In Reverse, Part 5

Even though I was an adult only a few weeks ago, my adulthood seems like it's a long way away now. My brain has shrunk, and I've lost some of what I used to know in the process, but I'm still enough of a scientist to notice the huge difference between childhood and adulthood. I definitely feel different, and I'm not interested in science like I used to be. In fact, at this point, I'm not interested in being a grown-up anymore. All I really want to do is play and have fun. Going to the lab every weekday is exactly like how I remember going to school every day: an annoying chore. Ethan and Sophie have started having to remind me why I'm going. As much fun as I'm having, I don't want to get any younger. But when I'm running around in the backyard and playing games with Thomas, any further regression seems so far away. Even this journal has become something of a chore, but it's what I do at night to wind down for bed.

Speaking of bed, now that I'm sleeping with Thomas, Ethan has taken over my bedroom. It makes sense because he's been in charge of the house for weeks now. Why shouldn't he have the master bedroom? That was how he explained it, anyway. I felt like it wasn't fair and said so, but he convinced me after a little talk. I guess the grown man who's still in my brain somewhere recognizes everything Ethan does to take care of me and appreciates it. I feel so embarrassed and weak to say it, but I've come to see him as a father figure.

I've regressed in the kinds of games I play now too. Today, I was out with Thomas playing make-believe as superheroes. But it's interesting to see the differences in our generations. I grew up in the 80s, while Thomas is a child of the 2010s. I was pretending to be Superman, and he was pretending to be Iron Man, influenced by the popular movies that came out when we were younger. We both had fun; it's just cool to see that difference.

As we were getting ready for bed (together), I noticed something else: how much we look alike. I'm only a little bit taller than he is now, and we could almost be twins. People have been mistaking us for brothers for weeks now, but now people are starting to ask Ethan if we're twins. I've been wearing his clothes the last week or so, which I have to admit is kinda fun. I always thought it would be great to have a twin brother. I just never thought he'd be my 11-year-old son.

But here we are. The lab aged me at 11 today, officially and totally on par with my youngest kid. It's weird because physically, I feel great, happy, lots of energy, and mostly carefree. Bills and jobs are ancient history for me by now, although I'm still getting a check from the lab as a test subject. My days are mostly full of playing and kidding around, laughing. I can run around all day and not get tired. Ethan and Sophie start getting Thomas and me ready for bed around 9 at night, and for me, that means journaling like I'm doing now to wind down and get sleepy. Still, underneath all the fun I'm having, there's the worry that I'll keep going and will end up the youngest and smallest member of my family. But how young and how small? I'm already as tall (or as short) as Thomas, and the physical similarity between us is stronger than ever.

He's been wanting to wrestle a lot more in the last couple of weeks, anxious to test himself and see if he's stronger than me now. I can tell I've gotten weaker because he seems quite a bit stronger, and in fact, he wins about half of our little matches now.

"I know you don't wanna get any smaller, but I can't wait until I can pick you up!"

"I'd have to get really small for that. Maybe it won't happen 'cause they're still trying to fix me."

My understanding of science (and other things) has shrunk along with my brain. I have trouble remembering words I used to know. I feel like I know how Mrs. Bennett felt when she started forgetting things, and it's ironic (one word I still know) that a treatment meant to halt and reverse the effects of Alzheimer's would make me start to forget things. But the lab is still trying to stop my regression, even while they're studying it to continue the project once I've stopped getting younger. Joe came to see me the other day. It was the first time he'd come by since I'd turned into a kid, and he asked me what it was like.

"Do you remember being an adult?"

"Yeah, Joe. I remember everything, all the important stuff." It was really weird to look up at him, and I was more conscious than usual of how high-pitched my voice was. "I remember Amanda and all my kids being born. I remember raising them and teaching them. I remember what they looked like when they were little. I haven't lost any of the big stuff, just some of the little things. They think my brain is condensing everything that's in it."

"Condensing?"

"Yeah, that's the word they used. Most of what I've learned in my life is being packed into a smaller brain, and as that happens, the less important stuff that's not tied to longterm memory is being lost."

"Well, you can always re-learn it."

"Yeah, but first I have to stop forgetting things, and that can only happen if I stop regressing."

"How close are they, Mike?"

"They're studying the pituitary. Not mine, of course. But they're looking at chemicals that excite it because mine has basically shut down, which is what's allowing the regression. If they can get it going again, they think they can halt the process and get me growing again."

"That's great. Do they have any idea how long it'll take you to grow up again? Can they speed it up?"

"Yeah, they can pump me full of growth hormones, but they're not sure what that'll do to me. Right now, everyone's just trying to stop the regression."

I'm glad I didn't have any trouble explaining all that to him, but of course, I didn't really need any big words that I might have once known.

I haven't written anything about my relationship with Sophie in a while, and I should note that things have changed between us as well. We're still close, but she is now solidly in "big sister" mode, treating me exactly as she treats Thomas. I used to rely on her to help take care of Thomas and keep an eye on him, and since I became a kid, Ethan has done the same thing, only now she's keeping an eye on me as well. More than once, Ethan has had to run an errand and left her in charge of my "twin brother" and me, and I've found myself in the position of having my own daughter babysit me. It's not that I can't do some of the things I used to be able to do. I can still cook and do laundry, for example. No, the problem is that I have regressed emotionally as well as physically. I don't stay focused like I used to, especially when I'm playing, so I can lose track of time. It's not like I need a lot of care, just someone to keep an eye on me and make sure I eat on a regular basis. Unfortunately, that falls to my son or my daughter. Sophie, like she is with Thomas, has become a kind of mother to me. I just hope it's not a sign of things to come.

I knew what they were going to say as soon as I noticed myself looking up at Thomas yesterday, and the lab made it official today. I'm ten years old now, younger than even my youngest kid. Thomas's clothes, which I've been wearing, now fit me loosely, hanging off my small body. Thomas himself is already treating me different. Now that he's bigger than me and has proven himself stronger than me, he's getting kinda bossy. He still plays with me, but now we pretty much just do what he wants to do. He's excited about no longer being the youngest in the family.

"I finally have a little brother!" he said when I told my family the news this afternoon.

Sophie spoke up to try to head off any trouble. "Just remember that Michael has always been good to you and follow Ethan's example of what kind of big brother you need to be. Don't push Michael around or be mean to him. He's going through a very hard time, after all."

"I know."

But I wasn't sure he did, and as I prepared to re-enter the single-digit ages, I could only hope my son wouldn't end up bullying me.