In Reverse, Part 10

I've started to get more clumsy. The lab says it makes sense because my fine motor control is weaker now. I drop and spill things more than I used to, and Ethan has told me to make sure I always hold things with both hands from now on. Even my footsteps aren't as confident as they used to be. I'm not a toddler yet, but I'm definitely getting there.

I've gotten more emotional and clingy too, but the kids have grown very soft and considerate with me. I get hugged and held a lot, and while there's still a part of me that's embarrassed to experience this reversal, it's nice to have that closeness with my kids again, even though I'm the little one this time. It also feels weird to call Ethan, Sophie, and Tommy "the kids" now that I'm much more of a kid than they are and they're taking care of me. But what else should I call them? I may be four years old, but I remember being forty-five and raising all three of them. Those memories haven't gone away just because they're having to look after me now.

It finally happened today: I had an accident in my pants. You have to remember that, while the lab aged me at four, I'm actually three-and-something and getting younger every day. I suppose I should do more to remember that too. I got distracted watching Blue's Clues (a fact I'm embarrassed to admit in and of itself) and put off going to the bathroom when I felt the need to go. When I finally decided to go, it was too late, and I couldn't hold it anymore. I didn't make it to the toilet and wet my pants. I was so shocked, embarrassed, and upset that I couldn't stop myself from crying. Sarah from processing was very nice to me, rubbing my back as she took me to the bathroom with my change of clothes to get cleaned up. Ethan had left some Pull-Ups for me just in case, and she decided to go ahead and put one on me since I didn't have any more dry pants on hand. Naturally, they reported the incident to my son when he came to pick me up this afternoon. He said they did the right thing and left me in the training pants.

We had a talk on the way home from the lab. He wasn't upset or anything. He just calmly said that since it was likely I was going to have more accidents, it was a good idea for me to start wearing Pull-Ups all the time now. "Even the small Goodnites have gotten a little too loose on you lately, anyway, so the Pull-Ups will keep you drier at night."

"I understand. I'm just scared because this is it, what I've been scared of all along, my nightmare come true. I'm losing the last of my adulthood, my maturity. My toilet training. Unless they don't do something soon . . ."

"Maybe they will. You never know. Try not to worry about it and just have as much fun as possible. You're a little boy again. Having fun is what little boys are supposed to do, right?"

"Yeah, but now I have to worry about having accidents too."

"I know it sucks, Mikey. I'm sorry. If you have an accident, just go and change your pants, clean yourself up however you need to. You can still do that on your own. Just let me or Sophie know when you start to run low on pants so we can get you some more."

One part I've forgotten to mention is my car seat. I've been riding around in one for a few weeks now, but it's sticking in my memory more now that I'm writing about wearing training pants. I feel like such a little boy now, and I'm starting to feel like a baby. Hell, that's almost what I am.

Tommy found out I'm in Pull-ups now this morning as we were having breakfast as my shirt rode up, revealing the waistband. He didn't say anything, but I could see this look on his face that said, "Oh, wow! Dad's wearing training pants now!"

I did well at the lab today and only had an accident during my nap. I stayed dry at home too. I'm paying more attention to my body and going to the bathroom as soon as I feel the urge. Still, I know it's just a matter of time before it happens again. Sophie's letting me sleep with her tonight, and she's already reminded me to be sure I use the "potty" and have a dry Pull-Up before bed. She said it in a cute, cheerful way, an encouraging way. I knew she was handling me, but it felt good, anyway.

I had my first accident at home today. I got caught up playing a racing game and waited too long to use the bathroom. I soaked my Pull-Up and had to go change it. I felt the shame wash over me as I dropped the wet one into the bathroom trash can, knowing I should be well beyond such childish behavior. Of course, my muscles are a lot weaker than they used to be, so I have to cut myself a little slack, but that accident happened because I wasn't paying attention.

Joe came over and hung out for a little while. I think he noticed my Pull-Up, but he didn't say anything, nor did he say anything when I hurried off to the bathroom. He didn't stay long after that, though. I think it's hard for him to see me like this and even harder for him to relate to a tiny kid.

Another accident this evening. This time, we were at the grocery store.

"Ethan, I need to use the bathroom!"

"Okay, buddy, I'll take you. Sophie, stay with Tommy and the cart."

We headed towards the store bathrooms, but the urge was already really bad.

We were almost there when I felt it. "Too late!"

"Oh, no. I'm sorry, kiddo. Let's head back and get you a change."

Everything had soaked into the padding by the time we made it back to the cart.

"That was fast," Sophie said.

"He didn't make it," Ethan replied. "Let me have a dry Pull-Up, and I'll go help him change."

"I don't have any."

"What? Oh, no! We didn't think to bring any with us! I'm sorry, Mikey. We'll finish up here and get home as quickly as we can."

I had to walk around the store with all three of my kids knowing I had a wet Pull-Up. After that, it was decided that from now on, we'll carry a spare Pull-Up or two with us in a bag wherever we go.

I had my weekly meeting with Doctor Wallace today.

"I'm very sorry to hear about the recent development, Michael. I know it must be very frustrating," she said.

"Thank you." It was probably just my imagination, but I thought I heard a slight lisp in my voice.

"We know we're on the right track now. We're confident we've found the chemicals that will arrest your regression and get you growing again. It's just a matter of mixing the chemicals in the right proportions and getting approval to administer them at this point. We're really close.

"How long do you think it'll take?"

She sighed. "We're fast-tracking it, but you know how these things work. We're probably looking at another week."

"And then there's the amount of time it'll take for the new serum to start working."

She smiled and shook her head encouragingly. "I promise you, we're almost there. I've seen the research and the tests, and what we've come up with has stopped the merging of the cells in your blood samples. As soon as we can start administering the serum, your regression will begin to slow down. Just hang in there."

"I'm trying. But you and I both know that at this point, I'm probably three years old. I'm already in training pants. We both know what comes next."