aretheygay

Deleted Scene from Upcoming Video

Added 2024-05-03 01:32:41 +0000 UTC

Hi all,

This is a very short deleted scene from the upcoming video, provisionally titled, "A People's History of Gender Ideology".

It's a nice little sequence, depicting the way that, as a trans person, my relationship to my past is complicated. It didn't fit anywhere into the video, though I shot it while making it.

In one sense it's my experience of gender dysphoria, but in another sense, it's also a type of melancholic nostalgia. I've found it hard to articulate this feeling. How does one miss a part of oneself that was rejected in order to be an authentic self? To "miss" implies that I want this part of myself back, that I want to return to it. I do not want to return to being a girl, but I would be lying if I said having been a girl is not part of who I am today.

As a trans person I'm supposed to disown everything from my past. My old name is my "dead" name, the girl that I was never truly existed... But none of that is true to me. I imagine this is almost what it's like to be a parent and watch your child grow up, watch your child insist on a certain becoming that you no longer recognize. As a parent (as if I would know anything about that), you have to let go of your child as yours, but does that mean that child never existed? We all carry our upbringings with us. Thinking of my childhood is not always, or even primarily, painful. Thinking of my adolescence is not shameful. Yeah, it was hell to go through gender dysphoria. But I'm happy to be where I am, and I wouldn't be who I was if it weren't for ...her.

I love her, though I'm not exactly sure what part of me she is, what part of my past she now occupies. Though I was not happy as her I can't deny all the insight I've gained knowing that I was her.

Just some thoughts! There's a good chance I can post the new video here a few days early but I might also be working right up to the sponsorship deadline. I'll try my best :)!

Cheers,

Alex