. I could have let you sit on my chair just time for once. But when It comes to dinner time I want your full attention and then you can watch your show. But I’m noting going to have you sit here and swear at me I am not going to have that. Nothing was mentioned after that. I then proceed to go for a 1hr walk/drive. I then said to myself well that was a waste of time and money getting pissed off for the smallest thing. This morning we both didn’t say anything. The issue has not been resolved yet and I am anxious just writing this. I am person that likes to sit on the same chair most of the time, at home and the office. Question 1: Is me being so rigged or not willing to compromise on certain things make me a static minded person and not grow in my relationship Question 2: Given the example of “my chair”, the situation was/is not fully resolved. How do I properly resolve issues like this from carrying on during the week and how do I learn to nip them in the bud quicker.
Cocky_funny
2023-09-14 18:59:45 +0000 UTC
