In Reverse, Part 12

You would think that as I shrank, my world would get bigger, but it's actually shrunk right along with me. At my age, everything is about keeping me safe and comfortable. That means keeping me in a small area. I can no longer go anywhere by myself, and there are times when the people I depend on aren't available to take me where I want to go, so I'm forced to wait. This limits my usual range of movement to the house and the lab, and even the idea of walking around the block on a whim is now a distant memory.

But I'm learning to cope. I've thrown myself into my playtime more than ever to distract myself from all the things I can't do anymore. I still have plenty of energy, so I can run and play for long periods before I need to rest. Of course, when I do need to rest, it tends to hit me pretty hard. When it's time for my nap or bed, I go right to sleep without any trouble. Speaking of no trouble, there's enough adult left in me that I never give any of my caretakers trouble when it's time for me to sleep. I understand there's a schedule to keep and I can play more later. If I have to be a little boy, I will at least be a good one.

Not to say that I'm perfect, of course. I had a couple accidents today. I don't know if it's because I'm weaker or because I got distracted, but I wet two Pull-Ups throughout the day. Everyone told me it was okay, accidents happen and encouraged me to try harder next time. At least I made it to toilet when I had to poop, but that was just barely.

I wasn't so lucky today. It was Saturday, so Tommy was home most of the day, playing video games. A couple of his friends had come over to play with him. We've kept my condition a secret from everyone except our closest friends like Joe. Ethan explained to Tommy that kids his age wouldn't understand and couldn't be trusted with the secret, so when he has friends over, he's to tell them I'm a cousin. I try to stay out of sight to avoid uncomfortable questions, though. Of course, that's what created the problems. Because I was trying to stay out of sight, I put off going to the bathroom and wet myself. Then I had no choice but to go to the bathroom and change my Pull-Up. As I walked past Tommy's room, I heard one of the boys ask "Who's that little kid?" Thomas did as Ethan told him and said I was his cousin Mikey. Luckily, the kids were too focused on their game to pay any more attention to me. After that, I didn't worry about letting them see me, but that didn't stop me from having another accident while I was playing.

Things didn't get much better after they left. I was watching TV with Tommy when a strong urge to poop suddenly hit me. I got up to go to the bathroom, but the urge was too much, and I pooped my pants. Thomas looked over and realized what was happening.

"Uh-oh. Don't worry, I'll go get Ethan."

He ran off to get my oldest son, who came into the room just as I finished going.

"Another accident, Mikey? It's okay, it's not your fault. Come on, let's get you cleaned up."

Ethan picked me up and carried me to the bathroom, where, for the first time, he wiped my butt off while saying reassuring things. He then helped me into a clean Pull-Up and put my pants back on me before disposing of my dirty training pants. It was embarrassing, but I kinda just zoned out while it was happening.

I feel like this journal is becoming my potty diary at this point. But like I said the other day, potty training is a big deal for a kid my age. I don't think I've even mentioned the fact that I'm too small to get on a normal toilet on my own now. I have to have help, so our house and the lab have both been equipped with toddler-sized training potties for me to use all on my own. How do you like that? Even when I'm being independent and "big," I'm still reminded how little I am.

My control is now very obviously weaker. I had an accident right after breakfast. I was barely aware I needed to pee right before I started going. I managed to stay dry until just before my afternoon nap when the same thing happened again. Shortly after dinner, I was playing with some toys in my bedroom when I was hit by a sudden urge to poop. I tried with all my strength to hold it, but I just couldn't. I messed my pants and had to tell Ethan I needed help cleaning up again. He didn't say anything different as he wiped me up, but I get the feeling my days out of diapers are coming to an end very soon.

Today started out like any other. Ethan carried me into the lab this morning with a bag holding a few extra Pull-Ups, my favorite blanket, and the stuffed rhino I've gotten attached to lately. I wish I could explain those last two other than to say that they comfort me, make me feel safe. I got settled into the little nook the staff had created for me with my phone and started playing games. A couple hours later, I felt the need to pee and started for the bathroom but didn't make it in time. I woke up from my afternoon nap (wet, of course) and had to poop. I stood up to go to the bathroom and lost it. I was forced to go to one of my co-workers, a woman named Brenda, and ask her to help me clean up. 

She was nice but condescending about it, making me feel even more like a little boy. After that, I had a meeting with Dr. Wallace.

"Good news, bad news, Michael. The bad news is that we've aged you at two now. The good news is that the anti-regression serum has been approved, and we've already started mixing it for injection. We expect to give you your first dose tomorrow or the next day."

"How long before it starts to work?"

She smiled. "Right away. If you're asking how long it'll be before you start to see results or what those results will look like, we don't know. What I do know is that we're finally in the home stretch here. We can finally fight back. We expect is that your regression will begin to slow down first, and after enough doses, it will eventually begin to reverse. We just have to be careful and monitor you to make sure we don't give you too much."

"You're right. This is good news. Thanks, Doctor--" I stopped short when I realized suddenly I had to pee very urgently. As soon as I realized it, I started going, flooding my Pull-Up.

Wallace guessed what had happened. "Hopefully, that will get better soon."

"Maybe, but I think Ethan's about to put me back in diapers."

"I know you've been afraid of that all along, but I've kept up with your condition, your accidents, and they've gotten much worse. It's not up to me, but I think at this point, wearing diapers would make things easier for you, less stressful. You wouldn't have to try to rush to the bathroom, and you wouldn't have to change your own pants anymore." She paused for a moment and added, "And you know, you could still make the decision yourself, tell Ethan you think it's time."

I looked at her as what she said sank in. This was my chance to maintain some level of maturity, autonomy, and independence.

When Ethan picked me up that afternoon, the lab updated him on my age and gave him a report of my day, including all of my accidents. As soon as we were in the car and on the road, with me buckled into my car seat, I spoke up. "I talked to Wallace today, and I came to a decision."

"What's that?"

"I've been having so many accidents lately, and they're not going to get any better. I think it's time I started wearing diapers."

Ethan nodded his head thoughtfully. "Okay. I appreciate your willingness to do that. I'll stop at the store on the way home and pick some up."

Our shopping trip included me riding in the seat at the top of the shopping cart while Ethan put a few packages of Pampers diapers, some baby wipes, and some powder into the cart. When we go to the register, the cashier, a middle-aged woman, noticed us and took the time to comment. "Aw, big brother's taking care of baby brother today, huh? How nice!" Turning to me, she asked, "Are you enjoying your time with big brother?"

I looked up at her and, feeling my irritation rise, decided to have a little fun. "Yes, Ma'am. We're having so much fun walking around the store buying diapers for me to poop in." I'd enunciated every syllable very carefully and clearly and said the entire thing with just enough sarcasm.

Unsure what to think or how to react, she gave me a shocked look. "Wow, what a smart little boy! I'm impressed!"

I grinned at her mischievously as we rolled away, and I heard Ethan laughing above me.

"That was nicely done, Mikey. Let's go home."

Once we got home, he took me to my bedroom and laid me down. My Pull-Up was wet because I'd stopped trying to stay dry and just gone in my pants. He took it off me, laid a diaper under me, sprinkled powder all over me, and taped it on.

"There you go. No more worrying about going to the bathroom and trying to stay dry and clean. You can still use the potty if you want, but you don't have to. You can let Sophie or me know when you want to be changed, or we'll check you now and then. Sound good?"

I nodded before getting up to go play. After weeks of dread and worry, the moment I'd feared has finally arrived, and I have to admit that giving in and going along with it instead of fighting a losing battle brings me some peace. 

Tomorrow, I might start my serum injections, but for now, I get to be taken care of, and that's appropriate at my age.