In Reverse, Part 11

It's easy to understand now why so many books have been written about toilet training. It almost feels like my life has suddenly become about the toilet. When I have to go, how long since I went, whether or not I can make it. And since I still have most of my adult mind, I understand all of this! Imagine how much more stressful it is for a toddler's mind. A toddler: that's me now. I'm a toddler. It's scary as hell, but there it is. The lab told me today that I'm now three years old. So, I'm officially in that age range. When I go out, even little kids look down on me. Imagine being a grown man, looking up at little kids, and seeing them look down at you!

Anyway, I was talking about my toilet habits. The kids all keep a close eye on me and remind me on a regular basis to use the bathroom. They're afraid I'll have accidents if they don't, and they kinda have a point. There have been times when I was watching TV or playing and I got distracted and wet myself. That might sounds easy to avoid to a grown-up, but when you're three years old, your mind is easily focused on play and not so much on bodily awareness. And sometimes you think you can hold it when you can't, or you just plain hold it too long because you think your muscles are stronger than they really are. I guess that's especially true for me because a few weeks ago, my bladder was a lot stronger. So were my bowels. I've been lucky on that front so far, but I've had a few close calls. I've had to learn not to trust my control the way I used to because my muscles just aren't as strong.

It's embarrassing to have my kids helping me with this, especially Thomas, of course. Imagine having an 11-year-old asking you out of nowhere if you need to use the bathroom! But they've all been understanding. Ethan was the one who reminded me my muscles are weaker now.

"That's not your fault," he said. "But you can compensate for it by trying to remember that your muscles have shrunk and weakened and you have to be more diligent now. Don't put off going to the bathroom when you feel the need to go. Just go. But remember that accidents happen, and that's not your fault either."

Meanwhile, every morning starts with a wet Pull-Up, and naps often end the same way. I always use the bathroom before bed, but it doesn't matter. I always wake up wet. It's frustrating, but at least I have my Pull-Ups to keep me dry. I guess that's one advantage of being a grown man in a toddler's body: I have enough maturity to appreciate the things that make my situation more bearable.

I tripped and fell at the lab today. I cried. It was so embarrassing, but I couldn't stop myself. The fear, anger, and frustration were all overwhelming, and I didn't know how to express it. Callie, a tech I've gotten to know, picked me up and snuggled me until I felt better. I apologized to everyone for my outburst, and they assured me that wasn't necessary. After I calmed down, I discovered I'd had an accident and had to go change my Pull-Up. I'm chalking that one up to fear.

Unfortunately, things got worse when I got home. I was playing in my room and heavily engrossed in what I was doing when I suddenly felt the need to go. I put down what I was doing and headed for the bathroom, but as I walked, the pressure quickly got worse. Long story short, I didn't make it in time. This was the first time I'd pooped my pants, and it was devastatingly embarrassing. It's embarrassing just to write about it now, especially because of what happened afterwards. I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up, balling up the dirty Pull-Up and putting it in the trash before putting a clean one on. Ethan discovered it later in the evening when the bathroom began to smell, and I had to tell him what happened.

"It's okay, Mikey, accidents happen. But the next time that happens, let me or Sophie know so we can be sure you get clean, and we need to put your messy Pull-Up in a plastic bag so it doesn't stink up the whole bathroom. Okay?" I nodded, and he took me to the bathroom and made sure I was clean before running some water in the tub and telling me to take a bath. I'm now physically less than three years old, so I know this will only happen again. Oh god, why did I take that serum?

With a smaller body comes a smaller bed. Now that I'm smaller and more fragile, Ethan has moved me into a toddler bed with rails to keep me from falling out during the night. More and more, I look to him and Sophie to take care of and protect me, and Sophie's maternal side has really become obvious. Last night, I woke up from a nightmare and felt scared. I climbed out of bed and ran next door.

"Sophie. Sophie!"

"Huh? Mikey? What is it?"

"I had a nightmare! Can I sleep with you?"

"Sure, sweetie, come on." She pulled the covers back, and I climbed in. "Wait. How's your pants? Are they still dry?" Before I could answer, she reached around me and grabbed at my crotch, squeezing the padding. "Oh, kiddo, you're wet. Let's get you a new Pull-Up first, okay?"

"Okay."

She went back to my room with me and helped me change my pants, and then she picked me up and carried me back to her bed. She snuggled me to her, and I felt safe as I went back to sleep.

This morning, she helped get me ready for the lab, which meant another change of Pull-Ups before breakfast. When Ethan drove me to the lab, he decided to carry me inside, saying I looked sleepy and it was a long walk for my little legs. I couldn't argue, of course. I had a pee accident a couple hours later while one of the techs was working with me, and I had to sit in my wet Pull-Up until we were done. Of course, I had another one during my nap that afternoon. I did better once I got home and had the kids to help me remember to go to the bathroom every now and then. It's obvious I need to focus better.

It's getting harder to stay in control. I'm still getting younger, I'm still shrinking, and my muscles are getting weaker by the day. How can I fight that? More accidents at the lab today! And this time, one of them was dirty! A tech named Callie took me to the bathroom and cleaned me up before I slipped on a clean Pull-Up. I actually felt like a baby! They told Ethan what happened when he picked me up this afternoon, and we had a little talk on the way home.

"Mikey, I think we might have to look at doing something different before long."

"What do you mean?" I thought I knew, but I hoped I was wrong.

"Well, your accidents are getting worse. If that keeps up, I'm afraid we're gonna have to put you in diapers."

I swallowed hard. "I was afraid of that."

"I know. I'm not trying to scare you. I brought it up because I thought you might want to have a choice in what kind you wore."

"What kind?"

"Yeah, like Pampers or Huggies."

The tears started falling then. I couldn't help it. But I answered him, anyway. "I think we always used Pampers on you guys. I know that's what we bought for Tommy. They worked pretty good."

"Okay. Pampers it is. If it comes to that." He reached over and patted me on the shoulder to try and comfort me. It didn't help much.