meredith adelaide

december xoxo

Added 2023-12-01 22:22:54 +0000 UTC

I’ve been feeling a kind of psychic block around sharing certain parts of myself and what I think, and I think what that has done was create a very intense smallness of expression that has leaked into everything else.

I could be being dramatic?, overthinking?. I just smoked a little weed, and usually when I smoke after not having done it for awhile, a lot of little revelations about my behaviors pop into my mind clear as a crystal.

Actually!!! The little revelations are like the little rainbows that appear when the sun hits the crystal clear crystal.

Mmm cute !

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I’m kind of contending with this smut thing. All at once I was directly inspired to make it and share it and be proud of it, and that led me into the energy of creating a second one that spoke on a part of me that has been a little more hidden, both to myself and to the outside world. I get embarrassed saying the title out loud!! But there is a strong push to publish something bigger within this realm which I am following..

To be frank (omg Frank from that one day on Instagram where we kept driving by his house and he and I wrote messages to each other through his window omg remember), I think talking about my private life publicly is unnecessary.

You, the audience, have always received a very distilled I’ve-done-the-work-to-process-this version of my Self and my works. This is true even in the things I’ve made that feel broken/vulnerable/messy. I’ve already done a lot of processing up to that point.

I’ve seen what my personal life and processing from the beginning does to other people, and it’s not really that digestible. Really, it’s not FOR anyone but me. Me and my therapist.

My therapist is amazing. Today I wanted to include all the notes I took while processing with her and share them with you!

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NOTES FROM THERAPY:

EVERYThing is a success or a teaching/lesson

dissolving it

far from where i started

my express way to be honest with everyone was to tell them everything

and very clearly

they didn’t have to ask for it

i gave it anyway

i was disappointed when people didn’t want that kind of friendship/conversation

for me this was the only way to have an honest relationship

swimming analogy:

other people i dive with

some i sit w on edge

some i swim with

some float w/muy thais

i’ve identified my divers

they show up for me when i ask

that’s what they give

i am learning what they give

they don’t take messiness

that’s not my audience

these are not divers

keep amusing yourself

move from “what was i thinking” into YEAH you did that Lol what were you thinking

not about beating yourself up

letting him know it was unacceptable

he threw the boomerang back

i have to say that’s not actually true.

to have it confirmed within myself

i am willing to stand up for myself and set my boundaries

this is why this had to happen

I needed to be reminded

no— this is unacceptable, and I said it in a kind way, that doesn’t make me mean

anybody who does that to me in the future

i will see it, question it, push back, not take their revisionist history

allows me to keep confirming how much growth I’ve done

looked around for evidence

didn’t find any

didn’t accept it

(in the past, i would look until i made something up)

that’s why it happened

we don’t learn sitting on the beach with muay thais

what am i thankful for for myself

the unending drive

what i came into this life with

i’ve chosen to identify it, accept it, and make it a big part of who i am

my drive to want to make things better

i’m learning how i can do it and what other’s will accept

i allow it to continue to be in an evolved state

i’m willing to change while being very aware of my ethics and morals

i could do that, but i’m not going to

that is me affirming myself

if i was someone different, i wouldn’t

reminds me who i am

marzipan base apple pie

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so I’ve been recording my music project (!!!!!!!!!!!)

right now i’m listening to lol Porcupine Tree - In Absentia, I would listen to them a lot in college

my friend Elliott introduced me to them

but also my exboyfriend told me he had told me about them first :)

the way Elliott helped me SEE LIFE has been one of the biggest blessings in my whole entire life

I think I discovered recently that men are kind of like my muse

I’m not sure if I should be in romantic relationships with them, or at least in the same ways I have already done, cause clearly that doesn’t work lol

pause for self appreciation for how I’ve started really SEEING myself and then choosing to do right by her

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okay

From my perspective, we are all given personal responsibilities which show up in the form of little missions throughout our lives (should we choose to accept). They're entirely personal to us. And from what I notice, they missions are only a few similar patterns throughout our entire lives, so as we continue getting missions, we can continue getting better at them.

Someone who does not accept their personal missions does not operate in the same way that I operate within mine, and therefore I do not trust them in my orbit.

Anything that moves me away from my own missions is detrimental to me.

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OH I didn’t mention— or maybe I did— but I’ve been under the assumption that I’ve been writing a singer-songwriter/folk album, but what is happening is we’re discovering that it is actually a rock album (!!!). So there's yelling. There's bass. There are big drums. There are tender moments. I am having a BLAST.

I have also been including elements of hypnotism/good repetition. I’m really passionate about programming people in positive, self-supportive ways to re-program the current public program that is running.

This mimics the whole reason I felt the urge to create my self portrait course-- I wanted to trick people into loving themselves. Once we remove unnecessary complicating emotions like guilt/shame, it's reality creation time, and that is a very powerful perspective. Everyone is allowed to embody that (should they choose to accept) :)

To end this message, attached are photos from the rest of the legendary Frank experience!