In Reverse, Part 9

More and more here lately, I've caught people looking at me with "Aw, how cute!" expressions on their faces. As I look in the mirror, I can't say they're wrong. I was -- am -- a cute kid. Of course, what I see in the mirror doesn't line up with what I expect to see. It makes me think of transgender people whose faces and bodies don't match their minds. I have a whole new understanding and empathy for them. Of course, a lot of people don't feel their physical ages, but as far as I know, I'm the first person in history to feel it like this, on this level or whatever. It really messes with your mind.

That brings me to another point. Ethan has told me he doesn't want me to swear anymore. He didn't make it a rule or anything like that. It's just something he wants me to do, or not do. He said it bothers people if they hear me when we're in public, and I know he's right. It's also kinda weird for him, Sophie, and Tom to hear words like that coming out of such a young mouth. I understand. So, I'm being real careful about my language now. Of course, this means I sound even more childish than I already did. But who am I kidding at this point? I AM a child! I'm smarter than most kids, but I'm small, emotional, easy to entertain, and now kinda incontinent. What else would you call someone like that?

As if I needed more confirmation, they told me I'm five years old today. The age of a kindergartner. They treat me like one too. They're constantly checking my knowledge, mostly my words but now they include letters and numbers. I still know a lot of stuff, more than most people my age. I can still talk almost as good as I did when I was grown, and I can still do math and stuff. I still know a lot of my science. But I've forgotten a lot too. There are things the lab talks about that I don't understand or remember. Yesterday, they were talking about adenine, and I didn't know what it was. I had to ask my buddy Damon after the meeting. He reminded me it's one of the four DNA bases, but it was like I was hearing it for the first time.

It's more than that too. I now have a scheduled nap time at the lab just after lunch, which means I have to take Goodnites with me to what used to be my work. Every day, one of the workers will remind me to use the bathroom before I lay down. Sometimes they even remind me I don't want to have an accident. Even Doctor Wallace is a lot nicer to me now. She uses soft, encouraging tones. I kinda like, but I still don't like that there's a need for it. She's even talked about my bedwetting and said they're gonna keep some Goodnites at the lab for me. Even at this stage, there's enough man left in me to be really embarrassed about having my boss (former boss) talk about my bedwetting pants.

Today, I got up from my nap and walked out of the unused conference room as Charlotte walked by. She immediately got that "Aw, how cute" look on her face and smiled down at me.

"Your hair's messed up," she said. "Let me help you fix it."

Before I could stop her, she reached down and smoothed out whatever cowlick I had. I muttered a thanks as I walked off, and I could hear her giggle. At least I woke up dry. It would have been a lot worse if I was wet.

But the real good news is that the lab has finally found a way to stop my regression. I don't understand all of it, but they explained it to me and to Ethan when he picked me up this afternoon. It's a serum that will change my system back and make me start growing again. They haven't created it yet, but they think they know what to put in it. They just have to wait for the chemicals to be delivered to the lab so they can start mixing them up. In the meantime, I wait while they keep running tests and hope this serum works and works fast.

I've been sick all day today. My doctor said it's just a virus and I should be fine in a few days. The lab has been talking to him about me ever since my condition was discovered, and he's still been treating me, even though he's not a pediatrician. I think the reason is because he's interested in my regression, but that's okay. What bothers me is that I can't go to the lab and have to stay home and rest while I'm sick. Wallace talks to Ethan every day, but I'm afraid they won't be able to finish the serum in time if I'm not there. And the kids won't let me go out to play while I'm sick, so I spent most of the day laying on the couch, watching Disney movies and playing games. Ethan put me in Goodnites because he expects I'll sleep a lot. He wasn't wrong because I wet during my afternoon nap. But I was real careful about going to the bathroom every other time. Wetting in my sleep is bad enough. I don't want to start wetting while I'm awake too.

I finally felt a little better this evening, but today was mostly just like yesterday. I had another accident during my nap. Ethan says it's probably because my kidneys are trying to flush my body out and I'm peeing more. He bought me some smaller Goodnites because the others were getting too loose. I'm still shrinking, and I don't know when it's gonna stop! Or if it will!

I was officially over my virus when I woke up this morning, so Ethan let me go back to the lab. They've made some progress on the serum, but Ethan left a change of clothes at the lab for me in case I wet my pants. I told Dr. Wallace they can't solve this fast enough. She put her hand on my shoulder and promised they were giving it everything they had.

Joe came over after dinner.

He stooped down to my level. "How ya doing, Mike?"

"I've never felt better," I joked.

He laughed, and for just a little bit, I felt more like my old self. He stayed for a couple of hours, and we talked like we used to. The kids even left us alone for a while and let us hang out. But then Ethan came in and said I needed to get ready for bed.

Joe smiled. "Aw, come on, Dad! Let him stay up a little longer!"

But I didn't laugh. I knew he was joking, but it was like a punch to the gut. I chocked back tears.

"Mike, man, I'm sorry. It was just a joke."

"I know. It's not your fault. This is just really hard."

He hugged me before he left, and I lost it. He let me cry on his shoulder, and Ethan gave us some privacy. As he left, I felt like I'd never see him again. I went upstairs, took a shower, and put my pull-up and Star Wars pajamas on. I don't want to sleep alone tonight, and I don't want to sleep with Ethan, so Thomas is letting me sleep in his bed.

Most kids don't think much about clothes, but I'm not that lucky. Ever since I started shrinking, I've kept a close eye on how my clothes fit, and every time they started to get loose and baggy, I looked at them and saw my life slipping away. This morning, I noticed it again. My five-year-old clothes are now big on me. Ethan noticed it too, and so did the lab. They ran the test, and I couldn't help crying a little as they drew my blood. It wasn't just the pain, although that was part of the reason for my tears. I already knew what the test would show and what they would tell me. I'm four years old now.

Ethan took me shopping for new clothes after he picked me up, and then he stopped at the grocery store before going home. I chose to wait in the car (the doors locked to protect me), and he came back after several minutes carrying a few bags. He set them in the car, and I looked at what he'd bought, recognizing a package of boys' Pull-Ups.

He saw me looking at them. "You don't have to wear them yet. I just want to be prepared."

"Okay." How could I argue?