lately (warning, dark and not suitable for fragile or recovering minds)

first, please do not feel pity or sorry for me, I am just sharing to normalize and make people feel less alone. to help, and to give myself the accountability to release what is not mine to control.

I have a mental illness called premenstrual dysphoric disorder (pmdd)
it makes me very sensitive to hormonal & chemical shifts in my brain

specifically GABA and serotonin receptors, it often times makes me wish I didn't exist!
my brain becomes over stimulated with feeling to point that I can no longer feel anything

and then the anxiety & intrusive mental voices start, and they tell me people would be happier if I no longer existed, better and improved in fact. I think about ways of ending it, I almost went through with my plan on ending things this last time, I did not, and I am ok now, more so dealing with acceptance of the things I cannot control, like my sensitivities, and this occurs cyclically, every month. over and over.

some months are better than others, when I exercise more, my brain doesn't drain serotonin as quickly and I feel ok! if I am too sedentary, or if I don't eat "right" things get worse.

it's a delicate balance, to say the least!
It's why I am as sensitive as I am, because my brain is literally overly sensitive to any chemical or hormonal shifts, even normal ones that are supposed to occur daily.

having to live with this is hard, but mindfulness that it does and will happen again helps, also knowing that I am not alone in feeling this way.

I met someone else who has this, and although it makes me just want to hold her, it also means I am ok. we can both be ok. this is a thing that people do live with

more so, someone in my family died on Sunday, she had very aggressive ovarian cancer...
I still am processing how to feel about that, as a person who identifies more with being an energy source rather than a person, thinking that these human suits can turn against you quickly and aggressively...it's just devastating and so..ridiculous? almost? she was diagnosed in May and passed in September. she was strong and young, 57. I didn't know her well, but thinking I had spoken to her less than a couple of months ago, perfectly well, makes my head spin, and now someone has lost their soul mate, their partner, their lover, a part of their future.

hug the people you love, tell them you love them, forgive, lead with that beautiful childlike part of you, it matters more than we let on, I promise it's worth it to be soft and vulnerable and you will feel more whole living in the truth of your feelings rather than resisting them