In Reverse, Part 13

You probably wouldn't believe how much of a weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I no longer have to worry about going to the bathroom, but I'm certainly surprised at how much easier my life has gotten since Ethan put me in diapers. I have now effectively become a small child again, fixating on playtime. I even have to be called away for meal times now. It's like all I want to do is play, but nobody really seems to mind. It's what's expected of a two-year-old.

My day now begins with a diaper change as I'm always wet in the morning, and sometimes Ethan or Sophie helps me get dressed for the day. They carry me to the breakfast table, where I'm put into a booster seat so I can reach the table. I'm allowed to play with someone's phone while I wait for breakfast to be ready, and then we eat. I can still feed myself, so I'm allowed to do that. I'm watched and sometimes reminded to eat because I sometimes get distracted and get playful. When we're done, someone packs my bag for the day, and I'm taken to the lab, where I'm carried inside for the day. A small play area with a few toys has been set up for me now, as well as a little cot for my naps. At the lab, one of the workers is assigned to be my caretaker for the day. They handle most of my diaper changes, which I'm usually aware of needing and capable of asking for on my own. My caretaker fixes or buys me a lunch, and I take a nap after I eat. When I'm not playing, I'm taking tests, working puzzles, answering questions, or giving blood samples. Blood draws have gotten more difficult lately as I've begun crying more, and my caretaker has had to start holding me while this is done. My daily serum injections, formulated to halt my regression, are easier since they don't take as long, but I worry about growing more sensitive to them as well. At five, someone picks me up and takes me home, where either Ethan or Sophie usually cooks dinner while I play. I get a some more playtime after dinner, or we watch TV together, and then I get a bath before I'm put to bed.

I've been on the serum for two days now, and I can't tell a difference yet, which doesn't surprise me. Wallace says I'll probably get younger before we see any results, but my regression will slow. Now that I've officially let go of my "big boy" status, that doesn't seem so scary. I don't use the toilet anymore. It's gotten to be too hard, no one expects me to, and I have very little control, anyway, so I just use my diapers and let people change me. I know that will seem gross to many people, but I've lost so much control at this point that I'm pretty much used to even messing myself, anyway. And since I'm a baby, I don't have to worry about cleaning myself up -- I get to relax and let others do that for me. It's embarrassing, but the convenience helps make up for that.

Ethan took me to the grocery store again this afternoon, and another first happened. We were in one of the aisles (I wasn't paying attention to which one) when a woman noticed me sitting in the basket talking to Ethan.

She couldn't help commenting. "What a smart little boy! How old is he?"

Ethan smiled at her and stammered slightly. "Uh, he's two."

"Well, he's such a good talker! Such a smart little guy! You must be one proud daddy!"

"Thank you. I am."

We rolled away, and Ethan whispered to me, "Sorry, Mikey. I guess that was bound to happen eventually, but I know it must be embarrassing. I'm afraid it's probably going to happen more too, so we'll just figure out the best way to deal with it."

"I know." I could hear the sadness in my voice. I'd accepted a lot lately and even gotten somewhat comfortable with my situation, but being mistaken for my own son's son was a new humiliation that I hadn't been ready for. I probably should have been. The worst part is I know he was right: we'll only hear more of it as I get younger.

My shrinkage and change in underwear have caused more changes in my wardrobe. Ethan and Sophie have started putting me in overalls and other things that are easily removed for quick access to my diapers. At home, I've begun to go around with nothing but a T-shirt on. I was a little embarrassed at first, especially with Tommy there, but he knew I was wearing diapers, and he'd already seen me in Pull-Ups, so it wasn't a much bigger step for him to see me wearing diapers. Plus, I'm really having to learn to accept my loss of privacy and dignity. So far, the older kids have been taking me to the newly-set up nursery (which is really just my toddler bed and a changing table right now) to change me when I need it, but I don't expect that will last forever, just like I know I'll probably eventually end up wearing cute onesies with snaps in the crotches. Babies don't have a lot of fashion options.

Good news! They checked my blood at the lab today, and they said they could tell my cells are beginning to stop merging. They're still doing it but not as fast as they were. The regression is slowing down! The serum is working!

Meanwhile, I'm stuck in the lab five days a week, a tiny toddler surrounded by adults all carefully moving around me. They're all so careful around me, careful not to accidentally bump or step on me, but whoever my caretaker for the day is still tries to keep me corralled and safe. After all, I'm still a toddler in an adult workplace, and it would be really easy for someone to get busy and distracted and knock me down as they rushed to get things done.

Yesterday, I had a conversation with Eric, one of my former co-workers as he was going over the data from one of my tests.

He looked at me quietly for a few seconds. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." I heard how odd the word sounded with my toddler's lisp, something I still hadn't gotten used to.

"What does all this feel like?"

"It's strange, embarrassing, of course. I was scared at first, of getting to this point, becoming this young and little and helpless. It was really stressful when I started to get this young, but now that I'm here and I've let go, it feels . . . not so bad. It's still a little embarrassing, but I can't help not being able to control myself or how little I am. I can't help that I need diapers. The idea of getting younger is still scary, but the serum gives me hope. Mostly, right now? I'm just kinda enjoying being little again and having fun. If I have to be a little kid again, I may as well have fun with it, right?"

Eric laughed thoughtfully. "Yeah, that makes sense. That's a good way to look at it."

Sophie was in a car wreck on the way home from school today. It was pretty bad, but she was only a little banged up. Ethan had to meet her at the emergency room, leaving me with Thomas. At 11, he's old enough to stay by himself for a while without getting into trouble. He's a smart and responsible kid. Unfortunately, he's also much bigger and better coordinated than I am at this point, so to my embarrassment, Ethan made it clear before he left the house that while he was gone, Tommy was in charge. No amount of rationalizing can erase a 45-year-old man's embarrassment as he stands there in a diaper and realizes he's now being babysat by his 11-year-old son. I understood the necessity of this. Ethan and Sophie could be hours at the hospital, even though we already knew she didn't seem to be seriously hurt, and Tommy and I didn't need to be there. Ethan left some instructions for food in case we got hungry before he got home and even gave Tommy permission to order some pizza.

As soon as Ethan was gone, I realized my diaper was wet. It wasn't soaked, but it was wet enough that I could feel it, and it would only get wetter. With Ethan and Sophie gone, the only person around to change me was Tommy. I've tried going it myself before, but I couldn't get the tapes right. My hands and fingers aren't coordinated enough anymore. Hopefully, Ethan and Sophie wouldn't take long at the hospital, and one of them could change me before I started to leak. I didn't want to think about otherwise.

Tommy looked down at me. "Well, what do you want to do first?"

I shrugged, deciding to put my mind on something else. "Some games?"

"Okay, let's go."

We went to the living room and started up some video games. Of course, with my fingers in the shape they're in now, I'm not as good as I used to be, but I still have fun, especially if I choose the right type of game. We mainly stuck to a racing game, which doesn't need as much coordination as other games.

After a while, Thomas said, "Um, do you, like, need your diaper changed?"

"No." I said it quickly, almost defensively, but the truth was the Pampers had gotten a bit wetter and heavier, and I knew I'd have to start thinking about getting it changed after a while.

"Good 'cuz I don't know if I'm ready for that yet."

"Neither do I."

When we got tired of playing games, we turned the machine off, and Tommy warmed up some leftovers in the fridge for us. He set up my booster seat and gave me a cup of water -- a regular cup because I still didn't need a sippy yet -- and we had dinner. While we ate, we talked about Sophie and the wreck.

"I hope she's really okay," Tommy said.

"She is. They just have to check her for internal injuries and stuff like that."

After we ate, we sat down to watch TV, and I was pretty soggy by this point. I was starting to get worried that Ethan wouldn't make it home in time. A little while later, the water I drank worked on me, and I realized I was soaked. I couldn't wait anymore.

"Tommy?"

"Yeah, Mikey?"

"I need my diaper changed now."

"Oh. Uh, is it, like, really bad?" He made a face as he said it.

"It's just wet, but it's really wet! It's about to start leaking. I know you don't wanna do it, but will you please change me?"

"What do I have to do?"

I took him to the nursery, where he helped me onto the changing table, and then I talked him through changing my diaper. It wasn't perfect, but he got the job done, and I felt a lot better once it was done. Ethan and Sophie finally came home about an hour later, and I was a little wet again. She'd gotten a clean bill of health, and they'd picked up drive-through on their way home. After they ate, she took a shower and went to bed while Ethan gave me a bath and put me to bed. It was a very weird evening, but it was nice to spend that time with Tommy. Now that we'd gotten our first experience with him as my babysitter out of the way, that was kinda nice too.