Chapter 46: In Search Of A Home

-Alexander POV-

The tunnel crumbles behind us, the tumbling roar of rock scraping past each other only to crash upon the ground drowned out all other sounds - not that there was much of that. Renji and I watched in silence as the underground entrance to Hyderabad was sealed behind us.

“I’ll miss them,” Renji says, eyes unwavering despite the dust that had been kicked up by the controlled demolition.

“Oh? I thought you hated them. Does Renji have a soft spot for dogs?” Renji blushed lightly at my teasing words, but didn’t hesitate to clap back.

“This coming from the person who built a bio-engineered forest for them to play in? Complete with all the prey, shelter and drugs they could ever need?”

“Oi, would you shut up about the drugs already? I made sure they wouldn’t cause any problems!”

“Oh no, only a horde of coked up super predators the size of bears with a worse attitude. Definitely not a problem,” Renji smirked.

I shrugged, not at all concerned that the international community would have to observe biotinkered monstrosities getting high. If they couldn’t leave well enough alone, despite the warnings from their Thinkers, then they deserved getting a Darwin Award.

Our ride was still where we left it, the gargantuan vehicle almost taking up all space in the tunnel. It had been modified, taken apart and rebuilt so many times it may as well be a completely different vehicle than the one we initially set off with to Jinzhou. Not because it had ever been damaged, it was simply another hobby of mine.

Kind of weird, if I was being honest. I never thought I’d become a gear-head but I guess life’s full of surprises.

Renji wasted no time, flinging open the door and slumping into the nearest chair - enjoying the air conditioning after the muggy air of Hyderabad. Kind of my fault, who knew setting off firestorms in a flooded city would make it so unpleasant?

“Aaahhhhh. That’s better. Honestly, air conditioning alone is proof that humanity deserves to be saved.”

My faint smile soured at the reminder of our previous conversation. I had thrown myself into work not long after, so I didn’t have much time to think about it, but I had agreed on his foolhardy request to save the world, hadn’t I?

The idea made me want to scream, and never stop screaming. How the hell was I supposed to do that?!

It was another reason why I needed a home base. If I was committed to this path, and I wasn’t completely sure I was yet, I would need somewhere to experiment. A place where no external factors could interfere.

Easier said than done. The South Pole wasn’t perfect, but this was Earth Bet - so I’d have to make do.

The peace and quiet would also hopefully help with coming up with a plan. I had no idea on how to kill Scion. No doubt many in my position would have made plans by now, forged alliances and pioneered new methods of entity killing.

Unfortunately, I was me.

But before all that, before all the planning and building, I would need to have a few conversations with Renji. It had become increasingly obvious to me that Renji had been growing and maturing, all while I had been standing still.

I didn’t know him anymore.

It hurt to admit that, but it was clear to me that Renji was no longer that same overly loyal creation of mine. We had talked before, in the tunnels. But it had been about inconsequential things. Food, technology, internet slang. None of it had been sincere on my end.

I had been using him to distract myself from my awful situation.

Renji deserved better.

“Sooo…” I began, not certain of how I wanted to start this conversation. The pause after my word dragged on, quickly becoming awkward. Okay, screw it. Just dive in head first, Alexander! Make it up as you go!

“What do you want to do? After this, I mean. Assuming we actually manage to defeat our enemy, or rather enemies, what will you want to do for the rest of your life?”

Not exactly the question I was planning on asking, it having been blurted out with zero filter attached. Still, the more I considered the question, the more I liked it. It would serve as a good jumping off point and the answer Renji gives could tell me a lot about him.

Renji gains a considering look upon his face at my question.

“I don’t really know. I always thought I could just follow you,” Renji answers after a long pause. The answer is expected, if a little disheartening.

“I see, that’s a shame.” I exhale softly, a flicker of discomfort flashes across Renji’s face before he rallies.

“Oh yeah? And what about yours,” he asks - challenging me to share my own wishes for the future.

It was a tough question for anyone to answer, truthfully. Humans had always had a complicated relationship with the future. Many in my world’s history had tried to read it, run from it and even shape it. Ask any person about their future and you’d receive a different answer, and attitude, for each one.

In my opinion, you could roughly place people’s reactions towards tomorrow into three categories.

The people who fear it, the people who don’t think about it and the people who look towards it.

There were nuances to that, of course, but that’s was my two cents on the issue. It was something I had considered a lot while I was remaking Hyderabad in the image of an alien dog park. So, when Renji asked, I already had my answer prepared.

“I don’t have one, I never had beyond some vague ideas that never panned out.”

Renji was clearly surprised by my answer, no doubt expecting a better answer than his own. Sorry Renji, but I was the type of person who feared the future - hence why I avoided thinking about it at all costs.

“If that is so, then why are you disappointed? My answer appears no different to your own!”

“It’s because it’s so similar to my own that I call it a shame,” I bluntly retort - because I know there’s more to Renji than that! Renji may have matured quickly but between his own young age and the lack of proper socialisation, it’s only natural that that would be his answer.

Understandable, but not justifiable on my part.

“Renji,” I began, “When I was a human I never looked towards my future. I always bent to the wills of others, always ‘went with the flow’. Perhaps that decision made me content, even let me feel at peace, but I was never truly happy. I never found my passion, only distractions.”

The words hurt, and I wanted to stop badly. It felt like rubbing an old and sore wound, like exposing something that never should have been exposed. It was an ugly part of me, an insecurity that had always haunted me.

What was the point in being alive if you weren’t happy?

I shuddered, sucking in a breath I knew I didn’t need.

“When I got here, to this world, I thought I had found it. It seemed so perfect, there I was: within a ruined city with all the power and knowledge necessary to fix it. For a moment, even among the absurdity and the all encompassing despair, I felt a spark of hope that this was it. This was the reason I was born.”

I felt a sardonic smile crawl its way up my lips. How wrong I had been, how utterly mistaken I was for thinking I could fix even the smallest portion of this miserable world.

“Then came Fukuoka, Jinzhou and Hyderabad. By this point that dream feels like ash in my mouth from how mistaken I was. It was never my passion, only another escape.” A sneer cut across my face, as I tried to desperately claw down the jittering feeling of being exposed.

“That’s why I’m disappointed, Renji. Not knowing what you want in life will only cause you misery. You’ll be led astray by fleeting pleasures, you’ll forever feel like something’s missing and eventually you won’t be able to take it. Being forever aimless is not what I expect from you, Renji.”

I could feel Renji’s eyes dissecting every bit of body language he could glean as he went over my words in his head. No doubt he could tell I felt deeply about this, and I knew - despite his stoic mien - that he was surprised by my divulging of something so clearly personal.

In truth, I didn’t think Renji was like me. The moment he heard there was a looming threat on the horizon his first and only thought was something along the lines of: ‘how do I kill it?’

It was very likely Renji would remain that way, endearingly straightforward. However if there was even the slightest odds he would end up like me then I had to do my best to smother that possibility in the cradle, as the last month had proven: I was not someone to emulate.

“You have expectations for me?” Renji’s question left his mouth with a queer lilt, as if he was eager to know I expected more from him than simple existence.

In all of the books and movies I had consumed voraciously over the years this would typically be the part where Renji was told no, that his existence alone was enough. It was a nice thought, quaint in its simplicity. Unfortunately, that wasn’t me.

“Yes.” The answer was blunt and to the point, I didn’t want even the tiniest shred of a misunderstanding to exist concerning this. “I want you to live Renji, and that implies far more than simple existence. I want you to struggle. I want you to suffer through the indignities of life and overcome them. I want you to laugh and love and be proud of yourself.”

Renji’s eyes glanced downwards at that, suddenly morose in a way I had not expected. When he looked up at me he did so with an expression I could not decipher. “Because you don’t think you’ve ever lived.”

It was not a question, Renji stated it as a fact. He looked at me with those sad eyes, asking if he was wrong. Unfortunately I could only give him a cold smile in return, and that was answer enough.

An invisible hand turned the ignition, and the bus roared to life before setting off at a steady pace. One hand gripped the steering wheel, the enormous bulk of my hand allowing me to encompass the wheel entirely as I fought to keep my expression steady.

That had been…rough. There was still a part of me screaming, asking me what the fuck I was even doing. Truthfully, I didn’t know. I only knew that it had been sincere.If Renji, or anybody else, didn’t care for that then there was little I could do.

A relationship couldn’t be built upon a weak foundation.

“I personally disagree that you haven’t lived at all, my friend, but you already knew that, didn’t you?” Renji’s sudden words only prompted a grunt from me, as I kept my eyes on the road.

Of course I knew that, Renji. You’ve always seen the best in me, but you also don’t know me - not fully. Hopefully by the time Golden Morning arrived you would understand me, and even accept the ugliest parts of me.

“But you know-“ Renji continued, his voice suddenly gaining a mischievous cadence “-if that parasite prevails I’ll never achieve those expectations. I highly doubt a few measly years would allow me to live to the fullest.”

The bus lurches suddenly, my hand on the steering wheel spasming.

I regain control immediately after, with only a few minor scuffs added to our vehicle as a result - but Renji had caught it.

The journey continued on in silence after that. Renji didn’t ask where we were going, and I didn’t say. My creation simply kept going, eating up the miles while I stewed in silence.

Because Renji was right.

If I just let things go forward without intervention it was very likely Renji would die. Something so blindingly obvious that a child could have pointed it out - hell, one did - but I hadn’t seen it. Why? Was it chance, or had I refused to consider it?

But that was the position I was in, wasn’t it? I had tried to keep Renji in the dark, knowing that if he had known the truth he would attempt to kill the entity - in vain - and die. Yet if I had succeeded he would have died anyway, and if I didn’t find a way to fight, or delay Golden Morning the Renji would still meet the same fate.

Why did that bother me so much?

When I had considered this thought before, imagined trillions screaming as they were dissolved by golden light, I had only felt a hollow despair. Even the thought of my own death had evoked no deeper reaction, only a further sense of helplessness.

Yet now, when I imagined Renji being so callously erased it wasn’t hollowness that I felt, it was a smouldering ember of hate.

‘Why is this so different?’

I was aware of the fact that I cared for Renji, wanted the best for him - but to the stent of being willing to fight Scion?! It was madness, there was no other word that could encompass the furious tempest that beat in my breast, that called for victory at any cost.

‘Ah, so that’s how it is.’

Perhaps creating Renji may have been a mistake. Not one I regretted, but clearly a mistake. My normal had clearly been compromised, in favour of someone I had only known for a month.

To the point I was willing to fight what many would consider a god.

Yet, my hand no longer shook. The thought of defying that golden light no longer terrified me, in its place was only a grim resolve.

I had to force back a mad, broken, cackle at the realisation.

‘Renji, what the hell have you done to me?’

AN: Wooooo! Power of friendship, bitches! Alexander is now resolved, begrudgingly, to fight Scion and win. He has no fucking clue how he’s going to do it, but it’s something he has time to work on.

Also a bit of character development, as Alexander actually talks about himself. Which is something he really doesn’t like to do. He doesn’t really like himself, but Renji won’t be alone in trying to help. I’ve got a very funny idea on how to get Renji some therapy support.

Also, as of writing this, I have no idea what the word count of this is. Usually I’d check, but I’m not using Word for this - on account of having to use my IPad. Corsica is nice, very sunny. Nice beaches.

Thanks for reading, please leave a comment!