Naruto Any% Speedrun — Chapter 1

I stared at the severed arm as it dripped white liquid akin to tree sap, lips pursed and brow furrowed. 

A sudden, terrifying roar in the distance drew my attention back to the Leaf Village and the motherfucking Nine Tails stomping across it. 

I blinked. 

I wasn’t dreaming. 

A sinking feeling pulled at my stomach, my spine chilling as if dunked in ice. 

I wasn’t dreaming. 

My feet moved before I realized, taking me the opposite way. A painful throb in my leg nearly gave me pause, but I ignored it, breaking into a sprint. Barely a few meters away, I suddenly froze mid-step. 

Part of me just wanted to keep running, but another screamed at the very idea. 

My gaze snapped back to the village behind me, another chilling roar sounding in the distance. People were dying as I stood here, wasting time. 

To abandon them… my village… 

A flash of heat burned in my chest at the very thought. 

I couldn’t. I had to help my village. I had to figh— 

I breathed in slowly, thoughts parting aside like water against a rock, mind coming sharply into focus. 

Fuck… 

This whole shit came with baggage, and— 

A sudden thought speared through my mind like a lightning bolt. 

Kushina! 

Bright, distant flames lit up within my mind’s eye as I readied my chakra on instinct, nearly pulling myself to the marker I’d left with her. I smothered that urge, lingering for a while longer, teeth grinding. 

Kushina was strong. She would last for a while longer. 

With another centering breath, I spun around, steeling my resolve. As I stared at the burning village, a crazy plan pieced together in my mind. 

My hands joined together in a familiar seal, a brief wave of exhaustion hit me as an identical copy of myself appeared in a puff of smoke at my side. It vanished from the spot in the blink of an eye, and I focused once more on gathering my chakra, entering sensor mode. 

Hopefully, it could take care of the tailed beast bomb. 

The bright flames returned, and, just like remembering how to ride a bike after many years, I searched among the beacons, latching to one with my chakra and pulling myself along.

The world around me instantly shifted as I appeared in the Leaf hospital, the medics and nurses rushing about staring at me in surprise. 

“Lord Hokage, what are you— 

I interrupted the middle-aged medic with a glare, barking out, “Chakra transfer. Now. I want five med-nin here this instant!” 

The whole room exploded into motion at my order, part of me watching in awe while I began kneading more chakra with practiced ease. 

The middle-aged guy placed his hands on my back, his chakra steadily seeping inside me while a younger woman rushed to my side from across the reception. With a cross sign, another shadow clone popped to life, meeting that woman halfway through and vanishing along with her an instant later. 

As two med nins rushed inside the room, I made one more shadow clone, watching it vanish as I waited for my chakra to steadily replenish. 

Those visions of an old future hung over my head like a guillotine. I had the chance to change everything. I just needed enough chakra. 

My hands formed a cross shape yet again, another shadow clone appearing at my side. 

Just three more… 

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She gritted her teeth, bearing through the pain as she hugged her newborn son to her chest, forcing herself to stay awake. Her limbs felt heavy and cold, and every breath felt like it could be her last, but she refused to give in. Not until Naruto would be safe. 

She had faith in Minato. She just had to cling to life a little longer. She could still take that damned fox with her before she died. 

A warm, familiar chakra suddenly appeared inside the room, bringing along another, and, despite the pain and exhaustion, she found herself smiling. He was back and he was safe. 

A pair of arms gently picked her up, and she cracked her eyes open, blonde hair filling her vision. 

“Minato…?” 

He smiled down at her reassuringly, holding her gaze, eyes more intense than usual. 

“I’m just a shadow clone.” A shadow clone? Why? “Rest for now, Kushina.” 

The other person stepped closer, placing her hands atop her stomach before a warm sensation bloomed across her navel, taking away some of the pain. 

A medic nin? Why? 

“I-I can’t help her, Lord Hokage.” The woman’s shaky voice reached her ears. “She’s dying…” 

Why was he wasting his chakra on a shadow clone? 

“You don’t have to. Just give her as much chakra as you can.” 

She tried to shake her head but couldn’t manage more than a slight twitch. “I don’t… need it. Don’t waste your time.” 

She had enough left to take the Nine Tails with her. 

“I’m not,” he said firmly, his hand squeezing her shoulder in reassurance. Her gaze went to Minato’s face as warm chakra flooded her body, and he gently brushed a lock of hair from her eyes, smiling softly all the while. 

“Don’t worry, I have a plan.” 

She felt her throat clench with a knot as he looked away, her vision suddenly blurring. 

She was dying. She wouldn’t get to see his smile ever again. Wouldn’t feel his warmth as he held her close. She wouldn’t get to see their child grow into a man— 

She gritted her teeth, quickly blinking the tears away, warm liquid trailing down her face. She had no time to wallow in self-pity. 

Her chakra slowly replenished, some strength returning to her limbs and chest feeling a little lighter, but that icy claw still gripped just as tightly at her stomach, the cold seeping deeper and deeper with every breath. 

“I can take it… back with me.” 

“You will— 

The clone paused as another Minato suddenly appeared at the other side of the room. Was he the real one? 

“Return the medic and go with the rest.” The rest? What plan did he have? 

Minato walked closer, face as if carved from rock and gaze like sharp steel as the med-nin scurried out of the way. He picked her up from the clone’s arms, eyes softening as he met her gaze. 

“I’m here, Kushina.” He squeezed her shoulder reassuringly, a tiny smile brightening his stern face. He finally came back. “I have a plan, but I need your help— 

He abruptly froze, eyes growing wide as he tensed before the world instantly changed around them, the room replaced by a wide clearing surrounded by trees. 

“What are you— 

The question died on her lips when she heard the loud, terrifying roar that came from behind and felt the vile, oppressive chakra flooding everywhere around. 

“Quickly, bind him with your chains and make a barrier.” he said, gently lowering her to the ground and stepping aside, the giant form of the Nine Tails finally coming into view. 

Gritting her teeth, she fought through that cold feeling, the exhaustion, and the pain, gathering as much chakra as she could. She shaped it into thin, unyielding threads, and pushed it out of her back, dozens of golden chains bursting forth and fanning out like a blooming flower. 

Her chains rushed towards the monster like hungry snakes, finding purchase despite its angry, desperate struggles and binding it tightly enough to prevent its movement. 

She watched the Nine Tails for a while longer, bracing her hands on her knees to stay upright as her chest heaved, cold sweat beading her forehead and sticking her clothes to her back. 

Catching her breath, she guided her unused chains around the clearing, wrapping the place into a barrier as her gaze searched around for Minato. She quickly found him a little to the side, just as he summoned a ritual altar, surrounded by a familiar looking sealing array. 

Her blood froze, and she nearly lost her focus on the chains. 

No… 

A sinking feeling pulled at her stomach as her eyes darted around frantically, only to find nothing. Naruto wasn’t here. She breathed a sigh of relief, slumping even more on herself. That was good. She kept hope that he wouldn’t seal that awful creature inside their child. 

A wave of dizziness suddenly washed over her, blurring her vision as she struggled to stay upright and maintain the binding chains. As her sight came back into focus, she peered through the hair matted to her face, watching as Minato stood up from next to the altar before banishing it away. 

Her brows furrowed as he met her gaze with a small, self-assured smile. 

“Minato, what are you doing?” 

“Don’t worry, Kushina.” His smile grew a little wider, turning lopsided. “I’m about to do a pro gamer move.” 

She blinked, brow creasing in confusion. “A wha— 

Another terrifying roar washed through the clearing as the Nine Tails kept struggling against its bindings, managing to loosen a few chains before she tightened them once more. 

The dizziness returned, leaving her head swimming while she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to focus on her erratic breathing. She barely got a few moments of reprieve before Minato’s chakra surged, her eyes flying open just in time to see his hands blurring through hand seals, a familiar sequence that brought a sinking feeling to her stomach. 

“The Reaper Death Seal?!” The blood froze in her veins. “That jutsu kills you!” 

“Doesn’t matter, I have a plan.” With a final clap of his hands, a dense mass of chakra emerged behind him, unfolding into the gaunt specter of her clan, a horribly grinning visage and white hair that heralded impending death. 

“A plan?” Her voice rose as she stared in disbelief. “You need to be there for Naruto!” 

“And I will. We both will.” 

What? 

Those words looped uselessly through her mind as the specter reached a bony hand through her fool of a husband, a ghostly appendage emerging from the other side and stretching all the way towards the Nine Tails. 

Long, clawed fingers sank in the tailed beast as it futilely thrashed against the chains, gripping at its chakra and swiftly tearing out half of it with impunity. The Nine Tails shrank to half its size, the chains loosening around its body as the ghostly appendage dragged that mass of chakra inside Minato, a seal burning itself on his navel as he grimaced. 

A sudden wave of pain had her doubling over, warm liquid bubbling up her throat as she retched, bright red blood splashing the grass at her feet. 

“Tighten the chains, Kushina!” Minato’s voice barely registered, her vision swimming as her chest heaved with pained breaths. 

Blood dripping down her chin, she gritted her teeth, gathering what little chakra she could muster and tightening her chains once more around the beast. Another wave of dizziness left her head spinning as the Nine Tails kept struggling against its bindings, and she briefly closed her eyes, sweat pouring down her face. 

A pair of arms suddenly gripped her shoulders, propping her upright. She opened her eyes, Minato’s pained smile filling her vision as he knelt in front of her. 

“Just a little longer, Kushina,” he said, breathing heavily as he placed his left hand on her navel. “Stay awake.” An odd sensation followed, and her eyes grew wide when she saw the lines of sealing script unwrapping from his hand and crawling across her stomach. 

He was giving her the Eight Trigrams Seal?! Why? She didn’t need a seal to drag that monster to the grave with her! 

“Drag him back inside you!” 

“Why the seal, Minato? I could’ve done this from the start! Now you’re dying too, you fool!” 

“Because this way you get to live.” Those blue eyes like cold steel bored intensely into hers. “And I get the power to end this madness.” 

What? 

“What on earth are you saying, there’s no— 

“Trust me, Kushina!” He grunted in pain, teeth gritting as he breathed heavily before pushing a reassuring smile to his face. “Just trust me and hurry.” 

Her thoughts spun around in circles as she stared at him. She had no idea what went through his head, but she had to trust him. That nearly mad glint in his eyes gave her no other choice. She’d follow whatever his insane plan was until the end. 

“Okay.” She nodded slightly. “I trust you.” 

Sweat poured down her face as she willed her chains to return, slowly reeling them in and dragging the weakened Nine Tails despite its angry thrashing. Its paws dug trenches in the earth as it tried to resist, but her chains didn’t falter, pulling him back meter by meter. 

“Get ready for the sealing.” 

She nodded, too focused on yanking in the beast to dare speak, a quiet grunt escaping her as she pulled as hard as she could. Her chains reeled in the monster thrice as fast, the Nine Tails quickly turning into a mass of vile chakra that seeped back inside her, those slitted eyes glaring hatefully until the very last moment. 

Minato gripped at her navel, his hand turning clockwise, and she bit back a scream as molten fire roiled in her stomach. Squeezing her eyes shut and clenching her jaw, she focused on her breathing, pushing through the pain for a moment that seemed to last forever as the oppressive chakra settled inside her seal. 

Back clammy with cold sweat and stomach aflame, she opened her bleary eyes, vision swimming for a moment as she met the small, tired smile on Minato’s face. 

“What… now?” 

His hands squeezed her shoulders a little tighter, but his comforting touch felt hollow as her mind came back into focus and she saw the specter looming behind him slowly draw its dagger. 

Then it swung down, severing the tether, and Minato grimaced. 

Minato… 

“You won’t die, Kushina…” he struggled to push the words through his teeth, face pale. “An Uzumaki can survive long enough… and returning a tailed beast to the host will prevent their death.” 

Her eyes flew wide. “What—how can you even know that?” 

Was that even possible? 

“It’s a lo— 

He choked on his words, gripping his chest while struggling to breathe, his chakra like a dying ember as he collapsed to the ground at her side. 

“Minato!” She tried to reach for him, but her body disobeyed, the weight in her navel anchoring her to the ground as she barely kept upright. 

He looked up, their gazes meeting for a moment as he gave her a pained smile, before vanishing from her sight. 

She stared at the empty spot, eyes stinging as her heart sank in her chest. 

Minato… 

Her throat clenched, vision blurring with tears as they trailed freely down her face. A small part of her distantly realized how that icy feeling had long stopped freezing her insides. 

She wasn’t dying anymore… 

Minato had saved her. 

Her chest tightened as she hunched over, a quiet, choked sob escaping her throat. 

Minato… 

Tears streamed down her face as she gripped weakly at her dress. She barely registered when Hiruzen and the ANBU flickered in the clearing and rushed towards her. 

…why did you leave me… 

__________________________________________________________________________

The braziers at the center flickered to life as Number 4 poked them with a finger, the flames casting a soft light inside the chamber. Number 1 gently lowered the corpse on the floor, gaze wandering to the tall rack filled with creepy masks at the back. 

Number 3 walked in, the bound and gagged, sobbing man hauled over a shoulder like a sack of potatoes, before dropping him unceremoniously on the ground. Great. Now he was making even more noise… 

Sparing the man a brief glance, Number 3 kicked him in the ribs, perhaps in the hope to shut him up, but that only turned the volume even higher. 

You’d think that ninjas would be more hardened than this… wasn’t this guy supposed to be a chūnin? 

“For the record, I just wanna say that was extremely retarded.” Number 3 spoke up, a frown on his face. 

Number 2 sighed loudly. “Will you stop complaining already? It was the best choice with the shitty hand we got dealt.” 

For real, who the fuck spawned in their isekai at a time like this? Everyone got years of prep time, and meanwhile, ya boi woke up in the frying pan, with the heat dialed at fucking max. 

“Also, the riskiest.” Number 1 folded his arms under his chest. 

“High risk, high reward.” Number 4 joined in, only to get a scoff from Number 3. 

“Dude, stop rationalizing the stupid, it just makes you prone to more of it.” 

Number 2 couldn’t help but sigh. “It’ll work, you’ll see. Then it’s smooth sailing.” 

“Yeah, we got this in the bag,” Number 1 agreed. 

“Bro, I’m staring at my own fucking corpse right now and I’m having some doubts.” 

“Stop being a drama queen.” 

Number 3 shook his head, crossing his arms with a sour face as he went quiet. 

“The old monkey knows the Reaper Seal, too,” Number 4 said, eyebrow cocked. “Why didn’t we use him?” 

A quiet snort escaped Number 2. There were easier ways to shove this timeline to the shitter. 

“Because that shriveled mushroom couldn’t even seal Orochimaru fully. You think he could’ve split the fucking Nine Tails in half? If he failed, bro would’ve had to do this anyway, but the village would be down two Hokage. Do you want Danzō to pull a fast one? Roachy is still in the village. Do you want to speed-run a bad end?” 

Number 4 met Number 3’s quirked brow with a roll of the eyes. “Alright, alright, I get it.” 

“Besides, if this blows up in our face, at least it’ll be solely our fault.” 

“Very reassuring,” Number 1 chimed in dryly. 

“He also needed to do this to become a jinchūriki.” Number 3 tapped his navel with a smirk, a look of realization dawning on Number 4’s face. 

“Ah, right. That thing can only seal shit inside the user.” 

“Yeah.” 

Well, they could’ve still used the mask to free the other half and seal it elsewhere, but only if the old monkey didn’t fuck it up. 

“Wait.” Number 1 held up a finger, as if just remembering something. “Don’t we need Naruto to have Kurama for that prophecy shit?” 

Number 3 snorted. “Fuck the prophecy, we can solo this verse.” The others glanced at him, a beat of silence passing, before they nodded in nearly perfect sync. 

“Yeah, he’ll think about something once we bring him back. Bro’s gonna have infinite chakra. He’s got this thing in the bag.” 

“Wasn’t it better to just put that furry back inside Kushina in full? No need for any of this convoluted bullshit.” 

An amused sound escaped Number 1 as he shook his head at Number 4. 

“Bro, she kept him in full bondage without a safe word. You really think that Kurama would’ve worked together with her in a reasonable timeframe? Her talk-no-jutsu game is weak as fuck.” 

Number 4 opened his mouth, only to close it just as fast as he took a moment to think about it. “Yeah, makes sense. He probably has better odds to convince the Yin half to play ball.” 

Probably? The fox might play nice the moment he saw the Burrito timeline. 

“Ideally, he’d convince both, but even half of Kurama is enough to mop up that fancy-eyed cripple and his friends.” 

A beat of silence passed as they all shared a look with Number 2 before nodding. 

“By the way, one of us needs to go talk to Hiruzen about our brilliant plan,” Number 1 spoke dryly. “It’d be weird if bro came back during his own funeral.” 

There was another, longer pause, all four of them looking briefly between each other, before three voices rang through the room almost in sync. 

“Not me!” 

Three pairs of eyes shifted to Number 4. “Sorry, dude, but you were the last.” 

The poor bastard gave Number 1 a dirty look, grumbling quietly under his breath, before suddenly vanishing. 

Quiet sobbing drew their attention to the man on the floor, Number 3 quickly kicking the crybaby once again in the vain hope of making him shut up. 

Amidst the annoying background noise, Number 1 suddenly breathed out a quiet “Fuck.” 

Number 3 quirked an eyebrow in his direction. “What? You’re low on chakra?” 

“No, I just realized something…” Number 1 trailed off, a dawning look of horror in his eyes. 

“What?” 

Number 1 looked at them, grim-faced. “Edo Tensei lack bodily functions.” 

Number 2 blinked, a sinking feeling in his gut. Oh… 

“Okay, and?” Number 3 crossed his arms like an ignorant fool. “We know that, what’s the big deal?” 

This was truly the worst timeline… 

“Bro, you don’t get it. He can’t fuck. He’s got that bombshell of a redhead back home, and he can’t fuck.” 

A pin-drop silence filled the room, Number 3 staring blankly at the corpse, mouthing a quiet “Fuck”.

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Author’s Note: Canon? What’s that? :V

P.S: Don't worry, this guy is getting his dick back way faster than the Kurama SI.