2017 recap. The good and Bad

2017 recap

Now that I’m relatively lucid enough to contemplate the previous year in text, I feel the need to go over the good AND bad that happened in 2017 for me personally. Yes we can probably all agree the political situation in America is the most straining it’s been in at least my life time. The working class is dumped on etc etc— but I want to focus on me, because boy I had a bad time and I want to vent about it. Looking forward at my specific situation, though, things seem to be getting better too. So here it is. Just a categorized, chronological list of the shit that’s happened to me.

Out of respect, I’m going to put out a trigger warning right now, because this year started out -rough-

THE BAD

Nothing starts the year off like perpetual panic attacks while driving or at work the month prior. It had been a year since I was released from a hospital for severe depression, and I still hadn’t been able to find a councilor that wasn’t busy or took my insurance. I was winding up to off myself again.

During this troubling aftermath of realizing all that money spent on nurses and doctors that were hardly equipped to deal with the therapy I needed and really didn’t give a fuck, I acted pretty poorly and lost contact with every last one of my friends. I spent the first couple months almost entirely isolated.

When I poked out of my shell to join in what I thought was going to be a fun ffxiv art exchange, I got harassed and received death threats for casually saying the trade I got wasn’t really in character, but thanks. Thankfully it was pretty self contained and it ended fast. But having large groups of people tell you to kill your self after recovering from suicide really has soured me on MMO communities compulsively.

My parents divorce started coming to a head, and my mother began to make very unreasonable demands. In retort I really started to lay in to her, just because of how shit she was treating my father. In response, her entire side of the family effectively disowned me. On top of that, my dad’s side which already hates me really started to lay in with the insults, saying I was “A lazy leech” despite the fact I pay rent, insurance, and for my own living requirements. Sure my dad helps and buys food and makes way more money than me, but it was just another case of another “tribe” kicking me out because of a refusal to listen to my logic.

Part two of my parents battle has seen even more of a financial squeeze thanks to that worthless bitch squeezing 1000 a month out of my father, a 1000 that was going towards paying heating and electricity. My mother came back to grab more shit as part of their agreement, taking my bed, my scanner, and honestly nothing else I really cared about. But by the by, she did all of this right as my dad was diagnosed with skin cancer. GREAT.

As a product of this on going fuckery with his ex, my dad became impossibly depressed to the point where he is so distinctional he won’t even close the god damn cheese package after he’s done and leaves trash everywhere. He ruined the diet I was trying to enforce by constantly buying junk food knowing full well I don’t make enough money to buy meals for both of us. This entire year I’ve been carrying him on my back, making sure he doesn’t try and off himself. We get in to constant arguments about the shitty, cluttered condition of the house and his hoarding habits which usually end in him walking away saying “I don’t care”. That’s certainly something I want to hear after all my other non blood related “family” had proverbially done the same.

And now the end of this year ends with the GM at my work throwing a fit over the condition of the park— in particular the salt that’s being dragged in from the snow on people’s feet that destroys any work any of us have done immediately. I’ve had to do double my work because people either call in or have quit. Effectively, I’ve been getting paid 60 dollars to clean 4 entire buildings a day. No raises for all the people I’ve trained, or all the mess I’ve cleaned. Just one ignorant dick swing from a GM that hasn’t worked a day in her life.

I also got attacked by a coworker I used to admire for trying to complement her. Seriously I didn’t say anything ill about her and have personally defended her intentions when questionable drama happened between her and my manager. Glad she repaid me by insulting my work ethic and invalidating how difficult the run I do is.

To end it all, I’ve got the worst case of the flu I’ve ever had, and I rarely ever get sick any more because of my line of work constantly exposing me to pathogens. I’ve spend the last 3 days stuck in bed because the first day I couldn’t even keep water down. Now I’ve got a really bad, consistent pain in my hip and I’m worried it’s another blood clot. I’ve got a gene mutation that causes my body to produce too much iron, and if I don’t constantly keep active and off my ass AND eat a low iron diet, I’ve got a high risk for them. My doctors office isn’t open until TODAY so I’ve had no professional medical attention yet, and I’m worried my insurance will no longer cover the specific exams I need. Not like they covered all of the tests before. Last time I got an ultrasound on my legs, it cost 250 dollars out of pocket.

JOY.

THE GOOD

As I said, the beginning was rough... But, I came to the realization if I was going to continue, I needed to make the effort to help myself. I -finally- met with a doctor and got some anti-depressants and a “use as needed” anxiety medicine that had really, really been doing miles for my quality of life.

Despite all the drama around that FF14 bullshit, I’ve garnered the most Eyes I’ve ever had on my art, and thanks to lovely patrons, I’ve been able to make additional payments as needed with the nest egg of commission and patreon money I always have stored in my savings, just in case. And boy there have been a lot of cases in which all my wonderful audience AND friends who’ve stayed beside me despite my at times poor attitude have saved my ass.

I wasn’t just productive with commissions, either. At work, I’ve received glowing reviews of my work, scoring above expectations on nearly all fields; and the ones I didn’t were meeting expectations. For the second year in a row I got employee of the month. That gave me a free month of gas when I really needed it.

As another step to cope with my mental health problems, I adopted a puppy to help both me, and my older Australian Shepherd cope with stress. Kuro does take a lot of energy to train, but he’s the sweetest, most good natured and loving dog I’ve seen— all despite him being abandoned in a crate. Atlas has calmed down too, and he seems a lot more at ease now that he has a friend around him at all times.

Speaking of puppies, my sister agreed to move back in with her dogs! Now I’ll be smothered by four dogs, two of which I don’t even have to take care of. I just get the easy part of loving on them. As a prerequisite of her coming back, the house has to be decluttered, which I’ve been managing slowly, and happily.

Getting rid of all this decrepit scar tissue and vacancy left behind by my mother is incredibly cathartic for me. It feels like I’m finally gouging that toxic, problem creating succubus out of my life, and I have space to make the house I partly pay for feel like it’s really mine.

An old friend and I got in to better contact as well, and he and his family have helped me out so much by cleaning out the basement. Seriously man, thank you so much. He also went halfsies with me on a PS4, which I’d been wanting and saving up for for a while. Ooooo~

It wasn’t just him that stepped forward to fill that void I partially created in 2016. Tons of old pals I hadn’t been in good contact with are now some of my most valued friends and honestly you guys keep me sane. I love each and every one of you more than I can express.

Two of my BEST and longest known friends are also getting married this year, and I’ve been invited to be the bridesman for BOTH. By the By, Bree, Taylor— I’m so god damn happy for you and I think your respective finances are wonderful people. Ben, Artie. You treat my favorite people with respect and love, and you are both stellar guys with good hearts. I couldn’t be more pleased.

It’s thanks to the wonderful people in my life I’ve finally had the courage to admit at least through text to them that yes, I’m transgender. I’m still not brave enough to confront my dad about it, but my sister has already just accepted it and been so chill. Thank you. Seriously. I always worry about my ideas, or even my identity not being okay and to know that it is with the people who’s opinions I’m most concerned with has given me what honestly feels like emotional closure for my entire adolescence.

It’s like that chapter of my life— the one filled with anxiety and constant mood swings. Irrational thought compelled by a toxically depressive mindset... it’s over. I’m done living in fear and dishonesty. I’m ready to just be a rational and stable as I can. Because the companionship I was looking for... that sense of belonging to a troop so to speak— it’s been here the entire time. I just overlooked it.

All and all, things are looking up despite all the suffering. It is year of the dog now. MY year. That’s a good sign. So here is a toast with our imaginary wine. To a better year, and a more productive future.