July and August (Hi-Res)

Been a rough two months. A painting for Dawn of Corruption, a sketch for FlammieT and Soulhunter-Amras that was the other thumbnailed drawing of their painting earlier, a painting for Tyrannix, a pair of Bloomburrow sketches for Enigma of Ajani planeswalking, a phone painting doodle on Goolashe's device, a painting for Swordior of a redux of my Bruce piece using his wolf instead, and a painting for CediFonei continuing the old series of Cedi training Bruce (even though this is September technically, consider it a bonus).

I won't go into too much detail here because I don't want to be a downer, but... August started off hopeful. Goolashe started a job and was getting trained, but things are not the most well-run there, and of course, corporate America is awful and decided to also start in on him about numbers and things because "wow youve been here two weeks why are you not basically 95%+ perfect". Then things broke. Bills came up. Programs glitched out. Depression swing hit me hard. Washing machine broke. Numbers were added up wrong. It's been... not great. I'm surviving but just.

Anyways, I apologize for another double month upload here, and for the somewhat small payload despite it. If you are upset, I completely understand, and all I can do is apologize profusely. I'm trying, I swear. I'm just starting to crack a little, but I'm still trying. Thank you for being here with me, though. I will try to do better, somehow, some way, for you all. Thank you so much.

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So I'm just about broke. I have just enough for things like food or gas, a doctor visit or some medication, but not enough for rent. I'm behind on work to a level where my entire savings will be taken by rent at the end of the month, and that's... a bit scary. And it's a problem of my own creation, due to my own inability to put out work faster whether it's because of my style, or my process. My lack of ability to sell prints or do online sales also is an issue, one that I've tried to fix but to little success.

That's not me blaming others--I accept that it's the way it is. We're all fighting out here in a limited attention span environment, right? There can only be so many things that so many eyes can be put on, especially coupled with a genocide ongoing, a war, and now a political season ramping up. Nevermind the death of FurAffinity's owner and subsequent hijacking that occurred from that. It's kind of hard to be like "woe is me, the algorithm is unkind!" when, like... hey... there's kind of a lot of more important stuff going on? So I can instead work harder, work faster, work smarter, to try to make up for it, fix the problem myself.

But I'm not good at fixing problems, it seems. I keep slipping back to this situation. I... spend a lot of my waking hours with my internal voice in some pretty dark places, worries over homelessness when I'm older notwithstanding. I know that on one hand, I'm blessed and lucky to have an audience like you guys willing to support me. But on the other... gods, why am I not better and quicker at putting out work for others to view?

I've also been... I don't want to say "called out", but recently others have commented about how I do almost no personal work. That stuff I do, like here on Patreon, is all commissioned pieces, that it can make one feel stuck or isolated, even lonely, to not do something for yourself. I'm admittedly afraid to, not just because of money and income versus the hours I take to make something, but also that I haven't done it in so long. I do maybe a personal piece a year, on average, I think? Like a full on thing, not just a side doodle. I think I'm embarrassed by my own interests when left to my own devices, and that's the biggest barrier to me doing anything.

But that's part of the problem I already mentioned, isn't it. No question mark there, because it's not a question--I think it IS. How can I worry about not selling prints, not selling online, putting out work slowly, when all I do is work for others and not for me? If people want something to own, to put on their wall, that isn't a piece of their own character... Why would they buy someone else's, right? They'd want something that's from the heart of the artist themselves... Right? So maybe my own problems are my own making, and it's finally catching up to me. That... doesn't make me staring at the couple hundred I have left in my bank account any easier for the nerves in my stomach to process, but... Maybe that's something to consider, Deriaz. Maybe, despite everything, you're not you.

Or maybe I'm just navel-gazing in a Patreon hi-res tier post. If you read this far, uh, hi. Thank you. I seriously appreciate all your love and support, and I apologize profusely that I did another dual month upload. It wasn't my intent, things just... kept getting away from me in August right away, and just kept spiraling. But I love you all. Your support still means the world to me, and I still wouldn't be able to do what I do without you. Even if I'm not doing it well, I'm still able to do it, and that means the world to me. I know I'm lucky and blessed in that regard, and it's because of your kindness that it's possible. Thank you for trusting me. I swear I'll try to keep doing better for you, and I apologize if I appear like I'm doing worse. I'm trying to stay on the horse and not be kicked off. I will catch you again soon. I love you all. Thank you. Stay safe out there.