Joji's Bizarre Adventure Part 1: Divine Comedy — Chapter 1

A drop of cold sweat trailed unpleasantly down my back as I sat across from the Strongest Human, my cup of leaf juice still untouched. I had no words to express how utterly screwed I was.

“Don’t be so stiff, Georg,” Cao Cao said, taking a long quiet sip from his own tea. “I’m not here on any business.” 

I’d rather he wasn’t here at all. My apartment was the only place where I could hide away from this craziness and pretend that everything was still just fine. 

I pushed a polite smile on my face, taking a tentative sip out of my cup, only to barely hold back a grimace as I swallowed. Ewww. Whatever thousand-year-old ginseng this guy brought me tasted like ass. 

“Sorry, you just caught me a little by surprise.” 

This jackass barged in just when I was getting ready to beat my meat to some premium fallen angel nudes. I would’ve punched him in the face if he wasn’t my boss. And if he wasn’t stronger than me. 

“Ah, I apologize if I showed up at a bad time,” he said, an apologetic smile coming to his lips. “I simply felt like visiting my dear friend.” 

Dear friend? Maybe in another life. 

Part of me bristled at the thought, but I did my best to ignore it. Georg might’ve eaten up his kool aid, but I knew what Coo Coo was like. Spouting flowery words every time he opened his mouth, but this guy didn’t have a single noble bone in his body. Just your typical egocentric asshole. 

Cao Cao took another sip from his tea, a brief silence falling between us. As he placed down his cup, he looked me in the eye, a stifling weight behind his gaze. 

“Perhaps I’m just feeling a little restless.” An unpleasant feeling coiled in my stomach as he spoke. “We are on the cusp of proving that humanity does not live at the mercy of the supernatural. We aren’t prey and we’ve never been. We are the inheritors of the stars, and it is time we reminded the world that human will does not bend and most certainly does not break.” 

Case in point. The more I listened to this guy, the more he sounded like an actual cult leader. No wonder he’d gathered so many people to his side. He was dangerous. 

“I’m glad to have you at my side, Georg,” Cao Cao spoke again after a moment, a rare smile on his face. “I’ll be counting on you for what’s to come.” 

Yeah. My afterschool club of young, troubled terrorists was about to get really freaky. I had to scram while I still had the time. 

“I’ll do my best.” 

I nodded along, smiling despite how my stomach twisted in unease. If he found out I could barely do my magic nowadays, he’d ask some pointed questions that I wouldn’t have an excuse for. 

Only bits and pieces of Georg’s memories were coming back to me, and human magic was basically math. I hated math. I could barely remember a handful of spells when I had no doubt that this guy must’ve memorized a whole friggin library during his time at the edgy Hogwarts. 

The only reason I wasn’t running around like a headless chicken was my Sacred Gear. As long as I had that, there was still hope. 

A beat of awkward silence bounced between us while Coo-Coo finished his tea, and I did my best to keep my cool despite his placid gaze still pinning me with goosebump-inducing intensity. 

“You look a little tired, friend.” 

No shit. Wonder why. 

“Yeah, I didn’t get much sleep last night,” I said, scratching the back of my head with a sheepish smile. 

Kindly fuck off already, dude. 

“Lost yourself in your books again?” A flicker of amusement crossed Cao Cao’s face as he chuckled. “Don’t push yourself too hard. I’d say you should simply focus on your Sacred Gear, but I know how much you enjoy studying magic.” 

Yeah. I had almost a hundred books on magic, but none of them could help me figure a way to leave the server. 

“I’ll try to take it easier.” 

“Good,” he said, his chair scraping on the floor as he sat up and adjusted his weeaboo coat. “Then I’ll be leaving you to rest. If you need something, don’t hesitate to let me know.” 

Yes, one ticket out of this fucking universe, please. 

Sending me another smile, he gave me a friendly pat on the shoulder as he walked by. I stood there, an unpleasant feeling coiling in my stomach like a bad meal as the door closed behind Cao with a soft click. 

It took another moment before I remembered to breathe, slumping in my seat. 

Fuck my life. 

Sitting up like a man heading for the gallows, I shambled to the minibar and grabbed the chocolate liquor, pulling off the cork and gulping straight from the bottle. Licking my lips, I placed the liquor on the counter and leaned over with a heavy sigh, staring absentmindedly at the polished surface. 

Man, why did it have to be DxD… 

Why not Pokémon? I could’ve died happy with a cute Gardevoir at my side… 

<<scene break>>

I rolled on my back with a long-suffering groan, staring at the cream-colored ceiling, mind swimming with jumbled thoughts. My eyes drifted to the half-drained bottle on the nightstand before looking away with a heavy sigh. If I kept drinking, I was getting drunk for real, and I had enough problems already… 

Slowly, I raised a hand above my face, purple mist wafting out like a thin haze around it. Even with the perfect power at my fingertips, getting out of the universe was easier said than done. I could, in theory, but… 

I had to somehow get past that stupid Dimensional Gap. I had a friggin Longinus, but even that wasn’t strong enough to pierce all the way through the fucking heavens… 

Cutting off the mist, I rested my arm back on the bed, a quiet, silly giggle escaping me at the mental image. Maybe I was already drunk. 

I probably just had to train my Sacred Gear more… or find someone strong enough to help me tear through that inter-dimensional hymen. 

Pulling myself upright, I absentmindedly reached for that bottle of sweet, velvety liquor, eyes wandering aimlessly across the dim-lit room. There wasn’t much to bring along, and whatever I could, I’d already stashed inside my Sacred Gear. Pocket spaces for the win. 

Smiling to myself, I took a hearty gulp from the bottle, the lukewarm chocolate liquor soothing my nerves as I propped myself against the bed rest with a tired but oddly content sigh. 

Maybe being a terrorist wasn’t that bad? 

I could eat whatever I wanted. Drink all that fancy, expensive shit at the bar. I had a whole luxury apartment for myself. And I could whale as much as I wanted in Korean MMOs without feeling the tiniest bit bad about it… 

Well, I still had no bitches, but that was kinda my fault. I haven’t put much effort, but having to deal with a twenty-four seven existential dread made it hard to find the motivation. And what was the point anyway? I wasn’t going to stay here longer than I absolutely had to. 

I took another swig from the half empty bottle, licking the chocolate from my lips as I stared blankly across the room. 

Or maybe I was just afraid of commitment. I had a booty call a literal phone call away and nothing was stopping me except for myself… 

A heavy sigh escaped me as my eyes drifted back to the cream-colored ceiling, a wave of depression settling over my shoulders like a cold, suffocating blanket. 

I stood there, the seconds trickling by amidst the stifling silence, thoughts looping in my head like a broken record. 

Imagine having the power to travel anywhere except for the places you really wanted. I would’ve laughed if it was anyone else. 

My gaze flickered again to the liquor, temptation warring within me with reason, though in a strange moment of clarity, I placed the bottle back on the nightstand. For a heartbeat, the temptation to lie down on the velvety mattress and take a nap nearly overpowered me, but in the end, I moved to the edge of the bed with a long-suffering groan. 

Alright. Fuck it, we ball. Sixth time’s charm. We’re getting out of DxD with this one. 

Smiling, I hopped off the bed and threw on my snazzy, red coat, fixing the lapels and buttoning it up. I stopped by the mirror, looking at my reflection. I looked like anime Harry Potter, except twice as depressed. 

Thirty percent shut in. 

Twenty percent sleep deprived. 

Fifty percent nerd. 

And hundred percent future terrorist if I didn’t do anything over the next few weeks. 

Yep. Just perfect. 

Snorting quietly to myself with a shake of the head, I made my way to the fridge and grabbed a fat, juicy lemon and took a bite, rind and everything. A pleasant shiver shook through my body as I chewed slowly, the zesty and bitter flavor prickling at my tongue. 

Aw yiss, dis the good shit. 

As I got ready to leave, I paused halfway through the living room, my phone catching my eye on the coffee table. My stomach churned with a flicker of excitement as I saw the notification on the screen. 

Did she send me more pictures? 

That anticipation quickly turned to disappointment as I opened the app. There was a distinct lack of new pictures, but her newest message made up for it. 

[Mistress K]: Wanna come over and paint Starry Night all over my back? 

An image of pale, luscious flesh and a figure from my wildest dreams flashed to mind at her shameless invitation, and for a heartbeat, I hesitated, that sweet promise of a night to never forget slowly chipping away at my resolve. 

Sighing, I shook my head, smiling wryly as I started typing. 

Maybe if things were different. 

Or maybe if I was… 

[Joji the 2nd]: Sorry, not today. Gonna try escaping the Matrix again. Wish me luck. 

It was a sort of inside joke between us. She’d kept playing along so far, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she thought I was crazy. It was hard to tell what she really thought about me, though. Probably because we only spoke over text… 

I waited for a while, finger hovering over the menu button, and just as I was about to close the app, a new message appeared at the bottom. 

[Mistress K]: Be careful. I’d only have that cheeky brat to entertain me if you died. 

A quiet snort escaped me. Maybe she did care, huh? 

[Mistress K]: I’ll have something nice for you when you come back. 

Her second message gave me pause, that flicker of excitement coiling in my gut anew. Maybe I should leave this for tomorro— 

I shook my head, fighting the temptation. No. I wasn’t staying in this shitty world any longer than I absolutely had to. 

My gaze lingered on her last message, a frown on my lips as my fingers hovered over the keypad. A moment later, I closed the app with a forlorn sigh. I could ask, but she probably wouldn’t want to leave anyway. She might be in the doghouse now, but she had something decent going for her in this world. She wouldn’t drop everything to go with a guy she’d only met once to fuck-knows-where. 

I’d miss this, though… 

Ignoring the sour feeling curling in my chest, I pocketed my phone and walked to the door. At least I had a nice memento to remember her by. 

Taking another bite out of the lemon, I slipped on my shoes and rolled my neck a few times. Alright, bozo. Time to finally get that Gardevoir wife. Fingers crossed. 

Stashing the half-eaten lemon in my pocket, I licked my fingers clean before wiggling my hands like a third-rate magician. A moment later, my awesome Sacred Gear came out of my palms in a purple fart cloud that spread in all directions like a plague. 

“Shazam!” 

<<scene break>>

A deathly quiet, kaleidoscope of colors swirled around me like in one of my bad trips as I stood there, floating sideways with my legs crossed. The suffocating nothingness of the Dimensional Gap was pressing down on me like a physical force, slowly eroding the barrier I’d wrapped around myself with Dimension Lost. 

It looked kinda neat, but I didn’t need more depression. Thankfully, I’d brought with me my emotional support lemon. 

Adjusting myself a little until I was floating upright, I dug in my pocket and took out my second favorite fruit after peach. Taking another juicy bite, I stashed the rest back in my pocket, saving it for later as I licked my fingers. 

I had maybe ten minutes of swinging my dick around the place like a caveman before I had to call it quits again. More than enough. This was either do or don’t, nothing in-between. 

Lips pursed, I closed my eyes in focus, violet mist leaking out of my hands as I did my best to push deeper through the emptiness of the Gap. Beads of sweat formed along my brow as I kept going, seconds blurring together as I lost track of time. It was like trying to push against a fucking brick wall. Those fanfiction Gary Stues were making this shit look easy, but I’d be having an easier time fighting Cocoa than breaching this epilepsy-inducing void. 

Slumping over with an exhausted sigh, I blinked my eyes open, wiping my brow with the back of my arm as the smoke around me slowly faded away. It was time to get out of here before I ended up dissolving like pop rocks in soda. 

A frown settled on my face as I held out both hands, reinforcing the protective barrier surrounding me. Another failure, but I’d feel better after rubbing one out and pwning some scrubs in pvp with my new +15 weapon— 

The emptiness around me suddenly shifted. I couldn’t put it into words, but it sent a chill crawling up my spine, as if something was watching me. I instinctively turned around, barely biting down on a yelp as I came face to face with the impassive face of the world’s strongest loli hag. 

I breathed in sharply, eyes flying wide as I took an unconscious step back. 

Oh shit, Ophis. 

“You’re making noise,” she spoke, voice soft yet utterly flat. 

Noise? I hadn’t even said anything yet. 

“Apologies, Great Ophis,” I said with a deep bow of my head, swallowing nervously as she watched me unblinkingly for a long, tense moment. 

This could go so wrong… 

“Are you here to finally get rid of Stupid Red?” 

Oh fuck. 

Swallowing a sudden knot in my throat, I met Ophis’ blank gaze, doing my best to not cower like a little bitch. 

Lying might get me killed. The truth my also get me killed. 

“Not yet, I’m afraid.” 

Ophis blinked, simply floating there motionlessly, and despite looking the epitome of zen, that nagging feeling at the back of my mind kept screaming at me to run away from this thing before it ended me. 

“But I have an idea that should helpyouwiththat,” I quickly added, and that feeling of existential terror suddenly lessened as Ophis let out a quiet, intrigued sound. 

“Explain.” 

A relieved breath escaped me, and I took a moment to compose myself as a crazy idea unfolded in my head. 

“Well, there’s other worlds beyond the Gap,” I said, gesturing around the place. “And there are bound to be powerful beings who’d pick a fight with Great Red.” 

I had nothing to lose except my life but fuck it we ball. If she hadn’t killed me yet, she probably wouldn’t. And if I died, I wouldn’t have to worry about all this shit anymore. Maybe I’d even wake up somewhere nicer. 

“I could look around and point them here, but I’d need your help with getting beyond the Dimensional Gap.” 

Saying my piece, I waited anxiously, a drop of cold sweat falling uncomfortably down my back as Ophis kept floating in front of me like a menacing statue, her emotionless stare boring straight into my soul. 

Shit, maybe this was a bad idea— 

“I see.” Was all she said before poking me in the chest with a dainty finger. 

My eyes flew wide, breath catching in my throat as a rush of power suddenly flooded my body, like an electric jolt coursing through my veins. A torrent of violet mist burst out of my hands as my Sacred Gear activated on its own, flooding the void around me with a thick curtain that expanded in every direction like a tidal wave. 

What the fu— 

I only had time to put half a coherent thought together, the void suddenly twisting all around me like out of an MC Escher picture book, before a wave of vertigo rattled my skull and everything went dark. 

<<scene break>>

I stirred awake with a groan, back stiff and mouth dry. Ughh… what the hell hit me… 

Blinking my bleary eyes open, I saw a clear, red sky tinted with dark orange hues that reminded me of sunset. I pulled myself upright with a grunt, brow further creasing in confusion as I took in my surroundings. 

The sky was devoid of a sun, looking as if perpetually stuck in twilight. A flat expanse of land stretched everywhere around, rusty red like a giant, dried-out brick. Rocks of varying sizes and shaped littered this desolate landscape, the faint smell of brimstone lingering in the air. 

Eyes widening in recognition, I quickly pushed myself up, despite the muscles aching in protest. 

Hell? What the fuck, Ophis, you had one job— 

A wave of dizziness suddenly hit me, and I nearly stumbled over my own feet. As I regained my bearings, I finally noticed the strange, oppressive feeling weighing down on my shoulders like the bone-deep exhaustion after a tiring day of work. 

No, this wasn’t the Underworld. I’d been there, and it never felt suffocating like this. 

Frowning, I reached deep within for my Sacred Gear, the purple mist seeping out in a thick haze. Before it could disperse around on its own, I willed it around my body like a comforting blanket, that unpleasant feeling from before finally easing up. 

Dimension Lost might not have the same big dick energy as most other Longinus, but in times like I was glad to have it. 

Dusting myself off and fixing my coat with a sigh, I took a better look around, hoping to spot any signs of life or civilization. 

What the hell was this place? Post-apocalyptic Earth? Alien planet? Another under— 

A flash of movement caught my eye next to a rock formation in the distance, a lone humanoid figure walking across the desolate land. I couldn’t tell much else from this far away, so I approached it at a brisk pace. 

A feeling of unease settled in my gut as I walked closer and got a better look at that figure. It wasn’t a person, but a tall skeleton monster that shambled around aimlessly as if patrolling the place. 

I halted mid-step, legs tensing as the rattling sounds of its footsteps reached my ears. Before I could even finish taking a good look at it, the monster suddenly paused, its skull turning to face me, eye sockets glowing with dim, unholy light. 

Oh shit. 

My first instinct was to run, though my legs refused to move, as if scoffing at the idea. I wasn’t a weak, defenseless human anymore. I knew magic, even if only a handful of it. I could—should—destroy this creature with extreme prejudice. 

As I hesitated, the skeleton monster fully turned around, breaking into a run towards me like an enraged bull. 

I had to blast it away with magic. 

My legs tensed, ready to spring me into action, but there was plenty of space between us already. My hands twitched with an uncertain movement as a thought looped inside my head, drowning everything else. 

A spell. I needed a spe—fireball. 

I lifted a hand, palm pointing at the foul creature as I combed my brain for the magic circle. 

Fire. Ignition… 

My mind drew a blank, unease coiling tightly in my stomach as I watched the rapidly approaching monster. 

C’mon! What’s the fucking formula?! 

The skeleton had already crossed half the distance. 

Fuck it—magic blast. 

This spell circle instantly flashed to mind. 

Mass. Velocity. Got it. 

Taking a slow, steadying breath, I adjusted my aim, focusing on the rest of the magic formula as I drew upon my magic energy. 

Trajectory… 

The monster was only a few feet away, bulky hands reaching out, those fingers tipped with sharp claws. 

Fuck trajectory, just let it rip! 

A wave of force exploded out of my hand with the sound of a thunderclap, hitting the monster squarely in the chest and blowing it apart like a bitchslap from an angry god. 

Bone fragments flew all over the place, the skull spinning through the air and landing behind a rock. Staggering from the inertia, the rest of the body wobbled in place for a second, then fell to the ground with a rattling sound. 

An eerie quiet filled the place as I stared wide-eyed at the unmoving pile of bones. 

Holy shit. Did I just do a force push? 

A thrill rushed through my veins, but I didn’t let it distract me. I kept an eye on those bones, waiting cautiously. Reanimating skeletons were a thing, and I wasn’t going to die to something dumb like that. 

Thankfully, those bones seemed to remain still on the ground, and, as the better part of a minute passed without anything happening, I finally let out a relieved breath, the tension leaving my shoulders. 

After waiting a bit longer, just to make sure, I carefully approached that pile of bones, studying it for a moment. Nothing struck me as unusual, though. Just a bunch of bleached-white bones, the magic binding them together long gone. 

Cool. 

Part of me hoped that this was the only skeleton monster walking around, but I knew better than to assume such silly things. 

Sighing, I adjusted my glasses, though as I threw another brief glance at the desolate landscape, a sudden thought hit me like a slap in the face. 

I could’ve just used Dimension Lost to send the monster to the shadow realm… 

I slumped forward, another long-suffering sigh escaping me. I should’ve fought more stuff before doing this. I couldn’t afford any mistakes against stronger opponents. 

Gaze lingering on the faraway horizon for a moment longer, I ran a hand through my hair and resumed my walking, heading in the same direction where that skeleton was coming from. 

Unless these bastards just spawned randomly around the place, it must’ve come from somewhere. I’d packed enough water and food to last me a few days, so hopefully, I’d find something before that. 

I could theoretically just fuck off with Dimension Lost, but… without having a clear exit point in mind, things could get weird. And I knew better than to fuck around like that. 

I’d keep it as a last resort. 

For now, I’d play a bit of Don’t Starve… 

<<scene break>>

I wasn’t sure how long I’d been walking for—it was hard to tell when everything looked the same—but a quick look at my phone revealed that I’d spent an hour in this place. 

And there was still nothing in sight. 

I’d passed through an anxiety inducing ravine, blasted apart a bunch of skeletons with my new favorite spell, only to find another, wide expanse of rusty, desolate land. Like, come on. Did nothing live in this shitty place— 

Something caught my eye farther ahead, and I quickly dove behind the nearest rock, poking my head slightly from the side to take a cautious look. My brows furrowed as, this time, even from a distance, I saw what looked unmistakably like another person. 

Thank God. 

It was a lone figure dressed in white, though I couldn’t really place their gender from this far away. They were sitting on a flat rock and holding something in hand as if studying it. 

Hiding back behind the rock, I stood there, mouth pressed tightly as I considered my next move. I had no idea how they might react, but there was a chance that I’d finally get a clue about this weird desert-looking place. 

A weary sigh escaped me. It was a gamble, but it was either this or walking aimlessly around until I found something else. Taking another peek at that still seated figure, I pushed myself up and walked out from behind the rock, cautiously approaching them while keeping a firm grip on Dimension Lost. 

As I walked closer, that lone figure turned out to be a young-looking woman, with short, black hair that contrasted with the bright, white halo floating above her head— 

A flicker of dread coiled tightly in my stomach. Oh god, this world better not have the same supernatural bullshit… 

She’d yet to notice my approach, my feet barely making a sound on the dry, cracked earth as I walked anxiously, though with every step, that oppressive weight in the air felt just a little lighter, her mere presence like a gentle, comforting warmth that pushed back the bleakness of the landscape. It was almost enough to make me forget, for a moment, where I was. 

She’d probably help me… And even if she didn’t, she looked like she might have some much-needed answers. 

Stopping a few feet away from her, I waited for a few moments, but she still gave no sign of noticing me, her brows furrowed in a look of intense focus as she stared at the inscribed piece of rock in her hands… a stone tablet of sorts? 

My eyes flickered back to her face, lingering on the bright halo above her head. It was my first time seeing an angel. She looked strangely familiar… and kinda dorky, but really cute— 

I pushed the distracting thought aside, and spoke, “Hello.” 

That did the trick, the woman suddenly glancing up from her reading, her pastel blue eyes widening in surprise as she leapt to her feet. 

“Oh, my heavens! A living human in Hell?” Hell…? Which Hell? “Most unusual. What are you doing here?” she said, taking a step closer, her bright, inquisitive eyes looking me up and down as her face lit up excitedly. 

My mind on the other hand, spun at the revelation. Hell? Another world’s Hell, what the fuck— 

I took a slow, centering breath, meeting the angel’s curious gaze, her eager smile and comforting presence helping unwind the tight knot in my stomach. Her question hung in the air, the silence slowly teetering on the awkward as I hesitated. 

I wasn’t sure what to say. Spin a random excuse or—no. She didn’t look the tiniest bit threatening, and she was an Angel. She could help me. 

“Well, I’m kinda lost, honestly,” I said eventually with a tired smile. “I asked a dragon god to help me leave my universe and woke up on the ground somewhere that way.” I gestured over my shoulder with a thumb, her gaze briefly following along before she inhaled sharply, mouth falling slightly agape and eyes sparkling with surprise. 

“A human from another universe? How fascinating! This is prime research material!” She looked like she might burst from all that enthusiasm, but then suddenly paused, the wind leaving her sails. “If only I wasn’t already doing a thesis on Demonology…” 

A beat of silence passed as she sulked, and I couldn’t help but stare, eyebrows slightly raised. Wow… she believed me just like that? 

And what was with all this talk about research? Wouldn’t it be safer to just snatch up a demon and take it home to study, instead of coming into the lion’s den? 

Before I could ask any of that, the angel girl shook her head, clenching a fist tightly at her chest. “No, this is too great to pass up. I could do both. I must do both.” She nodded to herself, pulling out a notepad and a pen from her pocket and holding them up like an eager journalist about to do their biggest scoop. 

“I’d like to ask you a few questions if you have the time,” she spoke excitedly, only to pause again as her eyes widened. “Ah, my apologies for the rudeness. I am Azazel and I am currently doing research on demons and Modern Sin. May I have your name?” 

I blinked owlishly at her introduction, her question hanging in the air as an old memory surfaced to mind. A memory of a silly but cozy little game that I’d played too long ago to remember in detail. 

Azazel… Azazel, the Curious Angel? 

I froze, my eyes flying wide as it finally clicked. 

Oh… that’s why she looked so familiar… 

“I’m Georg,” I said, a wooden smile on my face as my head spun at the revelation. “Or George, and yes, sure, I happen to have a few questions, too.” 

“That’s great!” She clapped her hands, smiling excitedly. “Come, take a seat, and let’s get started.” She gestured at the smaller rock across from hers, and I followed absentmindedly, a storm of thoughts whirling inside my mind as we sat down, facing each other. 

Helltaker… 

My stomach twisted into a knot. Wasn’t this place worse than DxD?

_________________________________________________________________________

Author’s Note: I had this wacky idea a while ago and I had to put it down on paper. I think it’ll be a lot of fun to explore this premise. It’s different from the usual DxD formula and it opens some interesting scenarios.